Sunset Over Ludo

Hey there, fortis!

First off, I want to apologize if there are any typos and/or mistakes in this review. I'm not used to typing on the iPad, so... I'll try my best. Also, this is my 150th review! So awesome!

I think we'll go by stanza.

One:

the fish are gasping at my feet
my land-lubber toes invading into their land of water.
the sky is dusty mauve and salmon,
and the moon is still plump, full, and round in the sky.

Content wise, this is a fairly excellent stanza. The transition between lines and images three and four, from sea to sky, is strong and natural, and your vocabulary (especially words like "mauve") is extensive. But this second line, for me, is a bit awkward. First of all -- "landlubber". I don't feel like it fits the tone of the piece. I don't have a specific reason why, but poet to poet, this feels a bit wrong. Secondly, "invading into". This seems strangely phrased. You can get rid of "into" here.

But, anyhow, this was a very solid first stanza. You communicated an interesting image in an engaging and fluid way. Onto the next one!

the water is warming my feet as I
wrap a blanket around my arms.
the pier’s white paint splinters
under the pick of my fingernails.

The tense and phrasing of the first line throws off the rest of the stanza for me. "Is warming" doesn't quite feel right here because I feel like it pulls me away from the images you've so carefully created. The "is", for me at least, creates a sort of distance with its passivity. Anyway, one of my favorite lines in this poem is "the pick of my fingernails". You imply a verb, picking (with my fingernails) and simplify that verb to really give us a simple and beautiful touchpoint for the setting. Something we can think about and almost feel ourselves.

the lake’s gentle waves and colliding ripples
wave to form a tapestry of blue and gray.
and where the crests peak,
there is only golden sunlight brimming.

The second line feels a bit off to me, as well. "Wave" sounds like it should be "weave", but that doesn't really fit. I'd suggest switching the words around so that it's "weave a tapestry of blue and grey". On another note, "golden" feels (to me) a bit generic. I /am/ able to picture it, but the picture isn't as clear or engaging as some other parts of the poem. That being said, I love this stanza. It's a great example of your imagery at its finest. Each idea is original and, because of that, I have no trouble picturing each word.

no matter how still I hold,
while waiting for the sun to rear its sleepy head,
the waves sail against my feet,
and I create ripples, moving nowhere.

This last line seems a bit off-point for me. "Moving nowhere", at first, seems to refer to the ripples. But the ripples are definitely moving--so "moving nowhere" refers to your feet/legs... which you've already said. The comma before "moving" also seems a bit clutter-y. What about something like "and the ocean ripples as I linger." Look, you definitely don't have to specifically use that, but this alternative does hint at the future (linger) and at the size of the setting (ocean). Anyway, I really love this idea and this stanza. For me, aspects of this poem are similar to those of William Carlos William's. You're proving the beautiful ways words can be combined, providing us with an elegant, meaningful image. If you have any questions or complaints about this review, PM me or reply! I love to hear writers' comments, and I know you're an awesome reviewer yourself.

As we say in my hometown: don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark

Hi forti!
Happy to review your poetry tonight.

my land-lubber toes invading into their land of water.

I like this line, but the "invading into their land" seems a little bit awkward. I would either take it out, because that would work fine, or else change invading. The combination of "invading into" just interrupted the flow of the line.

the sky is dusty mauve and salmon,

This is a beautiful line. I especially like the word salmon because not only is it a perfect color for painting this image, but it's a reference to fish too, linking it back to the beginning of the stanza.

under the pick of my fingernails.

This line seemed a bit odd to me. "the pick of my fingernails"? I'm not quite sure what that means, and it might make more sense to leave out some words, you you just have "under my fingernails."

wave to form a tapestry of blue and gray.

Instead of wave, I automatically think "weave" because of the word tapestry. Wave works too, but I'm not sure which you intended.

I really like the ending to this poem, it has a sense of finality!

This was great, one little story in a poem.

-Falco

Hi Fortis. I am here to review your poem.

For starters, I must tell you that you have an incredible gift for imagery. Each one of your images is quite brilliant and as I read the poem, I could picture them all in my mind's eye. So congratulations on creating the vivid imagery of this poem and do keep it up, it's beautiful.

the sky is dusty mauve and salmon

In the first stanza, this was the only line I couldn't quite picturize in my head. All the other images I could imagine easily, but this description of the colours of the sky seemed kind of gratuitously complicated. I have no idea what a mixture of dusty mauve and salmon would look like. Using simpler language might have had more of an impact here, I feel.

The second stanza is near perfect. The only thing is, I don't really understand what emotion the picking of the splintering paint is supposed to convey. Is the poet, picking the paint out of frustration, sadness, or is it just an absentminded gesture? A little more attention to emotional detail might add depth to the overall feel of the poem. Imagery-wise though, stanza two is flawless.

The third stanza again has perfect and beautiful imagery.

while waiting for the sun to rear its sleepy head,

This line is so perfect, I can't even begin to express how much I love it!