I sang my part without once looking at the words. They came as naturally as breathing after three years in the Riveroak Choir.
The choir teacher, Mrs. Monroe, applauded. "Excellent," she said in her precise voice. "Don't forget, we perform next Monday."
Angela raised her hand. "Mrs. Monroe, I'm not sure if I can make it."
She nervously fiddled with her long brown locks. Her green eyes shifted from point to point and alighted for a second on my face. She smiled shyly at me.
Mrs. Monroe blinked at Angela over her glasses. "Well, come if you can. If not, I'm sure Jess can take your part."
Dusty Reid piped up. "Angela's our best soprano," he said in his breathy voice.
"I'm sure Jess can take the part," the teacher said again. "You're dismissed, all but Reks."
That's me. I'm proud of my name, even if people tease me about it.
I have pale, almost white hair that sticks out in a crowd. My eyes are ice blue.
I glanced over at Andy. "What's she want me for?"
Andy shrugged. "Dunno, sorry." He pushed his glasses into place and hurried out of the church.
Finding no support from my fellow students, I turned to face Mrs. Monroe. "Yes, ma'am?"
"Would you be interested in teaching some of the younger students?"
As usual, she got straight to the point.
"I'll have to think about it," I managed. I had already made up my mind, though. Teach the younger ones? No way.
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
It's a nice little snapshot. The activating incident comes on a little too late for the abrupt ending, though. It seems to be about 3/5 setting it up, and then in two sentences it's over just as we're getting interested. Just curious, were you planning for more?
Minor nitpick:
The general rule (I was always told) is to keep dialogue modifiers to a minimum, not quite sticking exclusively to he said/she said, but you get the point. I think you should choose either "piped up," or "said in his breathy voice," and throw out the other. They kind of clash in the imagination. But that's just what I think.
All in all this is a well done piece aside from my minor gripes.
Hi!
I definitely like the story. But I also agree with other members, I reckon it's too short to be a story and it stems to some misunderstandings! My advice is to unfold your storyline and go on writing. Looking forward to reading new chapters.
Maria
Alright... I think (as, apparently, do all the other critiquers) that this could be good if there was a little more description. Right now it's almost all dialogue and the little description you DO have is really tell-y rather than show-y. For example:
The underlined part is the part that I thought was good, show-y description. However, the bold part is very tell-y. I suggest making it something like: Angela Raised her hand. "Mrs. Monroe, I'm not sure if I can make it." Her slender fingers fiddled nervously with her long mousy brown locks and her. Her green eyes were wide and shifty.
If you have more description like that, I think this piece could be quite nice.
Good luck!
~Azila~
There isn't very much description, and it was very short. You couldn't really get an insight into any of the characters because there is only description of their looks. Maybe go more in-depth next time and try to describe things more, like the maybe the way her throat was scratchy after singing or something. Also, if you're writing in first person, it's better not to just randomly describe themself in the middle of the story. Try to make them look in a mirror or something, or gradually reveal what they look like.
It has potential, though.
This is interesting. You have simple and easy to follow descriptions and I like how you have developed the characters.
My only suggestion would be to make the paragraphs bigger.
I think this would work out as a good story. Keep going with it.
Cheers
Genevieve
PS
Sorry for the short review but your story was pretty short as well.
Hi Kyte! I am very interested in this piece....here are my comments:
Maybe you should change it to: I managed to say.Did you mean: I had already made up my mind, though.
Those are the only mistakes I could find, I think this is a great idea!
Firearris
Yay! Singing! I love singing! I love reading about singing!
Sorry. I just went a bit crazy then. Now, onto a crit.
Is trhis finished? Because it seems more like an excert, or maybe a prolouge. There really wasn't much in it, and it wasn't finished.
Apart from that I can't complain.
It's good. I liked it.
This is kind of random, but I like it.
But still, this was a good read.
The characters are already well-developed but I think you should add more imagery and setting description. You also do much more telling than showing.
It's a little short, so I can't give you an in-depth review. If you continue this, I will.
Keep writing!
-Ayra (Narf)