For a friend.
Your phantoms have torn you.
they tear you apart.
tear up your soul,
tear up your heart.
they cut your soul’s wings
so your soul can’t fly.
can you fall down a cliff
fall up, towards the sky?
will your heart disappear
like the flesh on your bones?
will your bones start to harden
like shields made of stone?
Do you make safe your heart?
Secure soul with bars?
it’s your own self-made prison
your bared spine that leaves scars.
Your phantoms you see
they frighten your mind
they tear up the part that
leaves room to be kind
They eat at your hope
while you eat but the air
they make you forget
you’re better you when
those demons aren’t there.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
This is one of the most powerful poems I've read!
I don't want to critique it, I just want to tell you how much this spoke to me. I think you're descriptions of what emotions like this feel like were spot on. Saying that "your" bones are hardening like shields made of stone and securing a soul with bars are very powerful images in my mind.
My part is:
Cut your souls wings
so your soul cant fly.
Can you fall down a cliff
fall up, towards the sky?"
I don't know why. Maybe it's the visual or maybe the clever rhyme. It just made me happy. XD
I'm so glad you shared this! Thanks for being awesome.
-Maybeileen.
I'm glad you're so moved by something I wrote...that's truly a complement. Thank you.
those lines, the ones you quoted... I thought of those first. the whole poem was very much built on it. funny.
I enjoyed this. It almost made me cry for no reason. I just don't know why.
Phantoms. A lot of them are indeed here. For no good reason, they still exist. I think a lot of people wish for them to just be gone.
Your friend's fortunate to have you as one. Hope that friend of yours treasure you as you do to him/her. I love how you played with words and arranged them as such.
I so felt the brokenness that you showed. Was it done that way or it was just me relating to what you've written? Anyway you did a splendid work of art. I wish to do something for my friend too. Well, I'll try to find one first before doing this. LOL!
What I love most in this work of yours is on how you put the picture of a person containing himself in his personally-made prison. Someone deciding to shut himself away from a lot of things. From reality to [maybe] fantasy. This one's gloomy, heart-breaking, heart-throbbing wonderful piece of art.
Kudos! Keep on writing.
aw, thank you.
Jack here fro a review.
That was a very interesting poem, I don't know where I stand with it, but I did enjoy it. There was some good lines in there, and I really felt the emotion. But there was also a few line that just didn't make sense, you needed to add some commas her, and you needed to start some of the lines of differently.
while you eat but the air
I don't really get what you were meant to do here, Maybe it was a weird way to say something. But personally I would revise it, I found myself going over it trying to see what it meant, and in the end I still didn't get it.
they tear you apart.
tear up your soul,
tear up your heart.
Loved this, it was really well placed, and I think though you could have used a few more line starting with tear, it would have been harder to write, but it would have made the story so much better, and a lot more enjoyable to read. Though it was still great, I just wanted more of it.
Lastly I just have to point out that I really enjoyed this, though I feel it would have been a better poem if it wasn't so long, make it shorter sharper more deep cutting sentences, and that would make the perfect poem. That would have been just great, you are already half way there so remember that.
Over all I did enjoy this, and with a bit of work your poems will be great, and highly impacting. You are a better poem writer than me, so good job. And I have to say I loved your heading, that's the main reason I clicked on this. So great job here. And with a bit of tweaks, it will be wow!
Jack
Thank you!
the reason I wrote this poem is that my friend has an eating disorder, and it's like she thinks she'll become invincible if she doesn't eat, even though it only makes her weaker. that's the reason.
I don't know where the commas went. They always seem to run away as soon as I paste them onto this site. I'll be sure to add them.
and, yes, i also feel that i should've kept it shorter, you're right. The first part came very quickly to me, but as it dragged on i started struggling to rhyme things and it got overall weaker. thanks for pointing it out!
Hello there! Unknown391625 here with another review!
I really like this simplistic poem. It's very nice and it's to the point. I really like it. On the line will your heart disappear like the flesh on your bones I don't get so much. Does it mean that your flesh is decaying and then it disappears? I don't really get that line. Otherwise, this poem is very good. i did enjoy the darkness and gloominess of it. I like those kind of poems. Good job with this. I would like to see more of your work! Don't give up and always write, Satira!
-Unknown391625 (A.K.A Edgar Allan Poe)
the reason I wrote this poem is that my friend has an eating disorder, and it's like she thinks she'll become invincible if she doesn't eat, even though it only makes her weaker. that's the reason.
such a great piece.
i really loved it...
except a line "will your heart disappear like the flesh on your bones" i didn't get what are you trying to tell here!
or else i loved your writing...
great work.
keep up
the reason I wrote this poem is that my friend has an eating disorder, and it's like she thinks she'll become invincible if she doesn't eat, even though it only makes her weaker. that's the reason.