Welcome to this puddle
where we play,
the one we call the universe.
.
Welcome to this house that strays
just a transparent distance above the earth,
just above the thousands of miles
of brimstone and amalgam
burning up beneath our feet.
.
And you, dear – you are small,
but nothing here
is greater than the depth
of your potential.
.
And how dare you –
how dare you
be anything
but brilliant?
.
For you have the sky to look to,
the ground to comfort you,
and the very pulse
of atmosphere
pleading you to breathe it in.
.
The very earth that breaks you
begs for your forgiveness.
.
It begs for you to live, to struggle,
to endure, so do not forget
this day when you felt small,
this day when you could not feel
the earth’s heartbeat beneath the burning soil;
remember these pleading, desperate words of mine
when I tell that you are momentary,
but we are worth more than our mortality's
clockwork hearts.
.
We are the ungainly philosophers
of a ponderous world,
and here we are, in our tiny house
just beneath the beating atmosphere,
where the sun shines in and seeps through
every gap and tooth of our breaking smiles,
two beings half-lost, haphazardly daring
to endure.
.
And what could be better than being
so infinitely small that, for an instant,
we can hide away and simply be
a brilliant whisper,
a waning echo
of eternity?
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Oh my gosh, this was fantastic! What can I say about it other than that it is amazing? Not much, but instead of using the term "atmospheric pulse" in the second to last stanza, you should change it to something else. I feel as if you overused the idea of the universe having a pulse way too much in your poem. Also the stanza “Welcome to this puddle,
Where we play,
The one we call our universe"
could use some tweaking. But all in all, great job!!!
Just the start of the poem draws in the reader. You did a very good job at capturing the audience's attention. The imagery is well created and I like your use of poetic devices. Voice bleeds from this. The entire poem meshes together and flows very well. It's very in depth and I think, philosophical. It was full of emotion, which is great in a poem, especially a free verse piece. I look forward to reading more of your work. It's a 10/10 from me.
Thank you. xxx
Hi, storyweaver.
I really enjoyed reading this. It was pretty, and I liked the idea behind it. You use vivid imagery; I was able to visualize what you were talking about.
That being said, you're right, it does need a bit of help.
First of all (I'm going to get this out of the way) it's irritating to read poetry when it is double spaced. If you could change the formatting to single spaced, that would be fabulous.
As first stanzas go, this one falls a little flat. It makes you wait too much to catch your attention. You want the universe to seem small, yes? Give that to us fast. Instead of three lines, make it one line. Try this instead:
Or
Something like that. Make it stronger with less words and lines.
You use "just" a lot. Don't use that. "just" makes the word after smaller, even if you're using it to measure distance. It's a psychological thing. Also, you use "very" in a lot of unneeded ways. Take out those, too.
I like the first line of this part, but the rest is a bit slow and boring. I want to know exactly how great the potential is. Make a comparison to something great, and spice up your wordplay.
That stanza is great. There are just a few things you might consider changing:
1. Omit "for" at the beginning. It weakens the stanza by putting off the point. It'll make quite a difference, actually.
2. omit "very" before pulse. It doesn't do anything for the poem, and it takes the reader out of the world you've created by making it seem like you've tried too hard to make the pulse important. The pulse is important in itself; a pulse is a life source. You don't have to emphasize that anymore than it already is on its own.
Same advice as above with the "very"
Combine this with the previous stanza instead of continuing with the awkward "it" at the beginning of this stanza.
In order for this part to make grammatical sense, you need to change the comma after own to either a period or a semi-colon.
Tip: don't describe your own words. Take out pleading and desperate because they lessen the value of your words if you describe them with words. Stephen King once said that
Your words are diminishing your own words.
"that little" isn't quite doing it for me. Try this, perhaps:
I'm not feeling how you started your last stanza with "and." Combine it with the previous stanza and make it one big sentence. If you move around some things in that stanza, it'll be grammatically correct, too! I'd do it like this, though you can find a different way if you would like.
