And for a while it seemed like it was almost alright,
like perhaps we could make it.
But when the fires spread onto the curtains
and turned them into none but ash,
the world
fell.
They took our chains from us
just like always
and the keys around our necks did no good.
Your voice was a smile that never looked at me
from the corner of your eye
but rather molded my name around your tongue and teeth
so I had a perfect imprint of your mouth.
But no longer.
It has melted away in the spring that brought all this rain
from when the world
fell.
The curvature of your arm around my shoulders
was the tail of a comet, only warmer than ice.
Even if that arm was only there to lean
on my two good feet.
My name, carved so deep in the imprint of your mouth
must have tasted sweet to you, because, oddly, it tastes bitter
to me.
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140,576 Literary Works • 673,521 Reviews
This poem intrigued me, and is still intriguing me after I've finished it. I can infer that it's about an abusive/unhappy relationship, but beyond that, the theme is beyond me. Sorry!
I did like how descriptive you were, and the "fell" with the spacing was the right idea, the thing that moved your poem from "good" to "really good".
THIS IS NOT A PROFESSIONAL OPINION. I personally liked this poem for the way you actually mixed ideas so that they may appear nonsensical ...keys chains... and how you spaced different ideas with a constant ...e.g falling. I do feel some of it is a bit long winded but as I sayd I am no professional and that is merely an opinion.
This poem is absolutely wonderful!!!! I reread it multiple times because and each time i thoruoghly enjoyed it.
Forticuno my love!
This is a beautiful poem and you know this cause I was excited about you posting it. You've got such a beautiful way with language sometimes and it becomes a very lovely way of interacting with the concepts of your poems.
Your structure works really well, I appreciated the disconnect of fell and how it moves along the page. I do think that the back and forth of your lines doesn't necessarily reflect the flow or rhythm that you may have been expecting. It works really well for the poem as a concept, ties in with the fall and the feeling of loss and regret that slippers through.
I think your last line is a bit awkward, I think the "oddly" doesn't fit at all? we know it's odd and we can work from there, cause it just seems like an unnecessary interjection, "just" in the second line of your second stanza also feels like an unnecessary interjection. Your whole poem is a reflection of a perspective, let that happen, I suppose. I think that your message is clear and your tone is really well integrated so that it's easy to visualise the movement of the narrative.
You know I'm super glad that you posted, it's a good poem. You're awesome.
- <3
Heya! Gravity here to do a quick review.
I just want to say that I love this poem. I thought it was very well structured. It read more like a short story than it did a poem, but the very distinct structure of stanzas and your very creative placement of the word "fell" made that much more poetic.
What I like about this poem is that I don't know what it's about. To me it seems like a break up poem at first, until the end when you start talking about the taste of your name in this person's mouth and to me it almost seems like you are pining over someone who pretended to love you. I really can't be sure. I think it may bug some people that the meaning can be unclear, but it didn't bug me at all.
I like your emphasis on the word "fell" as if you yourself have fallen or you are falling, in and out of love. Like your heart isn't sure what to do.
I didn't see any grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes, so as far as technique goes, this was very well written.
Happy writing, can't wait to see what else you come up with
XOXO,
Gravity
Hey I'm Kenzie! Wow! I think this poem is really fascinating and I love the way you portrayed it to your audience. The imagery of the word "fell" falling down really stands out and leaves an impact on your reader. The depth and meaning in this poem is tremendous and I did not know whether to read it literal with a fire or metaphorically. Either way would have been just as dramatic and powerful. I like the word choice you use in this and the format is very unique. I did not find any grammatical errors because I am not the sharpest in English, but that is my opinion on the content and everything else! Overall, great job! Cannot wait to read more from you.
-Kenz:)