Again, let me stress that these parts are not chapters. They are parts.
And, once again, please no nitpicks for reviewing. If they don't help my overall writing and the story, than you do not need to bring it up.
feel free to look at Patchwork 1 and 2!
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“Okay, bud, don’t worry. She’s all yours.” Ben patted Henry’s head gingerly, and yawned. “Henry, I’m going to go to crash soon. I’m really tired.”
Henry cocked his head. His hair flopped to one side. “What’s ‘crash’?”
Ben put a hand over his eyes. The fire was so bright… and all he wanted was to black out. “Er.. It means that something invisible’s gonna knock me over, and I’m going to have my eyes shut for a while. Like, a really long time.”
At first, the little boy looked confused, but then he nodded knowingly. “That happens to Marie a lot.”
Ben grimaced. “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it. Huh…” He pulled the brown blanket over his head. “If you need anything, ask Naz. He’s by the fire.”
He could hear the boy’s face light up. “Naz!”
He didn’t want it to light up. He was finally home, and he just wanted it all to be …. dark and comfortable, and … quiet.
Naz added a log to the fire, throwing it to the charred pile so that white-yellow sparks flew up and burnt out. He watched the light swirl and flicker into the chimney, and it occurred to him that it never stayed the same. It was always changing...but it shifted so silently and effortlessly that it was taken for granted.
“It’s like upside down snow,” said a small voice behind him.
Naz broke his focus to turn around. “Oh, hey, Henry.”
The little boy hopped a few times at the sound of his name. “Hi, Naz!”
Naz yawned. “Henry, you might want to be a little more quiet. Some people are trying to sleep in here.”
Henry shrugged, unapologetically. “Like you?”
“Mmm...eventually.” Naz poked his stick in the fire. It was getting very short-the end kept reddening and falling off. He would have to discard it soon for a new one.
“What do you mean, snow?” He asked.
“Snow. It’s sparky and white and it falls from the sky. It looks like sparks because they’re both bright and sparkly except that snow falls down and sparks fall up. And they both sort of disappear really fast unless there’s a lot of them.” Henry explained, and Naz smiled.
“You’re right...it’s just like snow, kind of. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I like this a lot better. We made it ourselves, so it feels nicer, don’t you think?”
Henry wrinkled his nose. “We didn’t make it. Phoebe and Alden did.”
“Okay, they did. But still. It feels nicer because they made it. We don’t know where snow comes from. Or who made it.”
Henry’s lips parted questioningly. But because he didn’t want to admit he was confused, he was silent for a few moments until Naz picked up on it and elaborated.
“Well, we made the fire. Min and Kira got the wood, and Alden and Phoebe made a pile, and then Alden made it into a fire. And if we didn’t have them to do it, we would be screw-we would be cold.” Naz took a breath. “ So the fire is nicer because without it, we couldn’t survive. And snow is cold by itself, and it’s wet and it makes some of us… sick. And we can’t control it. So it isn’t as nice.” He threw what was left of the poking stick into the fire, and a few sparks sputtered up, swirling with the smoke and dying quickly.
“It’s prettier though.” Henry said softly, and snuggled up to Naz’s shoulder sleepily. “It’s so big…”
Naz leaned against the small body beside him.
He was tired. All his muscles ached, and every one of his movements were slow, overworked.
But his mind was awake.
“You’re not so big, Henry. But I like you a whole lot.”
Henry pushed his head under the arm beside him, like a puppy. “But I’m going to grow and be big. I’m going to be as tall as Ben. That’s what Marie says.”
“She’s probably right. She usually is…” Naz said. “I’m short, though,” he continues. “You like me, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I like you,” Henry said. “But you aren’t that pretty, though.” He giggled as Naz pushed him away, hands on his hips.
“How could you, Henry… I am hurt.” But he doesn’t sound hurt, so Henry goes on. “I mean, your hair is pretty…” He let out a shriek of soft laughter when Naz flipped his long, coarse yellow hair over his shoulder , imitating Kira perfectly. It took the younger a few minutes to catch his breath before he went on.“But you’re so skinny. You look like a fox.”
“A fox?” The fire was ebbing now, the coals bright red and iridescent, the logs blackened except for a small light patch near the edge of one. Naz fished a stick out from the woodpile, and pushed the coals towards it. It needs air.
He carefully bent out of his legs-crossed sit, away from Henry, and angled himself to the firepit, blowing steadily until a tongue of flame crept from the darkness and began to lick the uncharred patch.
“Where me and Marie used to live there were a lot of them. They look like dogs except they’re skinnier- like you…. And kind of meaner. And they like to eat dead things.” Henry said.
Naz paused, still with his head by the fire. “Oh.”
He threw the last, hardly burnt stick into the fire and turned back to the little boy. “That should do it for the night, bud. You better go to sleep. Find Marie.”
“You don’t eat dead things, do you, Naz?” Henry said sleepily.
Naz sat again and hugged his knees. “No. I don’t.” He was so tired. But he couldn’t just..close his eyes.
“Ok.” Henry seemed satisfied. “You’re not mean, either...You’re just skinny... That’s why you’re like a fox...”
“Go to sleep, Henry.”
“Ok,” Henry said again, and with one last small, sweet smile, he crawled away to a nearby blanket, that was already occupied by his sister Marie. He disappeared completely under the fabric, not even his head poking out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This is a wonderful piece. I can see absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Keep writing! I want to read more.
~Swiftfur
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
I don’t have a lot to say about this section actually. As wanderingminds already said, I really liked the relationship between Henry and Naz (Henry is so sweet!) and the way you use dialogue to subtly show the reader what the characters look like, how they’re perceived by the other characters etc. I also like your descriptions; they’re really good and they really help me to picture the scene. Henry’s description of snow definitely made me smile!
The only really obvious mistake I noticed was a change of tenses in these paragraphs:
and
You can probably see what the problem with this is; “Naz says” should be “Naz said” etc. to fit in with the rest of the story.
I like the idea of a dystopian labyrinth city, and I’m looking forward to finding out a little more about it. I’m sorry this review isn’t as long as my others, but I can’t see any other points that I ought to mention. I’m really enjoying this, and hopefully you’ll get some more reviews which are more helpful than this one. Keep up the writing!
I really love the relationship between Henry and Naz. It's sweet and as if they are kindred spirits. I am confused though, possibly as I have not read the other parts? Why do they not know what anything is? It intrigues me, if that was the intention then it definitely worked. It makes me think they are from some dystopian world and have just escaped from the powerful dictators. Possibly my imagination running away with me but anyway, I liked it, and would love to understand the characters more.
Hi! I'm glad you liked it.
<3 ~Satira
I'm writing from where I'm standing, which is to say, not bird's eye view. Which is to say, I am literally not planning anything. *sighs* planning is so hard... it is set in a dystopian place though. The rough idea of where Ben, Henry, Naz, etc live is a labyrinth-like, endless city that nobody can escape from.
To answer about the words:
Since Henry is seven, he doesn't know what a few of the words are(crash is a short, but harsh-ish word). Naz has only seen snow a couple times, so he isn't really clear with the concept enough to give a metaphor for it. And foxes only come from where Henry used to live(the whole group sort of banded together over a period of a few years).
Thank you for taking the time to read this! it really means a lot to me(seriously, it does... these Patchworld parts take weeks to get out of the greenroom, usually.)