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Patchworld 4

Notes- This is not a chapter. I repeat, this is not a chapter. I do not plan my stories as I write them and so do not have any defined chapters to begin and end with. These are parts, meaning that I publish installments of this story randomly when I need a little inspiration and feedback. NOT CHAPTERS.

To reviewers- No nitpicks please. Only comment on things that will help improve the quality of the story and my storytelling. That means no spelling, capitalization, etc. I will only appreciate the grammar corrections if it's actually significant and stopped you in your tracks wile reading this with the WRONGNESS that it makes you feel as you look at it. 

Thank you! Enjoy Patchworld 4!

              o0o                       o0o                       o0o                     o0o                       o0o

The days ended with Naz, and begun with him. There wasn’t any natural light in the den, so hours, hours after everyone else had gone to sleep, he’d keep watch. Padding through the door. Pushing the lever down. Crawling through the passageways- right, left- and pushing through the grate, tasting the free-moving air and waiting for the sun to rise. It always came so slowly.

For him, life was mostly a circle. To others, days were disconnected lines, separate from each other. But for Naz, nothing ever stopped going. There was no intermission between the dark and the light. No cut ends. 

Everything flowed into itself.

That is, until he eventually dropped. Which did happen occasionally.

But not usually.

So Naz would crawl back through the vents-left, right- and wake up the others.

He tapped up them one at a time, usually, or whispered. He wasn’t one for noise.

He knew each of their reactions when he did, by heart.. He knew that Marie would be stirred immediately if Henry was awake. He knew that Min should be tapped last because he was the loudest and would wake everyone else up quick if he didn’t. He knew that Kira left the den without fail without him witnessing her go, between the night and the morning, even though he was present for all of it.

He knew that Ben should not be woken under any circumstances that day, because Ben didn’t like the mornings after returning. Usually, he slept right through them, and it was all for the best, because a a tired Ben was an irritated one, and an irritated one was seldom not tired.

Alden was roused much earlier than Naz remembered, which was a new habit he must have picked up during the time Naz was gone. He was much more his usual self after a bit of rest.

“Sorry. I’m not usually that stupid… I was just really tired by the end of the whole thing. Two weeks, you know... I’m glad you’re back.” He said comfortably .

Alden was an easy kid to talk to. His whole appearance was small, solid, and unassuming, with deep-set, warm brown eyes and a thatch of black hair. He didn’t hold grudges, and was very seldom irritable. Responsible too, which was why he was put in charge of the entire den, even though he was only twelve years old. The problem was that he was too obliging. He wanted to be there for everyone, and really, he did it quite effectively until he exhausted himself, which took quite a bit faster than it did Naz.

“Yeah, I am too,” Naz said. “I missed you guys.”

Alden folded the holed grey blanket he had been sleeping under neatly into a square, smoothing the surface and patting it as if it were a stray dog.

“I missed knowing what time of day it was,” he said. “We hardly ever went out while you were gone, except for Kira and Min. Too much of a risk. And there wasn’t Ben to keep everything in order. I’m no good at it.” He gestured around him at untidy room. “It’s been more and more of a big, cluttered nest in here than a den, Naz. I can’t keep track of everyone.”

“I understand. You did a pretty good job, anyway, I’ve heard. At least, that’s what Kira thinks.” Naz told him reassuringly.

Alden’s eyebrows raised a little. “Really? Kira? That’s a relief. She’s so hard to pin down, and it feels like she’s ignoring me most of the time. In her own world. I’m glad she thinks... well of me.” He laughed haltingly. Naz smiled too.

“Actually, she does have high standards. You’re lucky too, that she likes you. If she didn’t, you’d have a very hard time with her.”

Alden bent down to gather some wood from the pile. “ She isn’t even here, usually. She’s in other parts of the complex most of the day until night comes. And then she just appears. One minute she’s absent, and the other she’s by the fire like she’d never left it! It’s unnerving.” He kneels, the wood cradled in his arms, and begins to build a pyramid of sticks. “She’s like an owl, sometimes. Min’s pretty secretive too... sneaky... but… you know, owls have these feathers on their wings that make them completely silent. A lot of sneaky people can fly like birds, it seems, without leaving footsteps, but I don’t think most of them can just disappear like Kira does.”

