If nobody believes in God anymore, Allen Winter thought, why are they building this tower? He shook his head, graying hair flopping over into his eyes.
They hadn’t officially named the project, but mentally he dubbed it “Babel”. After all, this was meant to be the world's leading communication center. It rose, unfinished, to height of nearly ten stories. Construction crews swarmed the scaffolding.
His cell phone rang. Allen grimaced, but removed the device from his coat pocket. "Hello, this is Allen Winter...
Why, hello, Alistair.”
“Allen, are you at the tower again?” Allistair Martin’s voice carried a note of wry humor.
“It’s not going to blow away. Come on home, will you?”
“I’m not sure how to say this. I think this is part of the prophecy.”
Allistir sighed into the phone.
“All right, I’ll be there around six. Keep supper on the table.” With a decisive click, he shut the cell phone.
It was a short walk to where his car stood waiting.
There was relatively little traffic. He debated turning on the radio and decided against it.
Silence was preferable.
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Canary word: Present
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
I enjoyed reading this. I love how the project is dubbed 'Babel', being a 'religious freak' to the extent of reading a children's picture Bible several times because each page had around half a sentence on it =P.
I enjoyed how the story was left open. I don't know why, I just enjoy it when things are left up to the reader. That said, I would have liked to still have seen more description in this piece. I think you should keep working on it. I'd like to see what this turns into =)
I really liked this story. Just a few little things, I think you need to try and tell us a little more, maybe more description - especially at the end. Also the sentence "shut the cell" seems a bit awkward, somewhat unnecessary. I think we need to connect and relate to the character a bit more, but perhaps that will come with some more description. Keep up the good work, I'm interested to see how you go:)
Hi, Stori!
I want to know more about these characters and this tower.
I really enjoyed reading this, but I feel like there should be more to this story than you've given us. I kept looking to see if there was a second page somewhere. The idea has made me curious, but it almost felt more like a prologue than a complete short story.
I really liked this opening, but I feel that you didn't take this particular thought any further. What does God have to do with this tower? I know it's hard not to get too info-dumpy, but I think you could add a few more details.
This sentence chops the flow of the paragraph a little. Maybe you could tie it in more to the ideas in the previous sentence.
He says he's uncertain of how to say it, but you don't indicate any sort of pause before he makes his statement. I almost think you could do without the first sentence. That would imply that he's mentioned it before, but you know your characters better than I.
At first, I thought Allistair had said this. Then I read the second sentence, and it didn't make any sense. It might help to add some sort of tag for the slow people like me.
Overall, I thought this was well-written, and I didn't see any grammatical errors. Yay!! I really want to know what happens next, though.
-Sea-