The Veil in the Wind

Beautiful poetry!

I have to say, your description is what steals the show for me. You paint a wonderful, clear picture in my head, and it's amazing to hear this kind of language as it is so mature and well-written yet in some ways unique. I love how you talk about nature, and about how the poem starts off happily, then gains sadness, then comes back round again. You don't use much rhyme, but I think that works as your writing is amazing.

I like the title of this poem, and how you refer to the veil. It's very unique but very fascinating to read. One thing I would just mention is that it feels a little rushed. It's quite quick to read, and I'm thinking that because it has so much thought, maybe you want to slow down the pace so the meaning sinks in a little better. Maybe try stanzas and pauses, but this is only a suggestion, because the poem is still brilliant anyway.

Well done!

I found this to be really beautiful, because, even though you don't use rhyme, there's a lot of meter and alliteration and other things so it doesn't just read like prose that someone decided to put line breaks in (which is what a lot of poetry I've seen here reads like). I would change the last line though because it broke the meter if you're going to break the meter like that, you should make the last line short so it's like a hammer coming down on you, not long like it's dragging you out and you don't know when it's going to end. I think actually if you made "And my love," one line and the next line another it's be great.

Hey Temi,
Myjaspercat here for a review...

My love, I would suggest adding a longer pause here I havenever imagined
That my lips would conjure such words
Whose first breath were the letters
M-y L-o-v-e. I like this as a start to your poem, even though I always say love poetry is cliche, This is a more original Idea then what I normally see and I think it works here in your favor.
For you forced my heart to run through the fields
As your veil billowed in the winds and your eyes Maybe it's just me but I feel like you ment 'as my veil' and if not then it kinda seems odd to me considering the content of the last line.
Promised of love eternal; this line in conjunction with the others is a bit misplaced and odd sounding to me.
And the daffodils swayed in confirmation.
As your fingers danced upon my scalp
Like snowflakes in a garden of thorns,
I too, swayed with the daffodils and believed
Of love eternal. I like the imagery here.
Alas! The snowflakes have melted; water transforms Maybe used transformed here instead of transforms.
Into pinpricks of blood from the garden of thorns
The fields have dried and the winds have died
My fingers dance upon the scalps of the tombstones. You have already used the word scalp so now it just seems a bit to repetative. Try to expand your vocabulary
My love, you left too soon and your veil
Now has a hole in its heart.
Now, her hands wrap around my finger I have a few problems with these few lines, for one it doesn't make much sense. It sounds more broken then connected. Second of all the double 'now' to start the lines isn't working for me.
And she looks up and her eyes
Your eyes, tell me to dry my eyes;
She has your eyes and I wonder to much eyes....
If this is what love eternal means.
For the daffodils are blooming again
And they are swaying in confirmation
So I wash your veil with a hole in its heart
And my love, the winds are peeping through the hole!