We'd race through the forest like there was something to fear,
some vile thing with claws that gouge into the tree bark,
faster and faster and fasterandfasterandfasterand
until we'd burst, triumphant, into the clearing.
And we'd spin around until our heads spun one way and the world the other
and the skies would be a smudged painting with sweeping strokes.
And you'd trip and land in the wood chips and cry
while I picked the splinters out one by one.
And then, if it would rain -- and often times it would --
we would first dodge the heavy drops
like we were doing a dance.
And if it came down harder, to where our clothes were a few shades darker,
we'd let our hair down, gallop the way we thought humans were made to,
and shriek with the sheer pleasure of it all, screaming into the sky,
releasing what had built up within us, even then.
And the rain would rustle the leaves on the way back through the woods,
even if it had stopped raining hours ago.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, I'm reviewing people on Team Tortoise so here I am ^^
I both like and don't like those last two lines. I like that it seems to imply things are a little different there and seems to suggest there's something more here, something deeper, but I don't like that it takes away from your final line of the poem which I really love and feel deserves all the emphasis it gets and I also don't know if you explore that deeper something enough to be worth having this here. It feels like it adds a certain incompleteness to the poem and I'm not sure how I feel about that, maybe if there were more hints at the comparison between now and then it would work better?Specifics
1. I'm going to start off totally picky and say you could find a more interesting word than 'race'. It doesn't do much in the way of setting the atmosphere for me and I kind of want to see something like bound or dash. Maybe it's that I want some kind of forest play on words in there like rush or spring or maybe you could go for something darker like 'we'd break through the forest' or 'we'd fall through the forest'. I just feel like that word is the pivot of the first line and could be doing much more.
2. In a similar way I think you could take a look at some of the other verbs in the first stanza and spice them up. Maybe even a couple of the adjectives like 'vile'. Don't go over the top but maybe try to add just a dash more purpleness.
3. The second stanza has a really beautiful flow to it, all of this does really so while I'm telling you to spice things up, keep the vocabulary simple, just more carefully selected if that makes any sense at all?
4.
Overall
There's not a lot I don't like about this. I think you could do more with it, push a little deeper and be a little more measured in your choice of words, but for the most part I love the emotion and imagery and it makes for a great little snap-shot and captured that kind of freedom of being a child in the rain very nicely. It's not currently doing much more than that and I'm not likely to go away and remember this as a poem which made me think hard or anything like that, but it did evoke memories of childhood and it's a lovely read so nicely done.
All the best!
~Heather
childhood is exactly right. It's what I was referring to with my "even then." This is a narrator reflecting on this time. Even when we're young, we still build up stress enough to scream it all out into the void, you know?
I look into changing up my word choice. tbh I haven't even read this fully since I wrote it on a whim, so I'll probably have a lot of word choice changes, since that's usually what I do end up editing when I go through it on my own.
Thanks for the review!
This is a prank.
All the mods are in on it.
Next it'll be "Cloudy Butts and Japanese Hamsters!?"
Hey there, Gravity here for a quick review!
Wow fortis, you're on a role! I reviewed one of your poems a few days ago that ended up in the literary spotlight which was really good and now this poem as well!
I don't have many nitpicks except for your use of commas. It disrupts the flow and I'm not sure if that was intentional or not but I figured I'd mention it.
Anyway, I really love your concept. I love all the description and imagery. So yeah. Great job, keep writing. You're a great poet!
XOXO,
Gravity
Now everyone is doing it.
Hey, I asked strange if I could and he said yes. I know about the thing in chat lol
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
I liked this poem as well as the imagery you have created. From the other DK&CS, this one seems to be more involved with the idea or theme of the nature and the thought of being with someone you love. Good job with that.
In the beginning stanza, I feel it seemed to grab the reader's attention and your raw imagery is quite impression- let me say. Yet I there are some- very few- things I like to point in this poem.
Even though fasterandfasterandfasterand is in place with the people running faster and faster down the hill, to me I would add spaces (however, you can keep it as you wish; either way, it is fine.)
I liked this line as it gives a certain tone of it all. Anyway back to reviewing:
This line seems like a sore thumb to me. I think you should put the line that is in the hyphens into its own stanza- since it could be easier for the reader to read.
Overall, I liked the message and tone of this. Nice job and hopefully this helped you with this.
If you want me to go over something, let me know!
Steggy