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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This was interesting to say the least.
I don't really get the third line of the first stanza, but the rest sounds good. I particularly liked the first two lines.
In the second stanza "like ants and women live with one hand" it sounds like there should be a comma somewhere in there to me. But that's just how I think it sounds.
This didn't seem to have much emotion behind it until now, near the end of the second stanza where I'm starting to feel a little something.
Nice way of starting the third stanza.
Now I can feel more emotion in this piece. The emotion is definitely building in this last stanza.
I really like how the second to last line is so similar to the first. And you had a nice ending, those words are going to be ringing in my head for a little while now.
I don't really have much to critique here, so good job.
~WW
Heya StoryWeaver,
It has a great concept to us, and it left me feeling sorrowful, I guess. You have a great way with words and have used it here. I think you have some lines that are really good, and use symbolism to explain things. I think the poem has good flow, but choppy stanza. If you work on the layout, and the separating of stanzas this will be really good.
Another great poem
My favourite stanza was the second one because it has haunting feel to it, and the words you chose add to this effect. The last stanza met up with the first one, with the last two lines. And it was well written too. In comparison the first stanza seems a little bland and boring. It needs more rich lines like the other two do. But that's just my opinion. I wouldn't change it, because what you have there is good. But I want more there. If you do choose to follow my advice, be careful of repeating yourself.
Hope this helped! Deanie x
I really liked the message here. I think you have a lot of good images, my favorite one being the line "when men come crawling home like ants, and women live with one hand waiting on the door." That line is amazing. You have several really good lines in there and I think if you fleshed out those better lines and threw away all the useless filler things, then you'd have a really good poem here.
As for the set-up of the poem, it did feel like a piece of prose split up into unbearably random stanza's. There is no flow to any of it. When I read it, I can see where flow is at work, but it is hidden by the tons of useless language you have. I mean, think about it. The line "That's all it is, inevitably, nothing but an accumulation." Okay, good idea behind this sentence but there are way too many words that are either not needed, or far too long. The entire piece is just really rough.
You have something here, however. the concept is very interesting, you just need to work on fixing the language and set-up of it. If you would like any help, PM me and I can work on it with you. Just so you know, I'm going to college for creative Writing so I'm not just some ignorant person trying to earn points. I can actually help you fix this up because one of my strong points is editing other people's work.
I truly enjoyed reading this, and I definitely look forward to reading it again if you fix it up. If you, PM me and I'll re read it.
EMMY
I'm not that good with criticizing so I'll just say what I think. I'm not sure how to say this but it seemed like a paragraph that was cut into pieces, at least that was what it seemed like to me. The overall was fine though and I like the message.