She sunk into another City, severed open.
The superstructures, skulls,
supports stripped to the soot-slaved cyclone.
Silver streets shriveled in the sun,
all the street signs skewed.
She converted to another Construct, crippled open,
Cobweb cracks in her casements
caught coruscations instead of caddisflies.
Concrete clumps created conceptions of cadavers
taking catnaps under covers of cinders.
She became another Body, broken open.
Blue-brown bruises blossomed.
Belabored breaths broke upon her breast,
as blood beat between her bones,
She was reduced to another Artery, ruptured open.
A red river running down her wrists, her ribs,
a ruby ring worn around her retina, reason roaming
far from the right atrium of her red, red heart.
She hung on to another Heartbeat, hacked open.
And it hurt. Oh how it hurt, her hands hooked into her heart!
Harbored in the hold of harm, she howled, hardly hearing herself.
The heart beat hard, hitting her, hobbling her,
until she could hold and howl no more.
She came to be another Casket, cracked open,
contents corroding in the caustic clouds.
Clods of clay cover her carcass, cadaver, corpse.
Cracked open.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,036 Literary Works • 672,924 Reviews
Hello, Widders! Thanks for reminding me <3
Because you use cadavers in the previous line, I am not too hot on your use of "catnaps" here. It would be all right if "catnaps" preceded "cadavers," but because we already know they're dead, it feels odd to be thinking that they're just napping. I thought long and hard about what you could replace catnaps with. If you wanted even more alliteration, I might say, "coming to conclusions under covers of cinders." To even further reinforce the death metaphor, you could use "curtains" instead of covers. You know, because mafia dudes always say, "It's curtains for you!" before they kill someone. But that's your choice.I'm going to start with some general thoughts, and then descend into the hades of nitpicking.
First of all, this was done very nicely. Many poets (myself included) tend to get lost when using alliteration, allowing the subject to get away from them, but here, you keep to what you're talking about.
So, depending on interpretation, this could be about several things. It could be about a girl in a post-apocalyptic setting, dying in an already dead city. It could be about a building falling amongst the rubble of nuclear holocaust. It could even be about oppression and how those who do not fight it, but involve themselves in it, are doomed to failure. While I don't think you were going for the last one, it's interesting to look at it that way. Because the MC sinks into another city, this could represent the eventual internalization of certain kinds of oppression. Because the narrator is a woman, it could be sexism. Also, your use of the word "construct" evokes things that feminists are saying these days, like "gender is a social construct" and all that jazz. I know it's probably not what you were going for, but good job making me think.
The second stanza didn't fit in for me at first. I feel like it needs to be a little more connected with the preceding and following stanzas a little more. I wish I could tell you how it feels disconnected-- perhaps it is the absence of life? It makes sense there that there isn't any, as you introduce the setting in the first two stanzas. However, to me, it feels strange.
Watch out for your punctuation. I know you can do whatever you want in poetry, but I feel like this would benefit from more conventional punctuation. As you've got it, you have some commas and then the next line is capitalized, and commas at the end of stanzas, which makes the whole sentence a comma splice.
A few nitpicks:
This feels a little melodramatic. I totally get your feeling, but I would have gotten it without the repeat of "hurt" twice in the same line, and also without the exclamation point. I would cut the beginning of the line, and start on "how." In that case, you'd have to change "hook" to "hooking." In fact, I feel if you don't cut the beginning of the line, it would make more sense for it to be hooking anyway.
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Hi Widders <3
Please comment on this so I will get a notification and remember to come review this when I get on tomorrow~
as of right now, I'm going to bed, but this is lovely and deserves a nice, juicy, review. <3
*comment* o:
This was so refreshing to read as much of the poetry I find on here is from whiny thirteen year-olds. Anyways, I loved the imagery that was created here using alliteration. There are some words that seem misplaced; however, their connotation adds meaning to the poem. It is obviously intentional. I just can't say anything but good things about this. There was obviously a lot of thought put into this, and it was great to find this gem amidst so many dull rocks.
LOL
Yes. Just yes. This is so beautiful and the alliteration adds to the tone so much! Usually alliteration can be overbearing but in this case, I think it contributes to the theme very well. I loved how you personified the City, Construct, Body, Artery, Heartbeat, and Casket. Even though they are just objects, personifying them allows the reader to see that everything that the speaker is feeling is much more profound. I love this and can't wait to read more from you!