Golden sunlight drips in globs,
warming my feet. I sleep
with the moon still open-eyed
in my mind.
The night was cool and the trees
were still for once. I lifted my face
up to the sky; breathed in
my allotted thimbleful
of atmosphere and star winks.
Bluesjazz Club meets every other Thursday at Seven Forty Four sharp.
It's filled with sallow-eyed folks with cigarette butts hanging from their lips,
burnt out.
They grouse about the weather and astrological events in the horroscope,
complaining when a less-than-stellar fate is forecasted.
They also occasionally talk about music, and the way "Soul warps
through the ears and squeezes the ol' heartstrings."
Then, at Ten Thirty Four
(the nights are late for those
who tap bluesjazz on coffee shop floors),they adjourn
for another fortnight, to float like stars
or dragonflies
until the ticking clock and Windexed tables call them home
again.
As if it could be called a home.
More like a docking station.
A place of trilbies and ice
cubes melting together at the bottom
of a plastic water cup that the cashier
watches with wary eyes to make sure it
isn't being filled secretly with clear-colored soda.
I float with just as little meaning until gravity
pulls me back to that
Seven Forty Four.
Dreams taste sweet on my tongue as the sunlight wakes me from my stupor
of starry jazz nights and whirling swing dances.
I'm beginning to envy the window-shop people
who spend their whole lives
never seeking to go
Super Nova.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
I liked the poem, but like all works, reviewing it isn't a matter of what should and shouldn't be, so I can't really tell you what you should change to make it better, that's your job. I can however, tell you what I liked, and what you should try to express more of to play up the elements of the poem that really captivated me.
Firstly, my favorite thing about it was the contrast. I loved how you juxtaposed the etherial words like "horoscope", "sunlight", "astrological", and "gravity" with ordinary everyday words like "soda", "windexed", "the ol heartstrings", and "folks". The way you used language to show how different the two worlds are, but seamlessly transitioned between the two registers to imply that maybe they're not that different really interested me and I'd like to see more of that.
I also like that this was in first person, and amid all of the fantastic elements, the "I" throughout the story gave me a good sense of being grounded in reality, which added even more contrast. As a result however, because you did this so well, I wanted to know more about what was going on, and found myself a little lost by the end. Maybe just add a few more lines to explain exactly who the narrator is in relation to the club, or maybe more about the club, or how he/she feels about it. If you don't want to you don't have to, but I think that would play up one of the work's biggest strengths, its sense of reality.
Anyway, thanks for giving me something interesting to read, keep up the good work! Here's hoping I get to review more of your stuff in the future.
Wow, this was so captivatingly beautiful. The space/sky reference kept this whimsical feel to the descriptions, as though going back in time, or centered around thoughts of past events in a way.
I felt like this compared a difference between the ordinary lives of everyday people who, although seem very different, are really the same at the end of the day- spending their days working or at home, while at free will go about their hobbies while still being able to connect through stories of their everyday life.
Very thought provoking. Thank you for such an interesting read.
~Genesis~
I like it, I kinda almost feel like its shaped in those poetrys that I used to read in English class.
It's rather good, and rhymes with its self in good ways. I like it. It's kinda cryptic in its own way to, like, you can also make your own interpretations to it, which, I find, to be the best type of poems. Good job.
Nice poem! It really made an image of the surroundings in my mind, but later towards the end of it you really lost me. Can you try to make it a little more clear?
Hey Widds-
I really loved this poem. I noticed how you called this piece "Blue Nova" and then made most of the lines linking back to space and the sky. Even just using normal phrases- I love how you did that with "less-than-stellar fate".
I also like how you begin and end with the sun.
In one of the lines, you say "pulls me back to that / Seven Forty Four" and you emphasise that it's really pulling the narrator back by repeating that time along with other times, like a consistent schedule in his/her drifting life.
Well, what I really wanted to say was this is a beautiful poem. Thank you for making it.
-Falc-
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how you compare the dreams you have when you are sleeping to these jazz people meeting at night then when they leave they float away like stars in the sky (sorta like what would happen when the sun would come out and the stars plus the moon return to sleep). Also i feel like there is a beat after i read every word, like a drum or something.
horroscope should be horoscope.Nitpick(s):
That is the only thing that i would think that would need to be changed but otherwise than that, i believe that every poem has it amazing moments (this one has plenty).
Good(s):
i loved this stanza since you are basically saying the tables are clean, without evening say so. The adjective fits it wonderfully.
this one is great too, since you are telling the reader that when you are waken up, you still remember the dream you had and how wonderful it really was.
Overall, I loved this poem and hopefully, some of these makes sense (since I make no sense what-so-ever).
Farewell,
CapitalMonday