This is sort of a twist on 'little red riding hood'. Or at least, the beginning is. Hope you like it!
The waning light fell in rays, through the branches, and onto the pine-littered trail. The path was barely detectable, and twisted in questionable directions, but Eddie was surefooted, having traveled along here many times before.
They say it’s about the journey, he reflected, smiling. Not the destination. He didn’t like his grandmother’s house, which was said destination. He didn’t like his grandmother, who was very old and distant, and who forgot things like the soup she left on the stove, and his name, and certain words like ‘needles’ and ‘yellow’.
His mother had sent him on his own with a basket for her with bread and cheese, and wine, judging by the weight- even though it was, Eddie reflected, an inadvisable gift for a brittle old woman.
He had been walking for a while now, since before the sun began to set, and his arms, which were skinny, freckled, and not at all muscular, were beginning to ache. It was a good few miles into the woods, his grandmother’s house, and only God knew why. It was terribly inconvenient. Eddie’s mother, who had an achy leg, could only afford to make infrequent visits, sending him along in her place most of the time.
To be honest, Eddie liked the breaks from his usual schedule. He lived on a small farm, and the work was hard and non-negotiable. He couldn’t just stop tending to the animals for a couple days just because he had the flu, or whatever the non-reason was. So he was glad when he was handed one of these holidays, one of those occasions where he could just be alone in the fresh-smelling forest and the dappled light, could walk barefoot, his feet sinking deliciously in the soft black soil, and not be worried about stepping in goat shit.
He stopped at a tree, a large one with sap running white along its ridged bark, and sat on a root at its base, and closed his eyes briefly. What a nice day.
He eyed the basket then, realizing his hunger, and wondered how much cheese he could get away with eating without his grandmother noticing. Probably a fair bit.
He nudged the cloth covering the contents of the basket, and then gingerly pulled it off, folding it crudely and setting it on one knee.
The cheese, a good-sized yellow wedge nestled beside a loaf of bread, was warm from the sun, and made his mouth water. He didn’t have a knife, but it was soft enough that he could break it off at its thinner edge without too much trouble.
“Would you mind if I could have some of that?” A voice came from nowhere, so low and deep that Eddie could feel it reverberating in his chest.
He didn’t jump. He didn’t jump because he was taught, living on a farm, that startling in a startling situation makes things worse, and the only real way to go about it is keeping a cool head . Eddie did not keep a naturally cool head, ever, but he was practiced at looking like he did.
“Depends,” he said. His voice, heroically, did not shake. “I’m hungry, and unless you have a knife or something that you can threaten me with for it, then I have to let you down. Sorry.” He was looking around, trying to discover the source of that voice.
Finally, a figure stepped out of the shadows, which suddenly seemed so much longer and darker than they had seemed just moments ago. And Eddie saw that the possessor of the voice did indeed have a knife; two whole sets of knives, in fact, in neat rows in its mouth.
Because the speaker was a wolf. A huge, tawny, amber-eyed wolf.
“It’s the cheese or you, boy,” it said through its teeth.“So which will it be?”
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi , Felistia here with a review on your short story.
Firstly, happy review day.
The story: The story is a nice twist on the tale Little Red Riding Hood. I like that you replaced the girl with a boy and that you took time to tell us what is happening in the story before moving on in the plot. I love that you ended it in a cliff-hanger.
The characters: There is only really one character so far and you have given us a lot of time to get to know him. I love that you gave us a bit of back story on him since that makes the reader connect with the character and will help the reader feel for him in times of trouble.
The setting: The description of the setting is excellent. You described almost every sense in the out most detail, it is like I am there with the character walking through the woods. I can see the towering tree trunks and the smell on the pine sap wafting through the air. You definitely have skill when it comes to descriptions and it isn't just with the setting. The way you described the wolf in those few brief sentences was beautiful. Well done.
Problems: There don't seem to be any problems with grammar or punctuation and far as I can see and the sentence lay out is perfect, so that it flows well and helps the reader move from line to line.
Over all it was a great story to read and I look forward to the next part. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Hey!
I really enjoyed reading your story! The descriptions gave me a good picture of not only what was going on but also what it looked like as it was happening, but I think you could have pushed them a little bit further (like Holographic Ladybug suggested). I also really enjoyed your use of adverbs-- they give a lot of helpful insight into Eddie's mind and actions. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! It's a pleasure!
Hey!
I really enjoyed reading your story! The descriptions gave me a good picture of not only what was going on but also what it looked like as it was happening, but I think you could have pushed them a little bit further (like Holographic Ladybug suggested). I also really enjoyed your use of adverbs-- they give a lot of helpful insight into Eddie's mind and actions. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! It's a pleasure!
Hey! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
For no reason, I feel like challenging someone today. So you're my first victim! (Ha! I kid. I kid.) But seriously.
Your description is good, but is there a way you could make it BETTER. You know, as a little push for your story to give it a little UMFF! For instance what did the basket look like? What does your main character look like? Is it possible for you to have described the forest a biiiiiiiittt more?
Now onto your characters! I liked how you did describe the character traits of your lead character. But would it be possible to give him a bit of backstory to Eddie? What's his grandmother like (even a slight mention or two would suffice)? Why does she live in the woods (that part about Little Red Riding Hood has always baffled me)? How does Eddie feel about his grandmother (I do think that you mentioned this, though)? Is he grumpy that he needs to go into the woods for her? Does he fear the woods? Or does he want to stay as long as he can in there?
I could just be reading too much into this! I'm feeling crazy today!
I do apologize if you have answered some of the questions in the story already. I have deleted a few as of now due to rereading.
I really can't see anything wrong with this, I'm just trying to be helpful and give recommendations. Please pardon me if I have offended.
On a slightly more positive note (cheeky grin) I'm done here. Well done! Ladybug out!
Hey! you're doing your best! thanks for taking the time to review!
Heh. Thanks.