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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey Story Weaver,
I like this poem -- the opening is decent. It leads us into a story with an air of expectation for something to unfold before us. I like the second stanza as well because it defines "his" character rather well and we can visualize his appearance, so good on you for that.
The third stanza is where I am not sold; "scars of his eyes" sounds like a strange metaphor, and I'm not sure that I like it the more that I think of it because it sets the tone of the poem off a bit and that I don't like because it disrupts the flow of the poem which makes the ending feel rather rushed coming on which brings me to my last issue.
He leaves his waning days to alcohol and cigarettes and the narrator assumes that he doesn't regret his story? I'm not sure that fits; I'm not saying that every man who drinks and chronically smokes is filled with regrets (as I'm aware that's not always the case), but this implies he gave his life to that. Whether that's the story that he wants the narrator to believe, or what the narrator feels he/she should assume for his sake, it feels misplaced.
Just my two cents,
June
Hi again, StoryWeaver,
I really like this poem as well. I wish I could know the titles of all these works though. It'd be nice. I think you have a lovely idea, and you write it down so well. The rhythm was god and it all flowed well. There was one line, 'lit up with white like those chalk-line tracks". It confused me when I read it at first, because there was no pause in it. My suggest is to put a comma after white. But that's the only nitpick I could find.
Í really liked the opening stanza, and on it's own it is a big thing to think about. And the ending rounded up the whole poem perfectly, making it complete. But the bests were the middle stanza, because you weaved the story beautifully. I loved it.
I don't have any criticism for you except keep writing!
Deanie x
Hey StoryWeaver13! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing you poetry tonight. ^^
Wow. This is fascinating. Love, love, love the concept here. It different, and that's definitely a good thing. It flows really well, and there's not much rhyming going on here, but I don't mind. It works as it it. And it's lovely. But I do feel like there could have been more to it, despite the fact that it feels complete as it is.
And I don't have anything more to say now. It's great, and it could do with a few teeny-tiny, little fiddles, but I don't think it really needs anything done to it so far. I really like it, and that's a good thing. If you ever decide to revise it or anything, please let me know. ^^ I'll be sure to come back and read it again! This is a fascinating little poem. Thanks for the poetry! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar. <3