With the fall of the Bivoclar Lizards, a temporary peace has been returned to our town. Now, we're all well aware that this peace won't last for long, because Frost Lark is a weirdly dangerous place to live. I mean, Elderly Mister Finch has died six times in mostly arson-related incidents. It may be the most dangerous town on the West Coast, but we live in it, so we love it. However, with this temporary peace, I've had the opportunity to explore a mystery plaguing me since I disappeared for a month and a half. Is it possible that I founded Cloud Ice, Frost Lark's neighboring town? In my investigation, I have made a terrifyingly interesting discovery.
“The Order of the Library”
Now that mutiny of the Frost Lark government has been averted, the Order of the Library has locked themselves in the back closet of the library and gone into hibernation. Without a purpose, they felt it best to retire themselves until the next potential mutiny. We do not know when next we will see them, but we do know that they are always ready to protect us from strange organizations bent on town-wide domination! The Frost Lark Police could not be reached for comment, because apparently they don't want people to ask them things like “How does it feel not being the go-to protective force?” or “Why didn't you do anything against the bipedal lizards threatening Frost Lark?” There goes that plan.
“Addressing Biased News”
I constantly get hundreds of questions asking me “Skyla, you're so great at reporting news! How do I ensure that I get reliable news outside of your newspaper?” Well, I get about three a month. I think that's a considerable amount. How many times do you get asked how to find reliable news? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, my answer to such questions is to avoid biased news. The simple trick to identifying biased news is to find loaded words and facts which don't offer sources. For instance, if you see something claiming it to be the most dangerous place, and it doesn't tell you how or when a study was conducted proving this, then it probably isn't a good source of information. If it claims something is the best, then be wary. Of course, Frost Lark News is the most reliable source of news in town, and starting in two weeks, we'll be broadcasting a television channel for it. Stay tuned!
Have you ever visited New York City? Yeah, me neither. Funny, I can't think of anyone who's visited New York City. Can you? Of course not! Strange. Perhaps New York City doesn't truly exist. You never know. I should investigate.
-Burger King: “New York City isn't real.”
You are walking on a boardwalk. It overlooks a beach. The sun is setting, and the pink light tints the water. Red waves slam into the shore, and it looks like the ocean is bleeding. You want to help the ocean. You want to help something, someone. But you've never been able to help anyone. You are just a human, and humans are small and insignificant. You keep walking down that endless boardwalk, and as you continue, you hear a saxophone. It emits a beautiful tune, and you almost want to dance along to it. Further down the walkway, a bench comes into view. A man is standing in front of it, swinging side to side whilst playing a golden saxophone. He sees you, but doesn't stop playing. You approach him. Closer. Closer. Eventually, you're close enough to make out the words on his shirt. They read “Lego. Your kids want them. We sell them.” You look at the man again, but now he is a giant lego figure. His saxophone is just yellow bricks. He smiles at you, a fake, plastic smile. He is made of plastic. You are made of plastic. We are all legos.
This message brought to you by Lego.
Are you dissatisfied with your life?
c) Maybe so
d) This is a yes or no question
e) Are you? I asked you first. I asked you second. Stop this. No, you stop this. This is my survey! Are you sure? Yes! Fair enough.
Frost Lark Health Tips
According to an ongoing study, it “just may be possible that breathing is unhealthy.” Now, this isn't a proven fact, but experts say that not breathing might “be worth a shot,” and encourage any and all people to try it out.
“Surprising Discovery” (continued)
As I was looking through a book titled Civilizations on the West Coast Through the Ages, I came to two startling realizations. The first is that they need to work on their titles, whoever wrote that book. I mean, really? Eight words? You can do better. But I also learned something shocking regarding our town's heritage. Frost Lark is not just a town. It was once a great empire. Well, it was once two warring empires, which eventually merged. This interested me, and so I've called in a history expert to help me analyze these documents. Next week, rather than our regularly scheduled news accounts, we will be publishing the historian's results. Look forward to it!