I think I’m tired.
Dad sleeps on the couch downstairs
where it always smells like pretzels
and Coca-Cola (or alcohol, but he says he’s sober),
and the T.V.’s always on, and part of me wonders
if shadows gather up on the sofa when we’re not home.
(I changed my mind, I’m not tired at all).
The shadows keep me awake all the time,
whistling white noise while I try to write
about the omnipresent spaces between us when
everybody’s home, but when we still feel alone,
like now, when my sister’s absorbed inside herself
and crooning her reflection as though
she’s begging it to keep her company.
Like I said, it’s not that I’m tired.
It’s something else, like a proverbial longing
to find solace in my mother’s empty eyes
as they search for unseen lines of conflict
that she’s strung up all over the house to trip us,
to make us fight and feel something (anything)
beyond hollow familiarity with each other.
“I’m not depressed, Mom, I’m just tired.”
I’m weathered raw but I don’t know why, because
no one’s said that anything’s wrong, and the shadows
always keep me company when the house feels cold and dead
and the light-bulbs still haven’t been replaced so they just gather up
like dark dust on the walls where the light doesn’t shine,
and they still laugh silently on the couches when we leave the T.V. on,
and my brother hasn’t talked for quite a while so perhaps
he’s just another shadow now; he’s afraid of the dark, perhaps because
shadows need some light to be seen.
He says he doesn’t want the lights out because he’s not tired.
I’m not tired.
I’m not sure what I am.
Perhaps we’re all just shadows on the couch, too scared to turn the lights off.
Wow.
This was really good.
I liked this a lot.
I love how you transition between the people, and describe these shadow people. It's very good.
The title threw me off when I read the poem at first, but in the end, it made sense. I think you did an outstanding job of showing how much these things can drive a person up a wall (that's what I got out of it) and how we are scared to turn the lights off, because we don't know what's there.
Overall, a wonderful poem/story.
Thanks,
ShadowWings, a.k.a. pegasusgirl2
To start with, I usually don't like long titles. This one is the the exception! I love it. I'm going to give you the quick stanza by stanza review, and then I'll share my over all impressions. I hope you enjoy the review, and Merry Christmas in July!
Stanza One
Your poem is off to good start. It introduces an interesting setting that most readers can relate to. You also engage the senses well when you describe the couch. You end it with a rather mysterious hook to pull us into the story and introduce your theme.
Stanza Two
This stanza also touches on the senses well. I enjoyed how you described the shadows as 'whistling white noise'. One thing I wasn't so fond of is how this stanza was broken up. You seem to be dividing at certain points just to make the lines even. While you have a good rhythm going, you may want to reconsider the division in this stanza.
Stanza Three
This stanza was very powerful. I can tell you're writing what you know, at least the poem makes me feel that way, and that's what counts. There's not much else to say about this stanza. It's awesome.
Stanza Four to End
Nice ending! It's always wise to end a poem with a bit of philosophy, clearly you know that. That last stanza sort of made you feel like you were falling into the end of the poem. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but I liked it, and you should consider studying that last bit to see if you can reverse engineer the effect. Nicely done.
Overall Impressions
Nicely done, this was a pretty awesome poem. You have a powerful subject, you write in a way the reader can relate to, and use engage our senses. You also ended the poem with a bit of philosophy that summarized the whole thing. My only complaint is that at times the lines seemed to be broken up at random. Other than that, nicely done! Keep up the good work Storyweaver. Merry Christmas!
I found this really meaningful and thought-provoking. It really creates atmosphere, and I can connect with how the subject in the poem is feeling, even though I've never felt depressed in my life. It takes a lot of talent to make a reader feel connected with an experience they've never had. I especially liked, "It's something else, like a proverbial longing to find solace in my mother's empty eyes..." because it was very descriptive and emotional. Altogether a wonderful piece. Keep writing!
Wow, just, wow.
Hi there. I think this is pretty well done, and I have little to say about it in general but here we are. Lessen your use of "shadows", the word starts to lose its impact about 3/4 of the way in and you have a lovely ending line so you really need the strength behind it to make it stick all the way.
There is a sorrow in this piece, a rather creeping, slow one that is pretty well done but I think that if the beginning were a bit stronger, it would definitely better the rest of the piece as well, give it a much stronger foundation or something. You get a bit lost in the middle, so I'd suggest cleaning that up as well.
Anyway. Great piece. Nice job.
I've been meaning to get to this, seeing as you've reviewed my work on more than one occasion, so I feel very much obliged to that fact. So, without further adieu.
I can definitely appreciate this.
You're definitely no lightweight when it comes to subject matter. Playing on metaphors that are clean and decisive and the perfect amount of chill too cool the ache, which is lovely. By the end of the poem, I felt a great impact from it, even if it took me till the end to feel it.
Really, if anything, the only nitpick I have would fall under the first stanza, and how long it takes you to make the reader feel it. It was very hard to see the enormous potential in this work if you only read that first stanza, and yet by the end of this, it's beyond extraordinary. Work like this symbolizes maturity far beyond your years, and an understanding for what darkness and loneliness is, rather than the angst ridden woe is me of most young poet ideologies. Nothing about this screams 'I don't deserve this'.
And that's really the key. Because the beauty of poetry is not explaining ones woes, but creating beauty from the fact that bad things happen, and good things happen, and life itself happens, and we just don't stop long enough to see how truly, ridiculously, strange the whole thing is.
Poetry aches because it's a revealing of truths. It strips back layers and reveals what's within, and you've managed to strip away at an insecurity and form it, which is heartfelt and real, and aches a ton. I respect this, and I respect the potential in it.
Just, don't take so much time getting your sea legs on. Poetry isn't always long, and even those first few lines can create the ache. In fact, usually my first line is my punch-line, and everything else always sort of follows through in proving just how ridiculous and truthful that first line is.
I suggest trying that next time. Stating exactly what you feel. Saying 'It was colder today' because the freeze becomes almost unbearable and the feeling of numbing and unmoving and blandness become all that matters, and it's those brief few glimpses of a ticking clock that remind you of spring. Give that line so much that it almost spills over with opportunity, and follow it until it hurts too much to continue. Then you have poetry. Because poetry hurts, especially beautiful poetry.
This is gorgeous. Really, a wonderful piece.
My regards,
~ Walker
This is really beautiful. There's a haunted confusion throughout this poem, which I think is what you were going for? I love how there is a description of all the family members, but not really of their situation, which I think it good. You can vividly picture the people, but what is making them alone and sad is sort of in a fog, which works really well with what you're trying to say--that no one has been communicating with each other, so even they don't know what the others are feeling.
Thumbs up!
Some of my favorite lines:
"...while I try to write
about the omnipresent spaces between us when
everybody’s home"
"...he’s afraid of the dark, perhaps because
shadows need some light to be seen"
Among others, these were really powerful and well done.
A good title should contain more than one word. great job on your choices of words. Good job! Your usage of transitional phrases.Excellent work! Your usage of sophisticated words is on par with other well-written papers! Nevertheless, you may still wish to use our Vocab Builder to maintain your edge.
Tips
Whether you are writing for a school assignment or professionally, it is imperative that you have a vocabulary that will provide for clear communication of your ideas and thoughts. You need to know the type and level of your audience and adjust your vocabulary accordingly. It is worthwhile to constantly work at improving your knowledge of words. To help with this task, please consider using our Vocabulary Builder to improve your comprehension and usage of words.
continue writing and keeping up the good work.