You stand outside your soul
In a pit of sulphur
Inhabited by silence.
You watch regretfully
As 5 becomes 9
Your sin lengthened
By the greediness of your heart.
One lash upon your ungrateful soul
Your back glistens with sweat.
Relax! Don't be so tense
Necessary evil to purify evil.
Two lashes upon the marrows
For every nakedness you have fed your eyes.
Check your palm
The elders report that you are pregnant for mother sin.
Hurray! Tomorrow you will birth death!
Hurray indeed!
Why do you still sweat?
Relax! You were never whole...
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey Temi! Stella here.
So I thought that this poem was intriguing. There's a lot of dark imagery here and I like that because it's so unusual!
But it also felt, in parts, as if you were trying so hard to be unique in your wording that in fact, things stopped making sense. Starting with the title - "Pregnant for Mother". It's really nonsensical, and while it worked since it drew me to read the whole poem, there was no explanation of the title throughout the poem itself. It wasn't the only example - for instance "two lashes upon the marrows" - as in bone marrow? What?
So I think that maybe you were a little bit too caught up in making your imagery interesting and you forgot the point of a poem - which is to communicate to the reader. Here as a reader I felt very apart from the poem, and I don't think that's what you want! So I think the first thing I'd do if I were you is read through the whole poem, examine each image and try to put yourself in the place of the reader: does this make sense to an outside eye? How could I make it make more sense?
Then with the subject matter itself: well, I'm unclear as to what the poem was actually about! But it seemed to me to be about childbirth, and labour as a penance for lust. And if that is, eh, I don't know how I feel about that. It's something that's present in Christian tradition but I hope that we've somewhat moved away from such a perspective... But that said I'm not here to critique the subject matter, and also I could be totally wrong in that reading of the poem!
Anyway, my advice: make everything more gramatically correct (in places you've skipped words that you need for clauses to read properly), and make your themes clearer.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello EPICnumber.1 here...
I love poems especially this one but I didn't quite understand it and it was hard to follow. I really like the last line 'Relax! You we never whole...' Really pulled me in,
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love the whole concept of it and its the title that made me take a look (not sure why) I think this poem could flow better (not that doesn't already but it could use a bit of work).
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Can I tell you how good this is now? thanks
GOD THIS IS GOOD!!! sounds like a professional poem (if you know what I mean)
Keep up the good work and thank you for giving me a great poem to review ,sorry it's so short,
Keep writing
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EPICnumber1
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This was very interesting.The dark theme is very apparent.You could cone up with many different ways of interpreting the meaning behind it.It was very intriguing.It was a little hard to follow but thats understandable.It reminded me of the poem"Jabberwocky".I do warn you that you might want to change the rating of it from Everyone to 12 mild.Only because it may be a little inappropriate for the younger audience.This is a very nice piece.Good luck!!