Really, though, your imagery blew me away. I love the sun seeping through breaking smiles and pulsing atmospheres. I can't wait to see this poem when it's a little more compact. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!
Thanks magpie! I actually didn't double-space this initially, it did something very funny to the format when I posted it (I'll go back and revise later). I really appreciate the tweaks and critiques, because there are just little bits and pieces I'm not quite happy with...it doesn't feel quite "cohesive" just yet. Again, thank you! xxx
Oh god, this is what poetry is all about! I feel honored to get to review it!
What I liked: (besides EVERYTHING)
1. The flow. It is so smooth. For no rhyme scheme and no constant format, this piece just flows so smoothly. How did you do that?!?
2. The imagery. I can't even begin to express how much I loved the imagery of this piece. You brought a whole new picture to mind with your description of the earth. Just perfection.
3. The emotion. In long or short stanzas you got your idea and your emotion across. It is so hard not to have feels for this piece.
What I didn't like:
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!
Overall:
You drew me in and kept me there. I don't know what it is exactly about this piece but I am in love with it. NEVER stop writing like this, ever. You have a real talent and it is clearly seen here. AMAZING JOB and please KEEP WRITING!
Aw, thank you, you're positively lovely.xxx
'Ello!
First off, wow. Beautiful. This literally took my breath away. All the metaphors and imagery... this was phenomenal. So uplifting! I will try my best to edit this but this already seems perfect!!
"Welcome to this puddle
where we play,
the one we call the universe."
Nothing wrong I could find here! LOVE the metaphor here!!
.
"Welcome to this house that strays, (add a comma here for the reader to take a break)
just a transparent distance above the earth. (I personally think a period works better than a comma.)
Just above the thousands of miles,
of brimstone and amalgam
burning up beneath our feet.
Great! Fantastic!
I think you could make this into a stanza, for it feels as a natural break.
"And you, dear – you are small,
but nothing here,
is greater than the depth,
of your potential."
Beautiful! So many feelings in one little stanza!!
.
"And how dare you –
how dare you! (To amplify this "dare" but an exclamation mark.)
Be anything,
but brilliant?"
I really have nothing to say other than holy poop wow.
.
"For you have the sky to look to,
the ground to comfort you,
and the very pulse
of atmosphere
pleading you to breathe it in."
.
This seriously has to be my favorite line EVER.
"The very earth that breaks you,
begs for your forgiveness."
.
fsdfjas;jfda;sjdfa;lsjfas why must you be so good at this?!?!
"It begs for you to live, to struggle,
to endure."
( I think you can take out this and and make this into a line)
As you walk its thousand paths.
and find a daring handful of your own,
(To put more "umph" maybe make this into a new stanza and so it's not too long)
Do not forget this day when you felt small.
This day when you could not feel,
the earth’s heartbeat beneath the burning soil;
Remember these pleading, desperate words of mine.
when I tell that you are momentary,
but we are worth more than our mortality's
clockwork hearts.
I am total fan of your works now.
.
"We are the ungainly philosophers,
of a ponderous world,
and here we are, in our tiny house
just beneath that little atmospheric sheet,
where the sun shines in and seeps through
every gap and tooth of our breaking smiles,
two beings half-lost, haphazardly daring
to endure."
This stanza looks to long but it's perfect agh you don't need editing.
.
"And what could be better than being
so infinitely small that, for an instant,
we can hide away and simply be:
New Stanza, yes?
"A brilliant whisper,
a waning echo
of eternity?"
This poem! The feels! Perfect! Truly great! Do you mind if I spread this around? I love this so so so so so so so much! I couldn't find anything to edit except maybe format!!
I LOVE THIS POEM. PERFECT. BEAUTY.
I would LOVE to read more of your poems!! <333
I am now a HUGE fan of you.
Hope that's not creepy...
Okay, I'm done
Bye!
~ScandalousPhoenix
Thank you so much! I truly appreciate this. I can't even put it into words how happy this review makes me. xxx