Let’s talk about space. All of it -
the space between you and me,
between the atoms that contrive
our fading fabric and itch
as they scratch across our skin,
in this thing we call proximity.
We are mostly made of space;
we are occasional bits of matter
held together by needle-thin
threads of starstuff, pulled like puppets
as the little strings tighten in our chest,
hard as the universe tugs
and creates a rift
somewhere in the gaps
of what we almost are,
the semi-stuff that
makes us close to nothing,
but still, somehow, the slightest
something, just enough to be someone;
we are just enough for this to hurt.
Space is all that makes us, all
that bends and breathes and allows
for the meshing of our skin together,
the thing that makes me here
and you there, but it is also space
that pulls us apart from ourselves
just enough for the universe to blow through,
for we are still the universe’s, our forms
built from shattered bits of stars, you and I,
and that is enough for us to be.
We are space, or in the least,
we are just spacious enough
to find some escape within each other,
in this near-empty room and this
claustrophobic universe
that pulls us back together
as we tear these things apart.
Hi there, Story.
Whoa. I am blown away by your imagery. Just, wow. Honestly, this is going to be a rather short review because I don't see much to make better. It's lovely.
I love this idea of space and the way you use it in such a non-traditional way and a traditional way at the same time. This is certainly poetry: drawing connections between two things and making them matter. You really get it. Holy-- I can only wish to write like you.
The first stanza is my favorite. You use really lovely words, and you put them together so beautifully.
This is really nitpicky, but I think it would flow better if you said "the meshing of our skin."
I don't like adverbs. I think they make things weaker. I would still get the idea if you said "as we tear these things apart." Also, I'd find a stronger word than "tear."
As for your title, I have many suggestions. You could be funny and nerdy and call it "Space: the Final Frontier."
Or you could take a line from your poem that you like and put it there. "The Space Between You and Me" could work, though it has a more romantic vibe than I think this poem should have in the title.
Also, "Proximity" would work. I think if I wrote this, that would be the title. It really does sum up what you're saying in the poem.
I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting, you wonderful poet!
Thank you for a) making my day that much better and b) finding me a title. I think I like "Proximity" as well... :3
Hm... Hi, StoryWeaver13.
I am GeeLyria, and I will be reviewing for you today.
In all honesty, I like the words and the imagery of your poem because it's something new and fresh. It flows pretty well, it seems to be organized, and-- Oh, so this is untitled? I seriously thought the title was "Desperately Need You" ~ xD (That's what happens when I wake up to review). *ahem* Anyway, I want to point out one thing here and there. So let's get to it!
As I mentioned before, I love the vocabulary you've chosen, you talk about atoms and proximity, and these makes you stand out as an informed intelligent writer, therefor, it probably attracts certain kind of reader. ~ When I started reading I thought your main characters were located in a classroom, but I think I just associate all those words with school. However, I think it would be a great idea if this was true, for I am sure more people could relate to it. #Suggestion .
Now. There's one thing I want to mention, and that's the way you divided stanzas. I noticed you cut the second and third stanza for it to look uniform and that's a big nono! D: Because this may confuse the reader ~ especially if they take the breaks to think about what they just read. I know I'm always talking about how Uniformity is essential in writing, however, it's like a hierarchy where organization comes first. In this case what I'd do is this ~ check the spoiler:
Spoiler
Another thing that I want to point out is something that kind of changed the channel as I read in the fourth stanza.
For some reason, I think the "but it is also" changes the mood of the poem. Because it drags it from being peculiar to giving the impression of a journal. It's not what you say that is weird but how you said it. I am sure you can fix that, though; you definitely have the potential.
There's my grain of sand. Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly, but feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Have fun and keep writing!
~GeeLyria