Note: This is a poem with a form that is made up of two separate traditional poetry forms, the sestina and the pantoum. That is why there are repeating words and lines. If you are knowledgeable about these forms, I wouldn't mind a note or two in your review about how well I combined them, and if this pantina/sestoum form is effective.
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Secondary lightning fills the air,
looking like midnight sunlight.
While wreathing its face in smog,
thunder rolls over the city,
an echo of the storm on the mountain.
Streets flood with rain.
Streets flood with rain
which cleanses the air,
and today it breathes like mountain:
inhaling sunlight
unlike the the usual city,
that wreathes its face in smog.
Wreathing her face in smog,
she sits on the park bench, hair wet by rain.
She looks like a city:
she has that urban air,
and her face seems devoid of sunlight,
but her heart beats like a mountain.
It breathes like a city
but it looks like a mountain,
with the monstrous peaks jutting into the air.
The concrete beast is covered in smog.
all it needs is rain,
and the buildings will sparkle with sunlight.
The buildings sparkle with sunlight
as she looks out onto the city.
She smiles at the smell of recent rain,
her feet firmly planted on the mountain.
She has escaped the constant smog,
to aim for the peak that juts into the air.
Secondary lightning becomes sunlight, filling the sky of the mountain
it looks like it will rain in the midnight air.
The face of the city becomes a wreath of smog.
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Guuuurl,
So you already know I like this - or I think you do! Anyway, I'm hella into this. I think it's beautifully written and you've melded the two forms well. Despite knowing what's coming I'm always surprised when the words repeat. My brain is like "Whoa wait what?" and then it clicks in an the beauty is surpassed by NOTHING.
In your third stanza you have "but her beat beats like a mountain" and I like it but the rhythm from the line before it feels off? and this might not fix it but I like the sound of "her heart beats deep like a mountain" though that takes away the "this is a thing BUT this is also a thing" of your lines.
I also want to quibble about some of your commas but my quibbles would be preference based. Blargh. I just think in some spots (stanza 6 final two lines) the comma gets in the way of the double meaning you could be playing with. Or maybe they enhance it. The trouble is you've written a puzzle poem, in combining the two forms you've given us a poem to decode. I absolutely adore it but it also means that when I want to suggest changes they're flimsy changes because you've already got something that works.
This is a beautiful poem and I think you've done yourself proud. Nice work.
<3
Heya! Trelose here to review this poem,
First, I've gotta say that, while I'm not knowledgeable of the two forms you mentioned, I do appreciate how what I sought out in them (from the little information in the review - I will have to research those forms, by the way!) really contributed to the overall feeling in the poem.
I also noticed something I don't often notice in poems - the proper punctuation and capitalization. Even I sometimes (okay, quite frequently) mess that up. Thank you for showing how it's done.
Other than that... I'm having trouble finding something to critique. Good job!
Keep it up! I wanna see more of your work!
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you on this wonderful review day!
)
I am not very familiar with the forms of poetry used in this, so I will just point out some things I noticed and if it is part of that style, then forgive me for pointing out something that was actually correct.
"Secondary lightning becomes sunlight, filling the sky of the mountain"
This line seems like it should be split into two lines. It is quite long in comparison to the other lines, however there is no real problem with the flow that I noticed. It is more of a visual than a flow issue to me.
"It breathes like a city
but it looks like a mountain,
with the monstrous peaks jutting into the air.
The concrete beast is covered in smog.
all it needs is rain,
and the buildings will sparkle with sunlight."
This stanza was a bit confusing to me and I didn't really catch what you were saying here until the last stanza. For the rest of the poem you were talking about a "she", and then here you switched to "it", which I'm assuming is a mountain, but it wasn't clear to me until the last stanza when you actually said that it was a mountain. I wasn't sure if "looks like a mountain" was a simile referring to something else or an actual mountain. Maybe you should clarify that a little.
That's really all I can say about this poem as I am not familiar with the style. Overall this was a beautiful poem and I really enjoyed reading it. You use imagery well and I found no issues except for the ones I pointed out. You are a very talented poet and I am looking forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing and have a wonderful review day! (Go Team Dragons!
So the first thing with the visual disruption was actually a part of the style, jsyk. ^^
The part you were confused about was actually referring to the city. The city breathes like a city because it is a city, but it looks like a mountain because it's so big. Then, the girl we referred to earlier leaves the city to go to the mountain, but looks back at it.
Hope that clears it up!
Hello fortis!
I love this poem! I'm not very well versed in these forms of poetry, but the poem flows wonderfully. For some reason, while I was reading it I felt like I was dreaming. I could see everything, and it was a treat to read. I have no criticisms for this piece, I think its absolutely beautiful. Keep writing! I'll keep my eyes out for your work, and read whenever I can.
-Kelpies.