Kai pulled the door open and was met by-- nothing. Or not exactly nothing; there was a sort of shimmering white haze. Shielding her eyes, she called out, "Hello? Is anybody there?"
"Hello? Is anybody there-ere-ere?" Mocking echoes greeted her. Kai planted her hands on her hips. If this is someone's idea of a joke, she thought sourly, it's not funny.
"Yes, hello! I see you brought the book. Oh, well done, Amelia!" A grizzled old man stepped out of the haze, carrying several tomes over his arms.
Book? Amelia? What's going on here? Kai told the man, "You've got the wrong gal. My name's Kayla, not Amelia. My friends call me 'Kai.'"
The old man frowned, worry lines crinkling around his ice-blue eyes. "Now, Amelia, don't..."
His speech was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. He sighed. "Wait here, miss." Pushing past her, he swung the door open.
She got a brief glimpse of a snow-covered field. Then it was blocked out by a huge figure. It stooped to fit through, and she realized with a shock that it had yellow eyes.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
Hello, Kyte.
If I'm not mistaken, all of my suggestions are purely stylistic, purely personal opinion. Feel free to disregard if they do not ring true to you.
Initial impressions:
This piece is too short. Even on a quick glance once can tell that there will be very little substance, barely an introduction to the protagonist. And to be frank, that is what the reader gets. We are given not one, not two, but three names to deal with. We are not given a setting, nor a reason that the protagonist would be entering this room.
Your dialog is well done, with the exception of how you've simulated an echo in the room. Instead of trying to show there is an echo using dialog, describe the echoes when you describe the atmosphere of the room.
You leave the piece hanging with a rather awkward moment--would our protagonist be more surprised at the fact that the creature had yellow eyes, or that it had to stoop to get through the door?
--ME
The first paragraph = awesome.
It really drew me into the story and kept me reading what little bit was left.
The fact that you keep the descriptions and such to a minimum really lets the story flows.
I can't find anything to complain about except that there isn't enough! I would love to read more of this once you get it done.
Good job!
Ok, ok. Now, really I have a section on her "real life," so I'll post that next.
Hey, this was cute. its REALLY confuseing.....and short. kkeep working on it, but be more descriptive
It's short and straight to the point, I like that part.
It's confusing, which isn't so good.
Finally, it leaves the reader wanting more, which is also a good thing.
Basically, it's a good piece.
I'd read the next one if I found it.
Yours truly,
Memento Mori
You need to lengthen this out. More description of the white haze, more description of the old man.
Also, I'm confused. She goes outside, but then there's a knock on the door?
An interesting beginning, but confusing and short.
Hi! I wonder...
This isn't the best wy to express someone's anxiety. Show us, don't tell us. What do they look like? Why would you call them 'worry lines'?
Hmm... You need to tell us why it is so scary that the 'figure' has yellow eyes. Also, splitt his sentence up, tp help build suspense.
i.e. 'She gasped. It had yellow eyes.'
Like everyone else, not a bad start but certinaly we need to see more to judge. When you do, let me know!
Keep writing!
~Mark~
Hey, Kyte. What's up?
That reminds me of the eyes we use in the chat. hehe. O.o
It was a really good start, but like everyone else have said, it's a little short. When you post more, let me know, Okay?
I like the little thing about 'Amelia' because it's confusing and confusing = good. Hehe.
There really isn't much to critique because it's so short... so yeah. It was pretty good and I'll read more if I know about it.
-Jared
Hi there, Kyte!
That should be "stepped." ^_~ It's just a typo.I only have two nitpicks...
"snow covered" should be hyphenated, thus: "snow-covered."
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Other than that, this piece confused me; it was so short, that I didn't get a chance to grasp its meaning before it had slipped through my fingers completely.
I think you should lengthen it--add more description, and (because I assume this is the first chapter/section) show us a bit of what Kai's normal life is, before setting straight in on the exceptional circumstances. You know what I mean? I'll clarify: If you start right in on the action, which your MC isn't used to, and yo keep telling us (the readers) that (s)he isn't used to it, we'll think "alright, they keep saying MC isn't used to this, and they act like they're not used to it, but I don't know because I can't relate to what is the character's 'normal'." You savvy?
Another thing that confused me was who was inside and who was outside... I assumed Kai was inside, but then you said that the man (who I thus assumed to be outside) opened a door that was going out to a snow-covered field.
Overall, I was confused by this. Let me know if you edit it.
Hope this helps. Please feel free to PM me if you need anything!
Good luck!
~Azila~
Thank you, TP! I have a bit more stuff I'm working on, so I'll post when I have a suitable next chapter.
I don't see any gramatical errors...
Oh! I'm very interested! Questions arise from just reading this! I'll be waiting only slightly patiently for more!
I did not see any right not grammer or spelling issues, so I will straight on to the story.
Well, all I can say really is that I'm confused. It seemed interesting enough, but it was so short I really did not understand what was going on, or why it was going on.
And, personally, I really dont care for the main character, but the reason for that is probebly because you haven't really flushed her out yet.
Looking forward to more.