12+ Language

Mind Reader 3


You. You’re Rachel?” And without waiting for me to answer, he pointed to Gavin and said, “And you’re Gavin. It’s nice to meet you two.”

I’m sorry. said a new voice in the mindspace. Controlled and clear and sad. Decidedly sad.

Gavin sighed outwardly, and screamed inwardly. No no no no no.

I began to cry. “No…shit...” The hair I had been braiding fell over my face with the rest of it, dark swathes of it that pooled onto the fake-wood table. The other kids beside and across from me, felt the first twinge of disgust and fear I recognized from all those years ago, when my mother found out. The girl to the left of me even shrank away a little bit, even though she had swapped a cookie for my fruit snacks just today at lunchtime. I liked her.

“Don’t worry,” Gavin said. It was the first time I heard him speak out loud in this room. His voice was thinner than in his head, and not shaky and frantic. Even if his mind betrayed him, the courage he possessed to be able to speak so steadily calmed me, ever so slightly.

“Rachel. We’ll be...ok.” But realizing that he didn’t know, he didn’t know anything, he added, “Right?” directly at the grey man, and he looked incredibly dignified, and I was jealous of him.

I mean, tears were dripping into my hair.

The grey man answered, “You won’t be harmed. We need to run a few more tests before we can gauge where you will be relocated, though.” He forced another smile.

“Wait, relocated?” Gavin broke in. “Where are we going?”

The man ran a hand through his overgrown, red-brown hair, and I noticed a white cloth sleeve peeking from his shirt, wrapped tightly around his arm up to his wrist. Or maybe...was that a bandage?

“ You three should go,” he told the NMRs. My classmates. “I’m sorry we scared you. You can get back to class now.”

They couldn’t have scurried out fast enough.

Would I ever see them again? I had never met any MRs besides Gavin, and now the grey man. Was it because...they were relocated? Because they were gone away? What happened to them? These thoughts brought on a new wave of tears, and sobs that heaved my shoulders up and down. At this, Gavin was a little embarrassed, and the grey man was inscrutable as ever.

But I felt a hand on my back, a steady, warm one, but I jumped anyway.

“You will be ok, Rachel,” said the grey man. He dropped his arms to his sides. “ Really, it’s not too bad, where I live.” Looking to Gavin, he added,“ Where you’ll be relocated.” What about our families?

“And where is that?” Gavin persisted.

“I’m not exactly sure yet. I told you, we have to run some tests. I promise you, you won’t go through any harm. But you have to come with me now.”

“What… what kind of tests?” I asked. “Why?”

The man sighed. The static in his head seemed to buzz, every so slightly, louder. “You’ll find out when we get there. But really, we need to get going. I’m passed the time limit, my supervisor’s gonna be pissed.” He ran a hand over his head again, a little self consciously. “Sorry for the language.”

I straightened up a little, brushing my wet hair out of my face. “ That’s okay. My first word was ‘shit’.”

The man laughed a little, but he didn’t find it funny. Or maybe he did. I couldn’t tell. “Makes sense,” he said. “Mine was something like that, too.”

“What’s your name, anyway?” Alvin asked abruptly, and for the first time, his shoulders tensed, and his arms crossed over his thin chest defensively. “We should at least get to know what your name is, if you’re taking us, blindly, to only you-know-where.”

Than, Grey Man actually laughed. It was real, and I knew it this time because some of the fog drifted off of him and I could sense the twinge of amusement deep, deep in there. “Fair enough, buddy. My name is Jordan.”

This apparently satisfied Gavin enough that he stood from his chair and said, “Okay. Let’s go.”

That was my cue. If I didn’t consent too, I had a the mildly sickening feeling that I would be forced.

By somebody.

I wiped some of the wetness out of my eyes, hoped that my nose wasn’t too red, and imitated Gavin. The man, Jordan, put on a relieved expression. For effect, most likely, or for the sake of us, in some way or another.

“Thank you. Sometimes when I come to pick up new members, they take ages and ages. ” Gavin and I looked at each other darkly. Jordan didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, he ignored it. “Alright, come on then.” He gestured towards the door with the not-bandaged arm. “We gotta run some tests, and they’ll be a little bit longer than this one.”

:)

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Apricity
Review

Heyo Satira, Flite here.

