T minus 10 days
That's what the silver screen told us
We all breathe the virus
So the end is here.
T minus 9 days
She heard the news
Too stunned to react
Her life took a pause
Panic at spitting distance.
T minus 7 days
No symptoms
Except for those spots
Or was she imagining?
Denial.
T minus 5 days
No antivirus
Maria sat at her desk
Tears tumbling down
When last did she see papa?
Or beg for God's forgiveness?
T minus 3 days
She slouched on the couch
Clutching the phone
Sweat trickling down the receiver
''Papa, it's me Maria.''
T minus 2 days
She slumped against the altar
Her nose drenched in blood
''God please hear the cry of a sinner''
Time up
The world is dead.
You have ten days to live
What would you do?
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey Temi,
I liked your poem, but like the others said it was too rushed. You give a good story line, but thats what I feel it should be. A story not a poem. Perhaps you didn't make it poetic enough, but this would be a story I would love to read. I also agree you should focus on more then one person, and include all the days. Thats all! Oh, you defiantly need day 1. That would seem like the most important...
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
Its a very original poem, i have never seen one set out in such a... Timelined fashion, it works well, but i feel the paragraphs need more substance, and it doesnt seem like a lot is actually happening, maybe you should focus on more people instead of just the one ?
Anyway, nice poem. Needs a bit of polishing but other than that, great work!
Hello, shiney1 here
I like the subject of this poem, and it left me wondering and contemplating, which is a nice bonus for a poem.
But this poem left me feeling a bit...empty. The content was good, but I feel that so much more could have been done with this.
The imagery for one. I feel like if someone was reading this, it would be in a monotone voice. When talking about sickness, death and grief, there is usually a fountain of emotion. Not just in poem,s but novels and speeches, et cetera.
There was not much descriptiveness here. It was more like you were telling us what happened through most of it than showing us. So it sounded a bit plain.
And I am not sure why, but I felt like it was a bit rushed. From 10 to 9 to 7 to 5 to 3, it just felt rushed. I would have loved more events and detail in those few days.
So that is what I got. These are just my suggestions.
Keep writing!