Naz frowned then. “It’s very unnerving. I definitely agree. Just like what you described, with the owls. Terrifying, really. Don’t notice them until they’re right over your head, attacking you.” He bent down to scoop some pine needles from the dirt floor, and added them to the pyramid. His hair fell over his face, and he pulled it back behind his shoulder with his free hand . “I don’t...trust her. We’re lucky she likes to stick around here, she’s so useful, but...Owls live alone, Alden, don’t they?... I just have a bad feeling about her.”

Alden nodded. “Yes. Me too..” He brought his voice from a soft talk to a whisper. “Hey, shh...She might be here right now, and then we’ll have already made an enemy for ourselves. ” He looked around the room suspiciously, for dramatic effect, and then went back to the fireplace. “ Pass me the matches, will you?”

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
steampowered
Review

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I really enjoyed this extract; I loved it as much, if not more, than the others. The way you’ve hinted at the world this story’s set in (such as by talking about the “risks” of the outside world) makes it much clearer that this is a dystopian story. I also liked the way you’ve hinted at the fact Kira may be up to something.

Depending on what Kira’s up to, though, those hints may have been a bit too strong. If she’s going to end up being some kind of traitor, you’ve already sown the seeds of suspicion in the reader’s mind, meaning they might not be so surprised if she does turn out to be working for the enemy or something similar. If, however, she’s up to something more innocent and Naz, Alden and the others all suspect her, it could give the story more of a twist (as well as lots of dramatic build-up and confrontation) as the reader is led, along with the characters, to believe she’s up to something bad. However, you may want to play down the clues a little bit if that’s not what you’re trying to do.

Another thing that I’ve just realised looking at this story (I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up on this when it was mentioned in Patchworld 2) was the pine branches in the den. Now, I thought they were in some kind of walled city (judging by what you said in response to my review) so I’m really confused. Just to clarify: are there forests within this city? If not, how did they get hold of the branches? Also, when the children leave their den, where do they actually go – presumably it’s within the city?

To respectfully disagree with what Tay01 said, I personally don’t think the description of Naz is that important. I know from what you’ve said before he’s short, skinny and has shaggy blonde hair (meaning he’s probably got pale skin, especially since he spends a lot of time in the den) so I don’t feel like I need any additional information.

I noticed one sentence that you may want to consider rephrasing:

He knew that Ben should not be woken under any circumstances that day, because Ben didn’t like the mornings after a trip.


I wouldn’t use the word trip in this case – taken out of context, the sentence indicates that he’s an addict (something I’m sure wasn’t intentional, but it was a slightly unfortunate choice of words) Why not something like “after he’d returned from a journey” or “when he’d just returned to the den”?

Apart from those minor points I really liked it. Since you requested no nitpicks, I’m solely judging the text itself (although there were very few nitpicks, and if you ever wanted to get your work published, the editors would sort minor errors out for you) Please keep writing and uploading more of this – it’s so well-written, and it gets more and more interesting every chapter. I’m eagerly awaiting Part 5! :D

AH, GAD the TRIP.
*facepalms* thank you for pointing that out.
:D :D :D I'm glad you like it so far!

Strange as it is, Kira is based on somebody that I know from real life(she's turned into more her own person now, but still). I have a pretty clear profile of her. She isn't really that bad a person. She has a good heart but a lot of overpowering instinct, and in the end, she only works for herself. She isn't a bad character in the sense that she's evil and will kill all the peoples(well, she might, but not unless it's for defense or it's somebody that she hates). It's sort of an intentional mislead.

User avatar
Tay01
Review
Tay01 wrote a review · Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:30 am

Sometimes, you need to work on your past tense. There are some present tenses that need to be corrected as stories are always told/wrote in past tense. However, this is really rare so you need not worry about it. But try and correct it for the best results.

Next, describe a bit more. Naz, how does he look? What colour is his skin, ad his eyes? Give a little bit of impression so that the reader can picture it in his or her mind. Use all the five senses to make your describing better. Smell, Sound, Touch, Taste and Sight. Using this to describe things in your story will enhance your story way further.

The use of 'a', 'an' and 'the' are there. So make it there.

"He looked around the room suspiciously, for dramatic effect, and then went back to the fireplace."

It should be:

He looked around the room suspiciously for 'A' dramatic effect, and then went back to the fireplace.

No need for the comma as well.

~~Tay01.

thank you for your thoughts although i will say, I describe many of the characters early on, and didn't see an opportunity to stick in description of them in a way that would flow in this part.
On a different note (and this is all that I ever want to know), did you like it(the story)?

Yes, I really loved the story. I'll rate it 8/10 or 9/10. Either of them will do. :)

Maybe, if you described a bit more, I'd give a 10/10. :D



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