Cyclic Sunrise

So, I liked this. It seemed pretty, but in a sort of shallow way. It's like the always-gorgeous girl, sort of confused in the corner; not the suddenly-gorgeous girl up dancing.

If that makes any sense.

First order of business: ScarlettFire seems to have some good points. I was about to point about the whole you-used-the-same-word-twice-in-a-stanza-gasp thing myself, but (s)he beat me to it. Listen to him/her.

Second order of business: Your story as it is is rather like you put a lot of artificial sugar candy into a blender and mixed it up. I'm nodding along but shortly get confused. I get a vague idea of what's happening. Okay. Right. Solar and lunar cycles have something to do with a person or persons. Full potential. Something.

I think my main problem rests in the fact the beginning two stanzas are so dreary and depressed. It's like "The world is ending. Sigh." Then in the next two stanzas, things gradually become okay again. I mean, that's sort of what happens. If things become okay again. But it seems weird.

I guess it's talking about the "cycles" people go through, dealing with things?

Otherwise, certain phrases seem off to me. Like in the last stanza--"Bright like the sun, our futures are set." It makes me think of a setting sun. But that's not the point, is it? I'm unsure.

Basically, watch out for juxtaposition. I shouldn't be this confused. It seems like a simple idea, yeah? But it's just how things go together. The first stanza--brilliant, makes sense. After that? I get a little lost. "How do these things go together again?"

Basically, clarify. Personify. Make this relate-able. Give it something concrete, an image to hold in our heads, not just similes. Show us our narrator more, how they feel, what they want, etc. It's a lot like prose, really. Your goal is to tell a story and cause emotions. This sort of caused an ebbing thing in me. Wasn't sure what to feel. Wasn't nodding along, or surprised, or whatever. Just ebbing.

I think this all might help? I liked it. I think you can continue to grow and become quite good at this. You might want to get more of a poetry whiz to help you, of course. I'm not exactly old hat at poetry, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt, but what I've said? My two cents.

Good luck and keep writing,
Cas

Hey there. My name is Scarlett, and I'm here to review your poem tonight.

Wow, simple yet so much more. Your flow was very good, your imagery wonderful. I really like it. I have no nitpicks except for this one;

Clear like a full moon,
our decision is clear.

Hey, I'm just doing some casual edits, on my part. Overall, it is good, but I just want to offer some gentle suggestions.

"Cyclic Sunrise" <---- I don't like the title, doesn't capture the meaning of the poem, sure you refer to the sunrise, but that's not what it's really about, right?

"Fading like the dusk,
we can't be saved.
But we discovered this
seconds too late. "

I made it a little more natural. "We discovered this fact" sounds too tense, and I read this poem a someone speaking to me.

"Clearer than the full moon,
our decision is near.
It's too late now
to face our fear."

It sounded like Yoda before, and the immediacy wasn't as fully conveyed.


"Hanging like the stars,
Snaps the thread.
It slips away now.
Our link is dead."

This sounds very awkward, but I can't think of anything to rework it. You don't want to use things like "dead" which is unpoetic. Also, "hanging like the stars" and allusions to a "thread" of fate is cliche. Use your own words for this.

"Rising like the dawn,
we keep going.
The chapter has ended
but we're still growing."

Content wise, now, I'm confused, because I thought you two were done, or parting, so what does this mean? Also, I'm really not likely these use of cliches. "chapter" is not good.

"Like the transient sun,
our fates are unset.
Unformed and ignorant
of our full potential yet.

I changed some of the yoda-speak, and awkwardness. The "'cause" gaves it away. I think this rhyme scheme is choking your artistic abilities. Re-write this poem without a rhyme scheme and see what you come up with, I think it'll be a lot better. It doesn't seem as if your ideas are adequately presented.

All in all, it's a good start. Good luck!


Yatta!