z

Young Writers Society


12+

(A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale, Act 8

by MapleWay, Spearmint


Setting: The treehouse

KIT

All right, people! Time to head out. Remember, the three locations are Pittsburgh, Dallas, and Salt Lake City! Pittsburgh people with Gus, Dallas with Seb, and Salt Lake City with me. So, let's get to it! Grab a bag, pack some of the snacks Gus got, and find your parent's cars, everyone! (Claps hands excitedly, shoos kids out of treehouse)

(All of the kids spend almost a week driving to their destinations. They were all very sick of PBJ's, jellybeans, chips, juice boxes, and car music.)

KIT (outside the parked car, in Salt Lake City)

Whoo-hoo, we're here!! (Grins at the other kids) Isn't this so exciting?

RANDOM KID 1

I- I don't feel so good... (Gulps nervously)

RANDOM KID 2

Get him a bag, quick!

RANDOM KID 1

(Throws up rainbow color barf) bleh... too many jellybeans... (Wipes mouth weakly)

KIT

(Looks at RANDOM KID 1) Oh... oh dear. Uh, someone get him cleaned up, quick! (Other kids rush in to help, KIT smiles nervously) Um. Anyways, for everyone who didn't get carsick, isn't this awesome? (Starts grinning again)

OTHER KIDS

(Mumble a bit) sure...

KIT (still cheery)

Well, here's the plan. First, we'll rest a bit at Salt Lake City. Feel free to explore, but don't go too far! Second, we will go round up all of the people here. Third, we'll drive-- (Groans from the other kids) Aw, come on, this time will be better! Let's try tuna sandwiches this time; how about that? (More groans) ...ah well. Hopefully a few days of rest will do you all good. And- (Stops to count fingers) And fourth, we'll go meet up with Gus and Seb's groups in Topeka!

KIT (looking back at the groaning kids, then spotting a playground)

I have an idea! How about we got on those huge slides! They look fun!

KIDS

(All shrug) Sure!

(They all went and had a fun time. But then a couple of the ones who got carsick threw up again)

KIT

Oh... My bad! (Grins nervously) But it was still fun! Right?

RANDOM KID 1 (To RANDOM KID 2)

You know... I'm starting to regret coming on this adventure.

KIT (Turning around)

I heard that!

RANDOM KID 1 (To KIT)

(Pouts) You have gotten me sick on multiple occasions. Not to mention I can never eat another jellybean or watch my favorite television show ever again. (Stomps foot)

KIT

(Begins to frown) Oh no, was it Fun and Jellybeans? (Sighs) I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, all of you. I... I guess it's time I start thinking of other people too, huh? So... What do you guys want to do?

(All of the kids huddle up and start whispering to each other)

RANDOM KID 3 (Turning to KIT)

Okay. So here's the thing. We want more say in decisions. You can still be the head leader. But we want you to listen to our ideas. Not only listen but agree to them. (Kid whispers in their ear) Oh right! And we want better snacks.

KIT

Hmm... all right! Yeah, sorry if I was bossy... I can be like that sometimes... Or maybe all the time... (Shuffles her feet embarrassedly, then looks up) But the point is, I'll do better! (Smiles at kids) Let me know whenever you have any ideas! Actually, I agree with the idea you all just told me! Our first course of action should be to find better snacks. (Looks at the grocery market across the street) How about there? (Points to the market)

OTHER KIDS

Yay!! (Run, skip, and jump across the empty street to the grocery market) (sounds of a candy fight and multiple shopping carts careening around can be heard)

KIT (Talking to herself)

You know... I think we really might have a chance!

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Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:33 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well...this was a fun break from being just all about fun to inject a touch of logic and realism into the story. And I think that's not a bad decision at all, it always good to make sure things don't get too unrealistic or it might destroy the immersion down the line.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Setting: The treehouse

KIT

All right, people! Time to head out. Remember, the three locations are Pittsburgh, Dallas, and Salt Lake City! Pittsburgh people with Gus, Dallas with Seb, and Salt Lake City with me. So, let's get to it! Grab a bag, pack some of the snacks Gus got, and find your parent's cars, everyone! (Claps hands excitedly, shoos kids out of treehouse)


Okay....well that was a very quick planning session...I like it...simple and effective.

(All of the kids spend almost a week driving to their destinations. They were all very sick of PBJ's, jellybeans, chips, juice boxes, and car music.)

KIT (outside the parked car, in Salt Lake City)


Oooh a little time jump I see.

