Was this it? Had I come all this way just to perish? I shook my head, determined to drive such thoughts away. Mirages swam on the horizon; I thought I saw Gray, reaching out to me.
Or was that really him? I could swear I felt his hand on mine. He was murmuring in my ear. “Don’t do this, Avari. Don’t die.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” The words barely equated to a whisper.
Gray didn’t answer. Instead I think he slung me over his shoulder. Maybe I fell asleep, because the next thing I felt was a straw mattress. A dozen earthy scents wafted around me.
“Are you back with us?”
“Gray… Where are we?”
He laughed. “What were you doing in the desert, friend?”
I squinted up at him. “Running from slavers; what did you think?”
“You never change.” Stepping away from the bed, he added, “What do you think of my house?”
The place was rough but clean. Four earth walls bounded a space free of clutter, its only furniture the bed I occupied and a low wooden stool. In one corner a kettle sang to itself over a small fire.
With Gray’s help I sat up. He went to the kettle, limping only slightly.
End of chapter
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
A solid beginning and an excellent draw. The beginning and end were a little sudden though, maybe you could start from just before she collapses. Get a better idea of the enviorment she's in. Who is Gray, how does she know him? Why would she be running from slavers? This piece leaves a lot of unanswered questions, but that's alright it draws the reader into the story and gets them hooked.
You handled this very well, the only other thing I can think of is that it could use a little more description right now it just feels like a blank space around the hut.
It's a very good story I liked it very much, and would like to read more.
I'm agreeing with everybody else so far. It was short, and it felt really cut off. Was this an introduction or, like, the start to a chapter? It felt like starting a movie halfway through it, and you're trying to pick up the plot. Otherwise, good so far!
I'm kind of upset at you for making it so short. I've only been on here for a little while and I'm having a really hard time finding things I actually enjoy reading. Yours is my favorite so far and you give me so little! It's really good. But, yeah, I agree with other people. It's really abrupt. You should fix that, unless you intend the next part to be a completely different scene, in which case you could still end this a little bit more smoothly. Or more dramatically. It doesn't even have to be longer, just make something happen. You could say that he feels relieved (or whatever you want him to feel) or even dialogue where Grey offers him tea (or whatever).
Love this! Despite the short length, this was amazing and it really captured my attention. I feel like I already kind of know Avari.
PM me when you post more!
Love and Other Things,
fictionfanatic
Oh, sorry! Whenever I read a story I always assume the MC is female. :s Flaw of mine. Well, could you not hint that the MC is male? Run a hand through short hair? Say how Gray struggled to lift him because of his size? I don't know. What does your MC look like?
Thank you, Emma. Just for the record, Avari is male.
Hi Stori!! I love the title of your story, it's really nice.
This was really good. I really want to know what your MC's been through. What had she done to think she was so close to death? Etc. So, yeah, congrats on the sense of mystery you've built up here. (:Wow, that was short. Did you mean it to end then? It just feels a little cut off at the end... He asks a question and then it just ends without any response, or cliff-hanger or anything. It does feel as though you've accidentally pressed "submit". Could you not add a bit more? Also, is this a prologue? It readers more as a chapter one, but looks like a small prologue. Could you not make that clearer?
However, your first few lines drew me in with the mystery they create.
Um... I don't know what else to say... This was such a short post... maybe you could add a little more description, especially of Gray and his house. Um, that's all really. Hope this helps and that you give me a PM when you post more. (:
~EmmaJane