"Father of all..." The young tomcat's voice was barely a whisper. "The prey animals are gone, and without your help so are we."
Though he pricked his ears, there was no reply. He sank onto his belly, discouraged.
"Fire?" his mate called.
"I'm here, Loyalty." With a last pleading glance skyward, he thought, Are You?
**
Spirit glared at her small charge. "You are not coming with me. That's final!"
Youth pouted, swiveling her ears and glowering. "Why not?"
"I told you- the Meeting is for adult cats."
"But-"
Spirit shushed her by licking her cheek fondly. "It'll be your turn in a few months' time. I'll introduce you and everything."
Youth's only response was a purr.
**
"We meet tonight in the light of the Creator, under His loving eye!"
As always, the words sent a thrill down Spirit's spine. Eldest, who'd spoken them, gave her a whisker-twitch of greeting before launching into his report.
"Our bounders have scented a strange tom recently. He seems genial enough, but worried about something. Also-" Eldest paused for effect- "he isn't alone. Frisk tells me that he has a mate."
Frisk was well-named. Even sitting at attention, her tailtip twitched in counterpoint to her ears. "The odd part is, he had a faint smell of- I'm almost certain- of you, Spirit."
"What!"
Eldest growled. "Why didn't you tell me this?"
She seemed to wilt under his stare. "I wasn't sure. I decided to wait until the Meeting..."
Unexpectedly, Scar spoke up. "I may be blind in one eye," he croaked, " he croaked, "but I can see the sense in Frisk's thinking. Why start a lot of gossip and rumors with no truth to them?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Stori!
Here as promised! I've got your review! I'll give it to you, now...
Okay, so I don't typically read books with talking animals. It's an interesting twist- I've actually considered implimenting it in my own book.
I am reserved about your piece, because, well, I have no idea what's going on in it. There's a young tomcat praying...named Fire? He's there with his mate...then suddenly there are arguing cats...and then more arguing cats?
I don't have a feel for any of the characters yet- and you introduce so many cats in such as short period. WHO are they? Are they agents? Secret agents? Strays? Outside cats? Feral cats? Housecats? Bobcats? Werecats? Lynx? Leopards? Tigers? Cheetahs? Lions? Panthers? Grrr. Tell me what they are, and what they look like, please. Are they orange tiger striped? Tabby? Calico? Black? White? Long haired? Short hair?
Twitches. I've gotta know...
~Shady
Hey Stori!
I have to be honest... I am not sure what you're getting at here, but it's really confusing. I realize that sometimes stories are jerky and they eventually tie up at the end when the story eventually goes on, but I think it's almost too jerky here. I don't understand why the mate thing is so interesting. I am guessing that Youth is the product of this tom and Spirit? And, I am guessing, contrary to cats, these cats act more like... humans and have monogamous relationships and such?
In any case, I think you have to continue the story and lengthen this first chapter. It's just... not enough. It's way too short. Also, maybe it's just me, but I don't feel really invested with the conflict so far. Add more!
Truthfully, I could use some help. I know that the 'strangers' are Spirit's parents. That somehow Youth is going to be paralyzed- but that's about it.