Catnap ch. 1

Hi Stori,

As Blink and daydreamer have both said, there is far too high a concentration of dialogue in this piece. I would elaborate, but Blink has said it far better than I could have.

So, aside from changing a whole chunk of dialogue to narration, there are only a couple of things to add. Firstly:

He ground the butt out on his palm; Nichole wondered if his hands were calloused from doing that often.

I would change the second part to "Nichole wondered whether this was the cause of his calloused hands." Otherwise, it sounds as though Nichole is wondering whether he has calloused hands.

One more thing. You seem to have a phobia of using the word "said". I know that several English teachers, mine included discourage this, but that's why they aren't published writers. Orson Scott Card write that since the mind reads over the word "said", it does not distract the reader from the dialogue, while at the same time it reminds the reader who is talking. I have found this to be the case, and if I am not mistaken, Ursula K LeGuin writes something remarkably similar. In fact, the only time that you should use another word is when the dialogue could have been interpreted in more than one way, and only if you want to convey emotion.

Hope this helps, and have a good one!

Alright, this is very short and so I won't be able to offer much on the story, but, my strong points are openings so let's see where that takes me.

The doctor had explained how that meant his brain's "sleep" signals had been skewed. He'd suffer no worse than the occasional sleeping spell--or "slump" as he privately called it.

Should be as I edited it. I changed the start to make it more active and less patronising. ^^

Right.

Italicise this.

So, there're no more nitpicks that I could see, to be honest. But I have a few thoughts on character and such...

First and foremost, there are just too many names for me to take in at once. Four might not sound like much, but that means a new name every 25 words. How to combat this? Well, take on a narrator and stick to them. Of course, we have two scenes so you'll need two perspectives but essentially, a short scene means info dump, something to move along the story or, in this case, introduce. But something so inactive as two people chatting about someone who sleeps too much is a sure way to kill off your reader right from the start. We need some opinions.

As daydreamer said, we need more voice and less of it voiced; more story, less dialogue! To start off with, at least, because I couldn't care less about what these people are talking about. It's pretty much the equivalent of two random people blabbering behind you when you're reading the paper; you wouldn't be interested! Choose a character, Nichole or Jacob. And go through that first scene from their viewpoint, adding in details. Keep in some opinions--what does Nichole feel about him having this illness? Funny? Sad? Guilty? You define your character right from the off, and I'll care.

Of course, it's not to be pinpointed to just the first scene. Think about the second part, when I'm more of a spectator who has read his diary. Seeing bother his point of view but no one else's:

To him, it meant disaster.

See what I mean? How can it be both normal and disastrous at the same time? It can't. Be less vague, too. Show us the juicy details of the cat and such! Fill us with Gavon. Dialogue, remember, can also be a key defining characteristic of those characters. Slang, abbreviations, and showing emotions through the words are all essential in doing that.

Not a lot more to say, but keep writing! I'd be interested to see how you take this further. Hope I helped,

Blinky