Whoo-hoo, we're here!! (Grins at the other kids) Isn't this so exciting?

RANDOM KID 1

I- I don't feel so good... (Gulps nervously)

RANDOM KID 2

Get him a bag, quick!

RANDOM KID 1

(Throws up rainbow color barf) bleh... too many jellybeans... (Wipes mouth weakly)


Well that was not a scene that I was expecting to read about anytime in the near future...yeah....I'm just going to delete that image from the brain for the moment...

KIT

(Looks at RANDOM KID 1) Oh... oh dear. Uh, someone get him cleaned up, quick! (Other kids rush in to help, KIT smiles nervously) Um. Anyways, for everyone who didn't get carsick, isn't this awesome? (Starts grinning again)

OTHER KIDS

(Mumble a bit) sure...

KIT (still cheery)


Well...that could be a slight wrench in the plans.

Well, here's the plan. First, we'll rest a bit at Salt Lake City. Feel free to explore, but don't go too far! Second, we will go round up all of the people here. Third, we'll drive-- (Groans from the other kids) Aw, come on, this time will be better! Let's try tuna sandwiches this time; how about that? (More groans) ...ah well. Hopefully a few days of rest will do you all good. And- (Stops to count fingers) And fourth, we'll go meet up with Gus and Seb's groups in Topeka!

KIT (looking back at the groaning kids, then spotting a playground)

I have an idea! How about we got on those huge slides! They look fun!


Oh dear...well...on the bright side, Kit having endless cheeriness should go someway to at least trying to make the kids more cheery.

KIDS

(All shrug) Sure!

(They all went and had a fun time. But then a couple of the ones who got carsick threw up again)

KIT

Oh... My bad! (Grins nervously) But it was still fun! Right?


Poor guy is trying very hard here to keep everything running smoothly.

RANDOM KID 1 (To RANDOM KID 2)

You know... I'm starting to regret coming on this adventure.

KIT (Turning around)

I heard that!

RANDOM KID 1 (To KIT)


Oh dear....the plan might be starting to break apart at the seams here...this is not looking for team jellybeans.

(Pouts) You have gotten me sick on multiple occasions. Not to mention I can never eat another jellybean or watch my favorite television show ever again. (Stomps foot)

KIT

(Begins to frown) Oh no, was it Fun and Jellybeans? (Sighs) I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, all of you. I... I guess it's time I start thinking of other people too, huh? So... What do you guys want to do?

(All of the kids huddle up and start whispering to each other)


Everyone whispering to each other sounds ominous.

RANDOM KID 3 (Turning to KIT)

Okay. So here's the thing. We want more say in decisions. You can still be the head leader. But we want you to listen to our ideas. Not only listen but agree to them. (Kid whispers in their ear) Oh right! And we want better snacks.

KIT


Well that was less devastating than I expected it to be.

Hmm... all right! Yeah, sorry if I was bossy... I can be like that sometimes... Or maybe all the time... (Shuffles her feet embarrassedly, then looks up) But the point is, I'll do better! (Smiles at kids) Let me know whenever you have any ideas! Actually, I agree with the idea you all just told me! Our first course of action should be to find better snacks. (Looks at the grocery market across the street) How about there? (Points to the market)

OTHER KIDS

Yay!! (Run, skip, and jump across the empty street to the grocery market) (sounds of a candy fight and multiple shopping carts careening around can be heard)


Yay!! We're back on track!!

KIT (Talking to herself)

You know... I think we really might have a chance!
[/quote]

Team evil cookies better watch out...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think it was another good part here. I continue to enjoy reading this more and more. Looking forward to more acts as always...aaand that's it for now. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




MapleWay says...


Thanks for the review! :D



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Sun Apr 25, 2021 5:28 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hi there, thanks for tagging me, I was looking forwards to this release :D

I felt like in this chapter, the plot is propelling itself at a faster pace. And I mean that in the best of ways. The precedent chapters introduced characters, painted the setting, but I felt like the plot was very slowly advancing. But in this chapter I could feel the progression, and I can see where this is going. Which is absolutely great!

I loved the humour in this one, it felt very natural, just great 👌

Pittsburgh people with Gus, Dallas with Seb, and Salt Lake City with me.

