I hope you like this!
It started out as a dream.
I knew that I was dreaming, for some reason, but I didn’t question why I knew. I didn’t have the urge to slap myself awake, either. Something was tugging at me not to.
In the dream, I was standing behind a chain-link fence in a field, a field that I knew stretched for miles and miles, and possibly never ended. There was grass on my side of the fence, but on the other side, there was a great expanse of glass-still, turquoise water.
I had the feeling I had been there before, behind the fence, many times. But that’s a symptom of dreams, that whole deja vù factor.
The sky was white, perfect pristine white. Like a cloudy day before a storm, except without any clotting in the color, and the air was dry- no sign of rain. And I could not feel the pain of the sun behind my eyes no matter where I turned to look.
I noticed a rabbit hopping across the water, just a dot at first, making thin ripples across its surface like a skipping stone thrown to me from from far, far away. It was a little grey rabbit, just the color of the pebbles I would find in the creek behind my house, and its eyes were black and sensitive. It stopped at the edge of the fence, wiggled its nose at me, as bunnies do, and then proceeded to dig the water behind the fence.
The creature became frustrated after a time when the water did not spray up from its tail like dirt would, when the liquid unearthed by its little grey feet sank back into smoothness. The bunny whimpered, and looked at me sadly, and then laid itself down in front of the fence, paws over its velvet ears. It was such a human gesture, one of frustration and humiliation, and of hopelessness.
It had traveled all of this way, and I felt bad for it.
I wanted to help it.
So I put my hands under the water, under where the rabbit was sitting like a cat on a glass coffee table, and I pulled it in. Through, through to the other side of the fence.
It squealed, thrashing, and I was so scared, for all the fuss it made, that it would really drown, or that its too-fast pumping heart would burst. But it wanted to make it to the other side, didn’t it? The grass was greener here.
it was over in a minute. The damp rabbit shivered away from my hands like a fish, landing wetly on the ground and hopping around and around in circles, its eyes wild. But in time it quieted, its sides expanding and contracting more gently, and it began to probe the ground for clovers. The long white whiskers over its eyes twitched pleasantly.
And then, before my eyes, it transformed.
It was not a sudden change, nor a slow one; it just was. It was as if, somehow, I only had just realized that what I had thought him to be wasn’t what he was, but he had been there all along.
Where there had once been a small grey rabbit was now a small young boy, with a pointed face, brown-grey skin and huge, sensitive black eyes.
“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you so much.”
“For what?” I asked. “ You are just a little rabbit in need of some food, aren’t you?” I ruffled his hair, which, looking back on the dream, was odd. It was an intimate gesture, sisterly.
The rabbit boy smiled shyly and ducked his head a little. “Yeah, kind of.” he smoothed his feathery black hair down, and said, “I’m free. I can repay you now.”
I laughed and said, “Glad to help, but I don’t need compensation. You’re free to go.”
“No,” he protested, with a new vigor. His thin mouth set. “You freed me. I will pay you back. Tradition.”
Before I could retort that it was on me, that he didn’t owe me anything, he said, “Three days. On me.” And nothing more.
Then he reached out with a remarkably long-fingered hand for such a small body and touched me exactly between the eyes. And he was gone.
I felt it in me, something changing, like my body were a pond and someone had thrown a stone dead in the center of my heart. But it wasn't heavy there. It was like the pebble had been made of light and was radiating all through my body.
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125,617 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
Hi Satira! overall i really liked it! although. it doesn't really seem like a short story it does seem like the first chapter of a story and i think maybe you could play with that to your advantage! i like how descriptive you were of the surroundings and feelings yet be careful you almost made the mistake of being too over-discriptive which is a common mistake. the story had a nice dream like quality which was very apparent. i really would like to see more because if you leave it just like this its a little confusing. i would like to have seen more sentence variations because some times you start sentences with i too many times. in the end very well done and great job
Yep, don't worry, I'll update...sometime xD. I put it as a 'short story' because that's what it is- it's a part of a short story. But I COULD change the category, since everybody is so upset about it!
thanks for reviewing!
Hi Satira!
Although you posted this in short story, by the title, it seems like this is a first chapter to something? So I will review it as such.
I really liked this; it was very cute and endearing. I particularly enjoyed how the main character observed the rabbit and you, as the writer, were very good at describing their thoughts and feelings. I'm very much intrigued and would like to read more!
Of course, there is always room for improvement!
This is a very short piece so one if often inclined to make sentences a lot shorter. But, believe it or not, short sentences makes the pace much faster. I don't think this chapter is one that should necessarily have a very fast pace, though. It's very relaxed and slow. This article is very helpful when it comes to this!
The biggest thing that I think you need to focus on here is being clear. I struggle with this sometimes, so I know how challenging it can be. It can be exciting to write somewhat obscurely and abstractly, but you still have the ensure that things can be understood. Some parts where I found things to be a little foggy:
This is confusing because it isn't realistic, unless she's having a lucid dream? And in that case, it wouldn't make sense either because lucid dreams are about having control (that said, she does have awareness). I don't understand why she would question why she knows she was dreaming? I mean, I have dreams and I don't question why they're happening (they're happening because I'm sleeping and maybe tired). I think you've gone a bit too far here, trying to make things a little more insightful, maybe? You might do well to make things for realistic, more probable and likely, as this will encourage a connect between reader and protagonist. It will also just make more sense!
