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NaPoWriMo #3

by StoryWeaver13


We are a lonely world of worlds,
a world of people in fish-bowl minds
 from which we cannot leap;
we are never together as people,
never capable of jumping past the glass
to find the sea. We are gold-fish souls
sold at carnival fairs and entrusted
in the clumsy hands of adolescent children
who laugh as they rattle us purely because
they have the capacity to do so. And the funny
thing is that we laugh because this precarious trade
of possession is, we’re sure, what they call “love,”
 and this undue trust we’ve granted must be blind hope.
We will, of course, just kill each other, or kill ourselves;
the great die the death of being thrust against the glass
in the final effort to break their bounds,
and the desperate die in the idle trading of each other. 


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Wed Jul 24, 2013 1:01 am
ImHero says...



Ohhhh, these are shiny :)




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Sun May 26, 2013 10:36 pm
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fortis wrote a review...



That was awesome! I just loved that whole analogy so much! My favorite lines were:

"We are gold-fish souls
sold at carnival fairs and entrusted
in the clumsy hands of adolescent children
who laugh as they rattle us purely because
they have the capacity to do so. And the funny
thing is that we laugh because this precarious trade
of possession is, we’re sure, what they call “love,”
and this undue trust we’ve granted must be blind hope."

I just loved that because, although I don't really see how that relates to the human spirit, It is so true. And you wrote it so beautifully. I'd work on strengthening your analogy of how WE are like those goldfish. I understand what the goldfish are, but I don't see where we tie in. how are we like those goldfish? add another stanza.
your writing style was beautiful and vivid. I could imagine everything you were saying.
One thing I didn't like was how you just randomly skipped from line to line in the middle of a sentence. it is sort of like.
if I wrote.
like. this. and just.
randomly put new
paragraphs in the middle
of what
I'm saying.

That's not how you write a poem, but It didn't take away too much from the meaning.
You had a really good poem here and probably talent to go along with it! Good Job! Keep writing!
-Fortis Fortitude




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Sun May 26, 2013 10:33 pm
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Storyweaver!

I'm always excited when I come across one of your poems, because you never disappoint. Your pieces always seem to hint at a higher societal meaning/impact, and there's always a wry, shrewd voice to accompany that, which I think serves your purpose well.

The flow of this is my favorite part. From the first to the last line, this poem strings me along for the ride, which I've enjoyed. The concepts are interesting in this particular poem of fish-minded individuals, and I assume to be a message about the lack of empathy or connection between us.

We are gold-fish souls
sold at carnival fairs and entrusted
in the clumsy hands of adolescent children
who laugh as they rattle us purely because
they have the capacity to do so.


I also like how you go deeper with the idea -- a lot of the poems I've read today have touched upon an idea, but this one digs, Story, I like it. Love can kill, most definitely. The part I quoted above aches for me :x ahh, strong, strong ache.

The last four lines are the weakest in my opinion. I think the problem with it is the strange diction and the format of the wording, you have: the great die -- and instead of "die" reading as a verb, I kept reading it as a noun and becoming confused. Here I've attempted to clean it up a little:

the great will die for being thrust against the glass
in the final effort to break their bounds,
and the desperate will die in the idle trading of each other.

I changed the tense though :X but see if that helps any. Always a pleasure!

~ as always, Audy




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Fri May 10, 2013 6:49 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there StoryWeaver,

I think this was a brilliant poem. You have a very good idea here, and I think you use symbolism perfectly. I like how we're given into the hands of children, in the poem, but when related to reality it's actually adults and influencial people all around us. I think the symbolism was perfect.

It's got a steady rhythm to it and a great meaning. I can't really judge this that much. Except at the beginning of the poem you use the word world three times, and it would run smoother if you replace it with something different. Keep writing!

Deanie x




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:27 pm
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hey StoryWeaver13! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing you poetry tonight. ^^

Wow. This is pretty good, StoryWeaver. And a very interesting concept you've got, though, I would suggest trying not to use the same word too many times, and definitely not more that once or twice in the same sentence. Be creative! Try looking up words that mean the same thing. As for the rest; I love the flow. It just...works. Really well. <3 I adore this. It's wonderfully dark yet slightly gritty, in a good way.

And now I don't have anything more to say. It's good and it could be better. I'm sure, if you really put your mind to it, you could add to this to make it great! Despite this, I do like it, and that's a good thing. If you ever revise it, please let me know. I'll be sure to come back and read it again! This is a wonderfully dark, gritty and interesting little poem. Thanks for the poetry! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. <3





"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore