I want to stress here that I don't break this story up into chapters. I break it into parts. When I feel like I cannot write another word without some encouragement/criticism from other writers, I post another 'part', but these are NOT chapters and should not be treated as such. So for example, please don't comment on how abrupt the ending was.
also, no nitpicking about spelling/spacing issues, please! They don't improve my writing, so I would rather they not appear.
So here's part 2. Part 1 wasn't overtly well received, but this one has more 'action', which apparently you guys go nuts over.
Lots of cute kids is an added bonus.
Enjoy! ~ Satira
Kira rolled her eyes and shook her dark hair behind her shoulder. “They aren’t being chained to their blankets. Sorry to dis-ap-point.” She drew the last word out.
“Oh, I am. I’m very disappointed,” Ben said. “ I was hoping you’d all starve to death before me and Naz here got back. Then we could have eaten all the food ourselves.” Finally his face softened into a warm, easy smile, and the little girl’s rather stiff postion relaxed.
“It doesn’t take two weeks without food to make someone die, anyway,” she said. “ Three, at least. Takes three weeks to die at least.” They both grinned at each other as if she had said something very funny. Naz frowned and rubbed the strap of his bag uncomfortably.
“I’m gonna go in now,” He said. He turned his head from the two to stare straight at the slit in the door. “Yeah, that’s right, you dirty little rats. You’d better get yourself in bed before I do chain you there.” The giggling got unmistakably louder, and there was a final shift of the shadows, a push of bodies, and a thump, as one fell. “Go, you filthy street animals,” Naz shouted at the door, his voice consciously low and rough, his back straightening into a powerful imitation. “Or I’ll take you to the cages!”
He stood for a few moments that way, in that stance of antagonistic strength, until he slumped over again.His yellow-grey hair seemed to grow lanker, and fell over his face, past his eyes. He smiled tiredly. “Coming?” He asked, his voice once more soft and thin.
Ben blinked, off guard. “Yeah.” He hitched the green backpack over his shoulder with some difficulty, and followed through the doorway and into the den, Kira tailing him like a kitten.
The air was thick and warm inside, the fire in the middle of the room flickering brightly through a low black chimney. It looked just like it did when Ben and Naz had left two weeks ago- the blackened, smokey brick walls, the wooden chair in the corner, the pots and pans and remaining food supplies piled hurriedly wherever there was space. The scent from the feathery pine branches that were lain across the floor like a rug. Threadbare, faded blankets covered the thin bodies that occupied them.Their eyes, from what Ben could tell, were shut tightly.
“Can we be awake yet?”
The loud whisper roused the rest immediately, and the giggling that had been muffled behind the wooden door rose sharply and turned into a high, shameless,echoing laugh that made the bodies shake and curl around each other.Ben collapsed on the nearest blanket, a brown moth-eaten one, and, rubbing it to his cheek, sighed contentedly. “No.”
The kid that had been under the blanket tugged it out of Ben’s hand. “No? Why not? It’s so boring to be asleep, Ben! We’ve been doing it for hours!”
Ben smiled dryly at the lie.“Sorry, bud. Me and Naz haven’t. Don’t you want Naz to sleep, Henry? Don’t you?”
The little boy rubbed his eyes with his fists. “Naz doesn’t sleep no matter what.”
“He’s got a point, you know,” Naz called from the other side of the room, who was settling down cross-legged near the the firewood pile, next to the heavy-lidded boy who had been tending it. “
Hey, Alden,” he said, tapping on his shoulder lightly. “Your shift is over.”
The boy poked the stick he was holding in the fire glumly. “Mm... hey, Naz. First break in...two weeks.” He said, more to himself than to anyone else.
“Pass me the stick. You can go rest now.”
“mrrr...’right.” But he stayed where he was.
Naz tapped him again. “Hey. Alden. You can go to sleep now.”
“You... I hope you brought something good back… two weeks. I’m about... to… die.”
Naz patted his back patiently. “Don’t worry. It was worth it. We got something really great.”
Alden looked satisfied, although it was hard to tell for sure. He handed over the stick, the end of which had become red and crumbly, and practically toppled out of his sitting position onto a dusty blue blanket and closed his eyes.
Ben looked at him skeptically. “Geez, I thought he’d be ok if we left him in charge. Apparently not...”
Behind him, Kira shook her head. “Actually, he’s been pretty good. He lets us stay up late and make fires during the day and everything! It’s fun.”
“Exactly,” Ben huffed. “Should’ve given the job to Marie.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. Just because she’s fourteen doesn’t mean anything. She gets really tired. Really often.” She tossed her hair behind her back, almost haughty. “She isn’t as fun as Alden. And she doesn’t tell us stories like he does.”
“Alden can tell stories when he isn’t in charge, too.”
“No, he can’t. He can’t get the little kids to shut up if he doesn’t have the au-thor-it-y.”
“If his stories were that good he wouldn’t have a problem shutting them up.”
Kira shook her head again. “You just haven’t heard him.”
“Then why can’t he get the attention of the kids?”
“He’s too nice.” She paused. “Anyway, if you left Marie with us, we’d be getting to bed by sunset, and then there’d be no time for good stories.”
Ben shrugged. “If you say so.”
He felt a tug at his sleeve again.
“I say so too. She is my sister.” Henry, his dark eyes wide and concerned. “She needs to be with me.”
“Okay, bud, don’t worry. She’s all yours.” Ben patted Henry’s head---(this is where I left off)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi, there! Lefty here to review chapter 2!
It was interesting to get to see their home and now I'm even more intrigued as to why they have to take care of a bunch of kids! The intriguing questions are piling up which makes the reader eager to read more.
So I'm going to go into the nitpicks now but I honestly didn't really find much so all of these are really picky and more like suggestions/opinions than anything. So it's totally up to you if you want to consider any of them...
Should probably be "selves" since he isn't talking to one specific person.
Because the story is written in past-tense I think "before" would be better than "ago".
I know that steam already mentioned this but I too noticed that random authors/reviewers note in the middle of the story which was a little confusing until I realized that's what it was.
I think specifying "the fire" would be better than "it".
Henry... said? I think there might be a word missing here.
Thats it! And again, those were all super nitpicky because I couldn't find anything else to nitpick! So nice job!
When Henry was talking about his sister, he was talking about Marie, right? I just wanted to make sure I understood correctly.
I really like the characters and already have a pretty decent feel for them. I like Naz a lot, he seems to be pretty funny. The comic relief in a dark dystopian world and I found it really funny when he was yelling at the kids through the door. You've given each of them a distinct voice already which can be very difficult to do, especially this early on so nice job! Again, nice descriptions and excellent grammar. The world you've created has a feel to it which I like and you also seem to have pretty realistic dialog. Keep up the good work and I will be sure to check out part 3!
Have a nice day,
Lefty
wow, you weren't lying about seeing the rest of it! Thank you for all the nitpicks-even though i'm not a fan of them, it's fine to get 'em now that they're out of the green room... hope you like Part 3, it's probably my favorite so far...yeah. ^^
Sure, I'll should probably be able to read part 3 tomorrow.
I always try to give a few nitpicks in my reviews but not that you've mentioned that you would prefer I not include them, I will try to exclude them unless I feel one is really important.
*now that
Hello, steampowered here for that review!
Now, I’m not entirely sure where the story’s going – again, perhaps a little bit of foreshadowing / subtle clue dropping might be nice here. I’m still quite confused about why the characters are where they are, who they are, etc. I got the impression it was a bunch of orphans doing what they could to survive, but I wasn’t sure if they were hiding from someone or anything like that. Hopefully all will be revealed as the story progresses, but I still think that hinting at what’s going to happen would be a really nice touch.
I like how you’ve split this story up into short sections; I find it so much easier for reviewing. I don’t know if you realised you added an author’s / reviewer’s comment into the middle of the story “I had to plough through this bit…” but if you intended to add it, it might be easier if you put it in bold or italics so it isn’t read as a part of the story.
I didn’t have to plough through it, actually. It might be monotonous if there was an excess of description, but I thought there was just enough for me to picture it. When it comes to describing the children, however, it didn’t quite make sense:
I understand what you’re saying, but I think you could do with having a sentence in between these two sentences to help smooth the leap from “thin bodies” to “their eyes” (otherwise it’s a bit ambiguous as to whether you’re referring to the blankets or the sleepers!) Although this is just a quick off-the-top-of-my-head suggestion to illustrate what I mean, maybe you could add in something like this:
Threadbare, faded blankets covered the thin bodies that occupied them. Ben stepped round the sleepers, looking down at their youthful faces. Their eyes, from what Ben could tell, were shut tightly.
I think this part is a little long and could do with being broken up into two or more sentences. Maybe you could end the sentence after “a dusty blue blanket?” There seem be a few too many sentence extensions (commas and conjunctions) for it to read smoothly.
This bit feels like tautology – you’ve used both the word “big” and the word “wide.” I’m not sure it’s necessary to use both as one kind of explains the other. Maybe just, “his eyes wide and concerned” or “concern in his big eyes?”
One other thing I noticed:
I don’t think this needs to be in brackets. Additional information, yes, but this isn’t additional information; it’s a part of the story. So simply: “He stood for a few moments that way, in that stance of antagonistic strength, until he slumped over again” would suffice.
I like the relationships between the characters and one thing I especially liked was your use of dialogue to help develop the characters. For example:
and
Reading this, I could immediately deduce that Marie is responsible, tries to play the adult, and is under quite a burden (the stress of which has made her less fun, and she sees looking after the kids as a chore rather than something to be enjoyed)
Alden, on the other hand, cracks a little under the same kind of pressure and is less mature and responsible than Marie. He also has a more relaxed attitude but is less of a leader (seeing as he doesn’t really enforce any rules and allows the kids to do what they want) However, he’s more imaginative and is better at entertaining the children, so the kids like him more. Ben, on the other hand, is pretty sensible and definitely comes across as being a leader.
I’m really glad I took the time to read this, and to write a review for it. This is a really promising story – I can picture it so well in my head and it makes a great introduction. I’m hoping that there’ll soon be some kind of indication of what’s to come, and the worldbuilding might need some working on (just because I’m still at a loss as to where or when this is) but it’s really coming along. Frankly I’m ashamed of my fellow reviewers for leaving such a great piece in the Green Room for so long – this story is amazing! You’ve now got me well and truly hooked, so be sure to keep up the writing!
wow, I'm glad you liked it!
Thank you for your review-It once again gives a perfect insight into what I need to do, and pointed out details and plotholes I would not have noticed. I'll try to fix all of them up as soon as possible.
problem is, I'm writing this as I go. The world, right now, is very vague excepting the little microcosm of the den. I don't have any sort of plot, and I don't know when the action is going to start. My biggest flaw is in plot and pacing. ACKKKKK I'll try to give more direction soon.... thanks again!
Don't worry too much about the plot - you can always change things. I will stop pestering you to put in foreshadowing though. XD
If you get stuck or have any problems, I'll be happy to help you out.