Young Writers Society

Ohhhh, these are shiny

That was awesome! I just loved that whole analogy so much! My favorite lines were:

"We are gold-fish souls
sold at carnival fairs and entrusted
in the clumsy hands of adolescent children
who laugh as they rattle us purely because
they have the capacity to do so. And the funny
thing is that we laugh because this precarious trade
of possession is, we’re sure, what they call “love,”
and this undue trust we’ve granted must be blind hope."

I just loved that because, although I don't really see how that relates to the human spirit, It is so true. And you wrote it so beautifully. I'd work on strengthening your analogy of how WE are like those goldfish. I understand what the goldfish are, but I don't see where we tie in. how are we like those goldfish? add another stanza.
your writing style was beautiful and vivid. I could imagine everything you were saying.
One thing I didn't like was how you just randomly skipped from line to line in the middle of a sentence. it is sort of like.
if I wrote.
like. this. and just.
randomly put new
paragraphs in the middle
of what
I'm saying.

That's not how you write a poem, but It didn't take away too much from the meaning.
You had a really good poem here and probably talent to go along with it! Good Job! Keep writing!
-Fortis Fortitude

Hey Storyweaver!

I'm always excited when I come across one of your poems, because you never disappoint. Your pieces always seem to hint at a higher societal meaning/impact, and there's always a wry, shrewd voice to accompany that, which I think serves your purpose well.

The flow of this is my favorite part. From the first to the last line, this poem strings me along for the ride, which I've enjoyed. The concepts are interesting in this particular poem of fish-minded individuals, and I assume to be a message about the lack of empathy or connection between us.

We are gold-fish souls
sold at carnival fairs and entrusted
in the clumsy hands of adolescent children
who laugh as they rattle us purely because
they have the capacity to do so.

Hey there StoryWeaver,

I think this was a brilliant poem. You have a very good idea here, and I think you use symbolism perfectly. I like how we're given into the hands of children, in the poem, but when related to reality it's actually adults and influencial people all around us. I think the symbolism was perfect.

It's got a steady rhythm to it and a great meaning. I can't really judge this that much. Except at the beginning of the poem you use the word world three times, and it would run smoother if you replace it with something different. Keep writing!

Deanie x

Hey StoryWeaver13! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing you poetry tonight. ^^

Wow. This is pretty good, StoryWeaver. And a very interesting concept you've got, though, I would suggest trying not to use the same word too many times, and definitely not more that once or twice in the same sentence. Be creative! Try looking up words that mean the same thing. As for the rest; I love the flow. It just...works. Really well. <3 I adore this. It's wonderfully dark yet slightly gritty, in a good way.

And now I don't have anything more to say. It's good and it could be better. I'm sure, if you really put your mind to it, you could add to this to make it great! Despite this, I do like it, and that's a good thing. If you ever revise it, please let me know. I'll be sure to come back and read it again! This is a wonderfully dark, gritty and interesting little poem. Thanks for the poetry! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. <3