"Crystal cat," the doctor said. "I have it on file: scientific name Felis mineralles. Species is adapted to low-light environs. Two subspecies: Felis min. Aiger and Felis min. Slivi.
If you believe the legend, they were created when Bast, the first cat, breathed life into the rocks."
"You have it, sir. The Silvi are domesticated, but the Aiger, rarely so. Studies have found them to have limited telepathic abilities."
The doctor nodded. "What has all of this to do with me?"
"I was getting to that, sir. We have a rare case: an Aiger female, in good condition."
"And...?"
"Since your secondary education was in zoology, I thought you might like to see her." Parker gestured to the door leading to the rest of the clinic. They were night and day: the doctor in his freshly pressed medical tunic; himself in a more rumpled shirt and shorts.
"I would indeed."
**
The space is too bright. Half-seen forms reach for her;
she rears, spitting at them. Her hip throbs, and she drops to all fours.
One of them steps forward, making soft, meaningless sounds. He reaches out to stroke her and she glares at him.
Undaunted, he rubs her back. Despite her fear, the touch feels good.
She lets him stroke her, making more of his sounds.
She tries to pull free, but it envelops her. Blackness.
**
"What a fascinating animal!" exclaimed the doctor. "Those paws, they're just right for digging. Impressive teeth as well. What do they eat?"
His assistant pointed out various sets. "The canines are here. They work on small prey: bats, rock lizards and the like. Molars are here... they're not much for chewing."
The doctor smiled. "I didn't know you were a dentist, Parker."
The aide went on. "They'll swallow crystal the way a bird does pebbles, to break up their food."
"That's very neat. You live in a cave, so you get your minerals directly."
"Yes, sir. They can sniff out veins, too."
"Just like a kid with rock candy."
Questions:
1) Are the cat's feelings realistic? Is the style jarring?
2) Do you find the doctor and Parker interesting?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Blushing for being recognized as a dentist too? Seems unrealistic to me.
Overall impressions:
This is way too short and rushed. There's no actual plot nor conflict to this. It's just some scientists researching a fantasy creature. I don't really see the point of this. What theme/idea are you trying to express here? You need to plan it out more as there doesn't seem to be a purpose to all this.
You have the right idea as to what beasts would feel, but there is no elaboration on the feelings to convince the reader that the creature is having those feelings. You are simply listing the feelings of the creature, and this also evident by your choppy sentences (which is grammatically incorrect by the way). Show more of the creature's feelings. For example, if he is feeling pain, have him growling loudly or moving about wildly.
As for the scientists, I don't find them interesting as you haven't distinguished as to who they are as individuals. All we know is that they are scientists, nothing more. Add more detail to them. What are their thoughts and feelings? How do they interact with one another? Make them seem like real people.
Good luck.
Andy.
I agree with Ygaron. The molar thing was... weird.
The way you write the cat's feelings is very creative and realistic.
My only worry is it might become repetitive because of the choppy style.
The Doctor and Parker? Well, they aren't very interesting yet. You asked if I found them interesting- post more of the story first.
You have a good thing going. I'm not really sure of the plot. There weren't any grammar mistakes I saw.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Hey, Jagster! okay, first, are the rocks just for minerals or do they help break up food? (the teeth would do that). Secondly, it seems a little unclear here:
Do the teeth swallow the rocks or do the teeth break up the rocks for swallowing, or do the cats swallow them whole? (The first part would seem more than a little odd, but you gotta be clear about that kinda thing). As for your questions, I do not feel that there is enough information to answer them. hope this helps, Kyte!-----Yagaron Redson
(a.k.a. Ygaron)