Annnd I'm back, I was cruising through the Green Room when I saw this, since I've already read the previous two parts. Thought I might as well review this as well. Anyways, let's get straight to it. Not much to say that I haven't pointed out already. Going to point out some basic punctuation and grammar.

You. You’re Rachel?” And without waiting for me to answer, he pointed to Alvis and said, “And you’re Alvis. It’s nice to meet you two.”

I’m sorry. said a new voice in the mindspace. Controlled and clear and sad. Decidedly sad.


I think I've said this repeatedly several times in the past two chapters, so I don't know if you've taken that information or not. The formatting here is really confusing, there are bold words, italicised words everywhere and no uniform way to distinguish which character is speaking. The dialogue itself as I've mentioned before, it's rather disjointed, intended or not you need to write it so that the readers can actually understand what's going on.

In the second paragraph quoted, after 'sorry', the 's' should be capitalised.

I mean, tears were dripping into my hair.


Mentioned this in earlier chapters as well so I'm not going to dwell too much on it, there is a lot of time-skips and action-skips in your chapter. Random actions that happens abruptly with no emotions behind them to back them out, these are extremely sudden and disconnected from the rest of the story. So yes, we get that Rachel is obviously upset about the situation, but when did she start crying all of a sudden?

Whilst I'm on this tangent, I would also like to point out that you don't show us enough internal emotions to allow your character to develop. All these feelings are generalised feelings, as in these are what anyone would feel in that given situation. You're not zoning into each character's specific psychologically-tailored reaction for this situation enough to reveal their personalities and what they're really like.

Think about that, explore your characters and know them inside out. And when you've done that, try and portray that onto the page by putting them in action, describing them and show us.

I've noticed that some of the reaction in this chapter was also, somewhat unrealistic, not totally unrealistic but it could use some more expansion to make it more believable. Such as the interaction between Jordan and Alvis, I would actually have liked to see more interaction between them to gain an insight on both of them. The fact that Jordan gave in so easily, in contrast to his earlier demeanour, wouldn't it have made more sense if they eased into that instead of jumping the gun so quickly?

I mean, they all of a sudden went from somewhat scared and apprehensive to being friendly? Hmmm, I would say expand that more.

Everything else I've said in earlier reviews, I really like your idea though and your characters are intriguing. If you've got any questions, please let me know.

-Flite

User avatar
Clickduncake
Review

Hey Satira! Clickdun here :3 Let's talk about your story...

I know I'm not supposed to nipick, but it's just one thing. And it annoys me so much I want to take a chainsaw to my fingers.

:)

What. The. Heck.
No seriously, I'm confused about this, what's that doing there? Is it part of the narrative? I mean, they are mind-readers after all (quick sidenote, I love how you call them MR's, it just sounds so much cooler.) they could probably pick up on cutsie-emoji's. Right?
Gosh I dunno. You haven't covered that yet.

Onto what you want me to complain about:
This story kind of disappoints me, as far as I've read you've offered no reason as to why the MRs are identified and generally disliked. Yes it's an invasion of privacy, and no-one likes that, but, you can't be serious.
That kind of feels like a wasted opportunity. I mean, they're Mind-Readers for gosh sake, they can steal information important to national security and you don't have any info about that?
Come on.
Other than that though, I liked your story and really want to read more.
Write on!
~ Lord Clickdun ~

The smiley is not part of the narrative. Haha, sorry, I just...felt like I had to out it there. It was fate.
haha, i'll get to everything later. I'm trying to pace myself without using any plotting techniques, which is probably a mistake...but it's how I role.
Some spoilers that may help you: The MRs are disliked BECAUSE they work for the government. It's an institution thing...the country seized the opportunity, so now all the MRs are trained from a young age to work in things like psychology, criminology, counseling, teaching...etc. things benefit with some insight. Plus, people are antsy around them, so it gives them more reason to disrupt them and go against them if necessary.
there are 2 parts before this one, so check them out if you haven't already... I'll be posting in a couple days or so with more of it.
thanks for reviewing!

:) Thanks for such a pleasant response. I wish I could do that when people review my stuff, but I'm usually just like one of the three stooges.
"Duh, Thanks I guess."

believe me, I feel the exact same way sometimes ;)



If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn