Hi Spearmint and MapleWay,
Mailice here with a short review! 
The story takes an unexpected turn in this act and I am very surprised at how it has developed. The fact that a strange man is now present to help them (who can't be trusted yet because he ate a veggie sandwich ) is a completely new beginning for me. I like how you used this act to highlight two things; firstly that they now know exactly that the antidote is vegetables and it can be used to save the world, as well as the introduction of the man.
It was a fun chapter. I can only ever repeat myself there, but the inclusion of the seriousness and the humour always make a good combination. I just expected maybe someone would reference the Jellybeans series when the man throws the jellybeans in the van, and you get sceptical on that.
One point where I'm still in doubt as to whether this was a great idea was the insertion of the man. I think the kids are certainly better off if they're going to manage to defeat the brothers on their own, but I'll have to wait and see how much screentime the man will take up. In that, I also think it would be good if you could give him a name.
Otherwise, it was a well-written chapter. I didn't find anything necessarily in the way of grammar and also for the sake of structure, it read well. As I said, I'm not so sure yet with the man, how he's inserted and if that was good or not, but still, it's great to insert a new character to give the story a new background. Other points that stood out to me:
Hey, I saw you kids sneaking into the base. Um... what were you doing?
That seems like a not-so-bright adult to me, so in restraint he has to ask the kids what they were doing.
Sebastian's reaction is delicious, how he ignores him and closes the door while asking who he might be. (gasps) Ahh nooo Gus, first rule of spying: don't give away our intel to random strangers who eat veggie sandwiches!
That's the most important rule there is for spies!
Don't trust anyone, especially anyone who eats veggie sandwiches. ... I've got candy.
This sounds creepier than it actually is, but is also probably the most effective way to get the kids docile.
Come on. (Takes a couple of jellybeans out of his pocket and throws them into the van. (Also on another note if there are any kids reading...D Don't do this under any circumstances!))
The question I ask myself here is whether you can catch an adult with them.
It was a great act with the inclusion of a new character without losing the humour. I really liked how the kids find him sceptical and ominous and also don't immediately trust him until the point with the jellybeans and the van.
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
Points: 119938
Reviews: 1232
Donate