A little confusing in terms of syntax. Might be better to write "And I could not feel behind my eyes the pain of the sun..." - at the same time though, I don't really know what you're trying to convey.
This is strange, too, because a stone implies weight but then you counter that by saying it's not heavy and then talk of pebbles? There's some consistency lacking here and I see what type of comparison you're trying to make, but consider rephrasing and rewording so that the metaphor makes more sense.
Overall, I think I would like to see more insight from the protagonist and some more detail about the characters, what they see and feel, etc. I know it's only the first chapter, but there's not too much here, so you have the time and the room. That being said, make sure it flows well and try to be consistent and clear with what you mean. Pay attention to pace, like I said.
Well done! If you have any questions, or want me to review something else, feel free to message me or click the link to my WRFF thread. I'm happy to help!
Thanks for the read.
Lav
Thank you for the review! All of your criticisms were spot on- maybe I'll take you up on your offer soon! :
glad you liked it, for the most part.
~Satira
Hi Satira, comrie here to review. I'll try to keep this review as orderly as I can!
I liked your story a lot. It was a nicely written and I am very happy I read this. The title intrigued me, along with the description. Glad I decided to dive in!
I like how you described the water here. It sounds so pretty. I can just imagine it in my head and ah, it looks beautiful.
I really, really, really liked these sentences. It's my favorite here. Reading this - it was almost as if I felt a stone hit me in the center of my heart. I think you did a good job of showing here. You could have gone simple like, but you didn't. And I love that you didn't. This is so awesome. And the light radiating through the narrator's body - I felt like I had light running through my body. I just love when writers are able to make me feel stuff just as their characters are. I just love it.
One thing I'd work on here (and I hate that I have to point this out because I like this ending so much) would be the "stone" and "pebble" thing. You used them interchangeably, which I can understand. But I think you should stick with one. In my head, stones seem bigger than pebbles. So when you used pebble, I got confused a bit. I'm personally not sure which one to go with. I think stone is good if you want to go for something sudden and something that can definitely be felt. But then you went on to say it wasn't heavy there, and sometimes stones are heavy. Maybe if you say a "small stone" it'd be better but in that case, pebble would be better because it's basically a small stone.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. It makes sense in my head but writing it out, it feels like it doesn't make sense. If you have questions about it, let me know! But know that I do love this ending. A lot.
Just one question here: how did the narrator know the rabbit was looking for clovers? Like specifically for clovers? I think you can remove the "for clovers" part and end the sentence there. Or you could make it an assumption of the narrator. Something like, But in time it quieted, its sides expanding and contracting more gently, and it began to probe the ground, as if it was feeling for (blank). I say (blank) because you can make it whatever you want. If you want to go with clovers, you can. I just don't know how the narrator would know. I know the writer (you) would know this, but I don't know how the narrator in the story would. Or you can say it was feeling for something to hold onto. If you did decide to say as if it was feeling for something to hold onto, I'd add an adjective for "probe." Maybe desperately? Quickly? Anything you might like.
Or you can leave as is.
I noticed errors while reading. I'd go through all of them, but I don't want to make this review "Corrections" based (unless you'd like for me to). I'll just point out a couple of the errors you can go through:
I feel like the "for some reason" part belongs in the beginning of the sentence rather than in the middle. To me, it looks awkward even though I know what you're trying to say with it. So my suggestion for this would be for you to move "for some reason" to the beginning of the sentence.
I think the "behind the fence" here is unnecessary. It still makes sense and the reader can still think that the narrator is behind the fence. You can keep it, though, if you want. In that case, I would suggest that you remove the "there" and replace it with "behind the fence."
To me, "symptom" seems like a weird word. I know what you're trying to say, but I'd find a better word to change it to. Maybe "manifestation"?
You used the word "white" more times than you needed t. Just saying, "The sky was a perfect pristine white" would be enough.
Capitalize the "i" in "it."
Capitalize the "h" in "he."
And that's it for the errors and stuff. I really enjoyed reading this story. I was just as surprised as the narrator over the rabbit changing forms. Nice. I enjoyed your writing style a lot, but with some corrections, it'll be even more awesome (and just a bit smoother, of course). And this is part 1 - I can't wait for part 2! Let me know when you post the next parts. I want to check them out too! I hope this review has been helpful.
Keep writing!
-comrie
Hello, Cailey here to review.
So I read the description and wasn't sure what to expect. I kind of thought it would be a cheesy sort of kids' story and was debating reading it, but I am so glad that I did. (I am the worst at descriptions. I never know what to say for mine and I always misinterpret other people's...)
This is so well written, everything flowed effortlessly and as soon as I started reading I was hooked. I usually check the length of short stories while I'm reading to decide whether I want to finish, but with this one I was so enthralled that I didn't even have time to look at the length.
One question/comment before I forget. What exactly are sensitive eyes? I think I know where you're going with it, but the adjective sensitive is so abstract. I prefer something I can really see and visualize, whereas sensitive could mean anything.
The girl's reaction to the boy seemed strange to me, but this is a dream (or something of the sort) and this is also just part one I believe?
I'm not on the site super frequently, but when part 2 comes out if you write on my wall I would love to read it for you as well.
I don't think this review has been very helpful at all, but maybe once all the parts are uploaded I can give a better review. In the meantime, this was great. Keep writing.
I'm glad you like it and commented, anyway ! ^.^
this is for a contest, so I'll be churning out the next 2 or 3 parts very, very soon.