T.J. Alufa
Can you feel it?
That solemn heart beat
A beat that pulsates
Through the veins of our aging trees
Making them dance to the voice of the mountains.
Do you hear it?
That tune
Shuffling in the wind
With freedom
Tangled in the melody.
My gaze is endless
As I look to the depths of this abode
Myriads of colours
Trickling into my visions.
I shiver
As the lone wolf
Cries to the moon
Grandeur protruding from its muzzle.
This place
Beauty swims freely
Yet, men trod upon it
Destruction trailing their paths.
They chop down trees
Yank roots
Stabbing the very soul
Of Mother Nature.
Animals tremble in horror
Shedding tears
For a home
That was humbly theirs.
Now I stand
Drenched in sweat
A place of beauty
Now a land of barrenness.
Our forest of wonders
Mystery at its finger tips
A home for lost souls
Now a place
Of forgotten memories.
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Hullo there! My name's Mark.
So I hate deforestation too. But this didn't do much for me as a reader - you began to lose me from about the fourth stanza. Up until then, I was loving how you built up the imagery into a picture of destruction from a sublime beauty. I particularly liked "the veins of our aging trees / Making them dance to the voice of the mountains" because it seemed as though you were telling the story as though within the trees themselves, not merely as a political rant; by the end of the poem, that had changed. Your imagery becomes more generic ("stabbing the very soul of Mother Nature"). I actually thought the last stanza was quite nice, because it's an apt conclusion; but the story that lads up to it needs refining.
But that's not to say that this is a bad poem! Your ideas are there, but I need consolidating. For example, I can't engage with the chopping down of trees - focus on the emotional intensity of trunks being torn from their roots, and fires raging through the homes of animals (perhaps you could bring in an animal voice?). Of course, these are all just suggestions.
So good work, but get cracking! Let's hide your political agenda with the subtleties of imagery.
See you around!
-Mark
It angers that humans can destroy such beautiful, splendid tranquility. All for what? So that they can congratulate themselves at being masters of the universe? This is an excellent poem. I feel for those defenseless animals. This poem is good. I too say no to deforestation.
Wow, this is beautiful. I love it. Its really dramatic and enticing. There is nothing I would change about this. Brilliant, Well Done!