Did you mean that Pittsburgh has guys named Gus, Dallas and Seb ? Or do you mean those who want to go to Pittsburgh should go with Gus, Dallas and Seb, and those who want to go to Lake City should go with her ?
A small error, but that still makes the sentence confusing. You could try rephrasing it so it fits better with what you were trying to say

I also didn't really get how the whole trip happened.
Did they just drive there on their own ? Like the kids ? Or did the kids go in the cars of Gus, Seb and Kat, and drove there ? But then why do they need their parent's car ?
Or maybe they're old enough, but I feel like none of them are 18, which I believe is the minimum age to be able to drive ? Unless it's different in their universe or where you live.

I love how all the kids aren't just cardboard cutouts that just go along with everything always with a smile on their face, they actually face conflict and the leaders deal with this conflict in a very diplomatic manner.


Although since Kit's character is supposed to be kinda bossy, I don't think she would've been this open to their ideas. When she said "oh it's true I can be bossy, sorry", I didn't believe it since nothing showed she was bossy. Show, don't tell basically.

You can tell me a person saved the world, has a unicorn horn on his head, rainbow hair and dragon wings that can teleport, but unless you show it, I won't believe you.
Just as saying that someone is "brave" and "kind", but if he never does anything risky and never shows any particular kindness to anyone or anything, well I won't believe it either.
Since she's "bossy", realistically she'd totally shun their opinion and ideas and just tell them to listen to her. Maybe during the course of the novel she grows out of this "bossy" trait, and starts being more open and diplomatic with others, but if her "bossy"-ness is never shown, it's just not believable.

Don't be afraid to give your characters some flaws, if you're avoiding trying to make her too bossy otherwise she'll look like the bad guy, don't. No one loves a perfect Mary Sue. Flaws are kinda what makes someone likeable.
And a "bossy" trait is even better as it raises tension within the group, and it makes for some great conflict. So don't be afraid to show her being bossy without holding back, and trust me it'll make this story even more memorable

Have a great time with the writing !




MapleWay says...


Thanks for the review! I'll take a look at some of these things later!



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Sun Apr 25, 2021 9:00 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi MapleWay and Spearmint!

Mailice back with a new review! :D

Let's get right into what caught my eye. I like how the story is developing and the pace at which it's progressing. There were sometimes moments in the previous chapters where it felt like the plot wasn't progressing (where I sometimes thought to myself that this wasn't the top priority), but here it developed very well and you got some more new insights into Kit and the humour wasn't lacking either. (Which is probably most important to me, just laughing and smiling while reading).

Grab a bag, pack some of the snacks Gus got, and find your cars, everyone!


Here's that point again, where I noted in the last part that you should replace the "your", but now I'm wondering how old Gus and Co are. And can't you get a driving licence in the US at 16? I don't have a clue about that. :D


(All of the kids spend almost a week driving to their destinations. They were all very sick of PBJ's, jellybeans, chips, juice boxes, and car music).


I can really picture driving across the Great Plains on an endless long highway and seeing, hearing and eating nothing but the same thing over and over again. I can also imagine here that it's not so easy to sit in a car for so many hours with Kit, where she sometimes shows this bossy manner. I also imagined some kids riding through on motorbikes and how they would look like a motor bike gang. :D

As a note; Kit has dialogue once where the formatting is centred. :D

(They all went and had a fun time. But then a couple of the ones who got carsick threw up again).


I can well imagine the playground glowing in the colours of the rainbow afterwards :D

KIT (Turning around)
I heard that!


Here you could maybe add a quick note that Kit took it the wrong way or she's overreacting a bit. I can't imagine Kit saying it in a normal conversational tone here, but shouting out loud straight away.

Not only listen but agree to them.


It sounds a lot like politics and the power struggle between the parties who can't agree and yet it seems great integrated into the story. :D

(Run, skip, and jump across the empty street to the grocery market)


I'm not always so skilled at English idioms, but wouldn't it fit better here to replace the "run" with "hop" to make the phrase hop, skip and jump?


What I also liked about this chapter was that a bit of seriousness came out and that the Random Kids are not all "Friede, Freude, Eierkuchen"(German for Peace, Joy and Pancakes; it means that everything is fine and everyone is happy), but also doubts about the trip come up and you see the kids holding some kind of "crisis management". It's not your typical trip to a summer camp or holiday.

You also managed that very well and I'm glad to see how it could also be solved in such a great and diplomatic way.

I think this also allows me to conclude that the story is moving in a very interesting direction and that you have given a lot of thought to some points about how things should continue. I can see a clear improvement and development from the first act in terms of technique and story (not that the first acts were bad). I think it's great that you can experience a progression when you follow the story from the first act. :D


Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.




MapleWay says...


Thanks so much, for the review! I changed a couple of the things you suggested! :D




grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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