http://i.imgur.com/HDVVyLk.png[/img]
^ so that's what Moh looks like, if you wanna know. Picture's also up on my wall.
The broken glass above the doorway, hung with twine, chimed as two figures entered the shopspace. Moh looked up from his work as the light from the fragments danced their familiar pattern on the warped old table, and on his face and arms. He smiled widely at the short figure, whom he recognized, and then, briefly, at the tall one, whom he didn’t.
“Apha! it’s been so long!” he said to the little girl. She wore a bright blue hat, its tufted tails tied loosely under her chin.
“Only a few months,” she said, grinning from blue-earflap to earflap. Moh figured that that was a time frame, but he didn’t know what it was, exactly, and didn’t bother to ask. He didn’t ask a lot of things that he could have.
Squatting low on his stool, he pulled her into a hug, and her small, mischievous hands, behind his head, undid the laces of his headscarf. It floated away on a sudden, muggy breeze coming through the doorway, curling in front of him.
He patted sweat from his bare head, the hair on which was cut patchily and close to avoid lice. He didn’t like how ugly it was without anything to cover it.
“Thanks, Aph. I missed you too,” he told the girl into her shoulder. Apha giggled. “You’re tickling me.”
He pulled away, a hand still on her shoulder. She had grown a little since the last time she’d seen him, maybe a screw’s height, a small nail’s at most.
“What brings you here this grand evening?” He gestured with his other arm around the dim, cluttered room, with its wall-to-wall shelves and drawers and the large window that gave an excellent view of a brick wall. the glass fragments and pipe strung from the ceiling, that chimed when there was a wind.
He’d lived there his whole life. He liked it that way.
“Not grand,” corrected Apha. She averted her eyes a little and chewed one tuft of her hat, a nervous habit.
“Yeah, I guess it is a little hot for my tastes, too,” Moh said. It was also stiflingly humid, even in the waning hours of the day.
“Uh huh. Wet and hot. But, Moo, look, I brought someone. He needs help.”
And Moh, at last, turned his attention to the thin figure that had come through the doorway with his old, young friend, the one he didn’t recognize. The boy who was clutching the blue headscarf with bruised knobbed hands.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Adam 1 (working title)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi! there Satira

I like your avatar, by the way.
Going on to the story, I like it how you described Moh. Enabling us to visualize him, regardless of the image representation. Hence, adding up his personality & affection to his friend Apha. Thus, expressing their closeness with the use of nicknames.
It was a good start to something yet to unravel. Also, interesting. Who could be the companion of Apha? Why does he need help? Did he just got into a fight? And, hey, don't tell me they're into street fights? That just popped in my mind
And, yeah, you had overlooked this one:
I think, that's all. Keep writing
>Cha
Hey, Satira!!! (Nice name! ^U^) I'm gonna review this story from now on, I've decided!!! I'll follow it from beginning to end!! Here we go!!!
First of all, I REALLY like the idea of the main character looking like this: http://i.imgur.com/HDVVyLk.png[/img]
I'm unsure - He seems like a low-class worker around the glass and all. Is he? His haircut and such suggests he was manufactured in a way - which would be very interesting!! Seeing things from that kind of POV.
The character of your...character is well put across! He is shown to be caring and observational so far, and this is very good when it comes to main charcaters ACTAULLY saving the day. You may want to use that to his advantage? Take it through the story? I know I'D appreciate that.
Besides this:
“Thanks, Aph. I missed you too,” he told the girl into her shoulder. Apha giggled. “You’re tickling me.” - I know this is stupid to say - as you seem like an extremely sophisticated writer anyways ^U^ - but just remember when a different person speaks, it won't usually be on the same line. So maybe change it to:
"Thanks, Aph. I missed you, too," he spoke gently into the girl's shoulder. Apha giggled.
"You're tickling me!" She said - yada yada yada.
Just a little nit-pick!!! Keep writing!
I cannot see anything other wrong with this story and I cannot fault much as it's only just begun!!! ^U^
I like this a lot, and cannot wait for more!!! - Waddlers! ^U^
glad you liked it!
Thanks for the comments. More soon!
And thank you for the follow!!!
Welcome!!! ^U^