Note to reviewers: please no nitpicks. Try to make the quality of the story better, not just simple mechanical issues. Those are irrelevant.
To anyone who has not read Patchworld before: these installments are not chapters. They are parts. I update the story whenever I need motivation, but there are no definitive beginnings and ends to the subplots of 'chapters'.
If you'd like to read more of this, join the club, 'Patchworld'. I notify members when I update the story, as well as sometimes post story-related art(there is a character sketch of Naz there so far).
enjoy part 5!
(From part 4... I told you these aren't chapters.)
“ Pass me the matches, will you?”
Naz glanced around at the floor. “Where?”
Alden gave an absentminded shrug. “Not sure. I think under a blanket somewhere...I didn’t want them to get wet.”
Naz began to search. “Try under there. That’s where I used to keep them,” he said, pointing to a heavy black iron pot lying facedown on the floor.
Alden turned it over with some difficulty. “Not here.”
Naz scowled. “Better be somewhere… they’re getting harder to find these days. But we picked some up on the way back here. I’ll go get them.”
The younger boy nodded, and turned back to the construction of the pyramid.
Shortly, there was a loud, surprised “Hey!” from the corner of the room, and Alden looked up, unsettled.
“What?”
Naz was put a hand to his chest, which was heaving slightly. “What. Yes, what, Al. What is he doing here?”
He was staring at the brown-and-white mound that was curled up next to the supply packs in the corner, pressed against the blackened brick wall.
It’s small back rose and fell, and shivered delicately, like a frightened mouse, and its hands settled over the face as if it was used to being slapped awake.
Naz loomed over it. He wasn’t angry, but he was a little exasperated. He pushed some slipping yellow hair behind his shoulder.
Alden’s shoulders unknotted. “Oh. Him. We call him Wyatt.”
Naz’s head tilted at the sleeping little boy.
He was skinny and dark-skinned, with a grey-faded white, oversized t-shirt, too-big jeans, and no shoes. As Naz looked closer, he realized that he had absolutely no hair on his head. None.
“He’s odd-looking, yeah.” Alden said. “He wandered in here about a week ago through the vent and hasn’t even said a word… We were going to chuck him out, but… I dunno, he’s kind of cute. And he doesn’t eat much.” Not too much more to feed, right?
Naz bent over the little boy. Alden was right. He was cute. Very skinny, and very small.
“Wyatt, huh… it’s not his name, is it.” He stated the question like it was a fact.
Alden smiled. “No, you’re right. Marie named him. I think she must’ve known somebody named that.”
“It..doesn’t look right on him. Wyatt. Wyatt.” He repeated, almost in distaste. “ Wyatt.”
Alden shrugged. “Can’t argue with Marie. And she found him first, gotta give her the credit.” He took a stick from the woodpile and pointed it at Naz. “You have the matches? Or what?”
Naz blinked. “Yeah…” he said finally. “ It’s in the white bag. But, er, this little guy is practically on top of it. I don’t want to wake him up.”
“You won’t. He doesn’t sleep that often. I’ve only seen him like this about three times since he’s been here… about ten days or so, so when he falls he crashes.” Alden flicked the twig he was holding at the unlit pyramid. “He’s like you.”
Naz’s eyebrows furrowed. “Not quite like me. I still hold the record. I can go for ten days without even...blinking.” He did not sound proud of this achievement, and Alden picked up on that. But he went along anyway- because that was the aim of the comment.
“He has room to practice. He looks like he’s around six, so that’s…” he paused.
“Seven years,” Naz reminded him. “I’m thirteen.” That, he did say a little proudly. Alden was twelve years old, which in theory gave Naz authority.
“Right… matches?”
Naz raised his eyebrows doubtfully at the crumpled heap that was Wyatt. It was shivering. It’s small, bony dark hands were folded over its face so protectively and consciously…
He swallowed and cautiously pulled the bag away. The burlap made a low whispering scratching sound on the pine-covered floor and he glanced back at the little boy nervously. The body did not move. He proceeded to fumble with the bag’s contents. Matches, Matches.
book, buttons, thread, pencils, knife, candles, compass. Matches.
There was a big full box of them somewhere, but it was hard to see without the fire, so it took longer than expected to find it.
The box was thin, cheap wood, with a rough strip along the side where the matches were supposed to be stricken. It had warped a little, felt arched and cool under Naz’s fingers.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Okay, heya satira, this is pretzelsing here for a review:
First of all I promise not to nitpick but here are my points that I want to touch
Here is a guideline to ellipsis
I think you have overused the three dots and to simply put it, you just need to limit then and cut them out. Put the ellipsis only when absolutely necessary.
I honestly would cut this part out:
This for me personally seemed unnecessary and really unimportant. The name of a character is important but not under question by another character.
You developed Wyatt, as a silent character, which is a very good skill to have because even though he barely says anything, from the descriptions of him, we see what he is like. I don't know if I should suggest this, but in future stories of this, I would really love to know what is going through Wyatt's head. I would like to hear his thoughts.
Reading thorugh this work, I would like to see more sentence variety. I think that I only saw mostly declarative and imperative.Here is a link to the four different types of sentences.
The 4 Sentence Types – Use Them And Help Your Writing Sing!
The last sentence was not a cliffhanger like I would like it to be:
I think you could have changed it to a more interesting last sentence overall. You could work on that.
Overall, this piece of writing struck as interesting and I would like to read the next part. I hope that this review helps and as always please keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
thank you for taking the time to read this! I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration.
Although, as I pointed out in 'Notes', these are not chapters, they are parts, and don't have cleanly clipped beginnings or ends. They are just installments of a story that I post when I need motivation. But if this were a chapter i would completely agree with you.
Can you answer me this : did you like it?
Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I’m really enjoying reading this; I literally squealed with excitement when I heard the next section was up (hmm, that makes me sound somewhat obsessed doesn’t it?)
There’s a real sense of mystery here, especially surrounding Wyatt – I got a creepy feeling when you introduced him, like he’s connected in some way with the dystopian society or whoever the children are hiding from. I’m starting to get a real sense from the atmosphere that maybe there’ll be some action (or at least a bit of further explanation) soon…
To respectfully disagree with Jumpyspot, I didn’t particularly agree with the points he picked up on as being detrimental to the story. I suppose you could always use the word “sweet” or “adorable” instead of “cute” but when I first read this I didn’t find it creepy at all. Then again, I think it’s a British / American thing (my experience of the word cute is that it usually means sweet or childlike, rather than attractive) so I’m probably biased…
I’m not sure what this means. Presumably he’s dark-skinned, but I was slightly uncertain. Maybe “dark-skinned” would be clearer? (I’m sorry, that’s my only real nitpick)
I’m sorry this review isn’t very long (and probably not that helpful) but I couldn’t really find much wrong with the story. Apart from the occasional typing error (which, since you want slightly more general feedback, I won’t comment on) this was really good. I couldn’t see anything that could have benefitted from improvement, and you should definitely keep on writing this (You really deserve more subscribers – this is awesome!) Keep up the amazing work, and when you upload Patchworld 6 I will read and review it as soon as possible!
Er, well, I disagree with you. I don't think you understand what an 'info-dump' actually is, even though you do a good job of pretending you do.
this is part five. If you'd read the last parts (and I don't expect you to, don't worry), you would know that Naz is in fact not a ruler at all. he's just a kid(and not even a leaderly type). The reason Naz's age gave him authority 'in theory' is because he is thirteen and Alden is twelve(age generally = authority)In theory, because Alden has been running the entire place for the two weeks that Ben(who is 15) and Naz have been gone.
the cute bit would be sort of creepy but it's hardly a time for pedophelia when you're in a dystopian world and everything sucks and everyone is banding together for life. The the tiny crumpled boy is 'cute', and since i have a very understated style going here, I'm not going to do what you suggested. Naz is thirteen and Alden is twelve and I hardly think they're going to rape him.
it is 'parts' because they are not chapters. Since a lot of things reviewers pick up about a chapter is skill of the beginnings and ends of 'the chapter', i don't want to give them the wrong idea. I say no nitpicks because they are boring and they don't actually help my writing.
thanks for taking the time to look at this PART, though. What I really want to know is if you liked it(I mean, you've reviewed like 3 Patchworlds now, haven't you?). that's all. All I want is for people to look at and enjoy my stories. So, DID YOU LIKE IT?
That was the most gibberish excuse for not liking my review I've ever seen. I've got tough skin, just ask me not to review anymore if you don't like them.
And yes, I do enjoy them.
(Way to leave that out of your reply 'Ser' Jumpy.)
Shush steve.
sorry. Criticism is hard for me. Although I don't disagree with my last statement, I'm sorry I openly expressed my opinion.
definitely not gibberish. I edited that reply for ten minutes. but I do admit that i'm thin-skinned, so I'll try to reign in my fury.
who is steve? is he some other 'personality' you like to play with (just curious)?
Critiques are hard for everyone. Dun worry. But something I will have you know is I don't like to talk about whether or not I enjoyed a story or not. The point of my reviews are to complain about where the writer falls short, and then try to help them fix it. If they seem harsh that is not the intention, it's just my style. (I completely agree with how you see nitpicks though. We've gone to school for more than a year people, we know how to fix this stuff.) And you need to get a bridle on that fury man. Malcom will come for you if you don't. :O
And once again I'm back. Steve is an odd tendency I have to point out my own faults so people don't mock me for it.
(Way to leave that out of the other post Jumpy. You're a genius.)
Shush Steve.