E - Everyone

Broken Tunnel (1)

This tunnel has two ends. The grey end and the forest end. it wasn’t supposed to be like that- It was a law defying tunnel, a rather delinquent tunnel. It decided to open up four different ends to two different worlds. You could say the tunnel was rebelling against the other, plain, matching-ended tunnels. Or maybe it was broken.

Most tunnels are like this. They have many pairs of ends that sets of creatures specific to those ends can enter and exit from.

But the majority of tunnels are perplexing, because they have many different pairs of ends in which many, many sets of creatures walk through, in and out.

There are many loops and holes and loopholes through our universe and through others, but by some coincidence, tunnels are the most likely place to find them. Perhaps it’s because they resemble wormholes themselves- they have two ends, and two separate locations between them. Perhaps whatever created it, created the existence of things, found itself amused by the notion of simplicity in the network of universes that were anything but. There are lots of things like that. Things that are made to look simple.

There was something different about the tunnel that day.

Alice had lived in the Grey End her entire life, but she had never been near the tunnel. It always looked so inconvenient. Crumbly. Broken. It had cracks running from every end of it, and layers of moss grew in them, some shriveled, and some spongy. Trees, shrubs, vines obscured the entrance, so one could only tell it was a tunnel if they got close to it.

It was a terrifying amount of green for the inhabitants of the Grey End. And it was supposed to be winter, too. Nothing should’ve been growing like that.

But the tunnel was always there, and so nobody bothered it. If it had been there, and it wasn’t breaking, and wasn’t causing anyone trouble, there was no need to fix it, they said.

But there was something else.

There was a pushing about the tunnel, away from it. People had reasons why they avoided it, but if they were truthful with themselves, the reason was always second to the decision to avoid it. They were hardly ever truthful with themselves. Hardly anyone ever is, most of the time.

It was the first of November. The trees were almost skeletal, the sky almost white. The chewing gum on the wall under the bridge was almost all frozen stiff.

All except for a wet, grey-green little wad of doublemint, stuck at the bottom of a line of identical wads of doublemint.

Alice went under the bridge every Saturday for tea at the coffee shop in town. She was twelve, and her parents did not explicitly allow her to drink coffee, and as Alice was approaching teenhood, she felt it was her obligation to be obedient at least until her birthday, which was soon anyway, so tea it was.

There was a middle school near the town half-filled with teenagers who liked to put their gum on the wall of the bridge. As the school had been there for a very long time, the gum-wall had been there as long. Almost as ancient were the signs threatening to scrape the gum off the wall, that were always the same sort of thing- threatening a fine for anyone caught vandalizing - but their condition varied, depending on the day of the week. On Monday, Alice would notice, the signs were clean and proud and the slightest bit intimidating, but as the week went past, they grew ripped and sorry-looking, and by Friday they were all virtually gone. Then they would, as if by magic, reappear on Monday, as fresh-faced and bleached as before.

As there were no signs on Saturday threatening a five-hundred dollar fine, twelve-year old Alice sensed that it was the safest day to stick a wad of doublemint on that wall, which in itself was a small act of rebellion.

The line of doublemint had stretched on for forty-two weeks, but there were only thirty-seven pieces, because doublemint, Alice discovered, is not a resilient brand, and wore off the wall off by thirty weeks or so. it was her favorite part of the week, the religious gum-sticking. It made her feel a little older, a little taller.

The town here is based on the town I come from, or at least the geography of it. The gum-wall is a real thing and it is majestic. I got a little carried away with it though. The actual TUNNEL part will be in the next installment of this. I promise it connects...somewhere.

For reviewers: No nitpicks, please, like spaces or quotation-mark errors. comma placement suggestions are acceptable, but just barely. Just barely.

Hope you liked it!

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
StarrySkies
Review

Hey, I'm Starry and it is my pleasure to be reviewing you this evening ;)

I like the opening with all the tunnel stuff. It's intriguing and quite unique in idea which is very refreshing and nice, and I imagine when Alice inevitably comes into contact with it, there will be some awesome adventure stuff going on.

One thing I would say is to expand more on 'Gray End' and to tell us more about what kind of a place it is, whether it's on Earth, in the future, in the past and what kind of a state the area is in. There are lots of ways to do this, but for a starting point, you could for example, add a little paragraph after:

It was a terrifying amount of green for the inhabitants of the Grey End. And it was supposed to be winter, too. Nothing should’ve been growing like that.


Then it could go on to say: 'Grey End was a. . .' Followed by whatever it is.

I like Alice. You've captured the mindset of an eleven year old perfectly- a conscientious girl wanting to be a little more grown-up. I like how she obeys her parent's no coffee rule, and how she rebels in a small way, the same way every week, by sticking a piece of gum on the wall.

Truth is, I'd like to know more about her. Of course, this was a short chapter and info-dumping everything about a character in one go is tiring and not very good. But, I would like more hints about her life- a mention of her siblings (or lack of them) or friends or similar.

I also love your writing style and voice. It's very flowing and easy to read which is a fantastic skill which I am more-than-slightly jealous of. . . I love Alice as a character already, even in the short space of time which I have known her for.

The only real issue I have with your piece is that I want more information. And that's about it :)

Starry xx

P.S. I'll be looking out for other chapters in this. . . ;)

User avatar
steampowered
Review

I really liked your concept; it was very surreal and imaginative. When I was reading the first section (the bit you wrote in the present tense) which set up the story, I could almost imagine it as a film monologue, a kind of spoken introduction.

I especially liked your opening sentence: “this tunnel has two ends.” Since many tunnels have two ends, it definitely stuck out, indicating that this tunnel was something different. I also liked the last sentence of the introduction: “there was something different about the tunnel that day.”

I loved your imagery and your description of the town and the tunnel. I got the impression of a grey urban expanse of concrete, which is a bit run-down, but the descriptions were really vivid. For example, the chewing gum on the bridge really stood out (I loved the idea of the line of doublemint, even if it was vaguely gross) and the tunnel definitely evoked an air of mystery (and there was sufficient explanation as to why nobody ever went near it)

I really enjoyed reading this and although you said “no nitpicks” I ought to say that there didn’t seem to be any mistakes with the grammar, punctuation, spelling etc. The only thing I would have said was that the first instalment ends a little abruptly, and an extra paragraph on the end might have helped round it off a bit more smoothly. Apart from that your narrative was excellent, your writing style is sophisticated and there’s plenty of mystery for me to want to keep reading on. I’ll definitely read and review the next instalment!



Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander