There is so much light here.
We've edged close enough to sunset
to hold it tender,
a ripe golden delicious.
Streetlights here are bent;
they are children who have lost pennies,
mothers who have lost children,
priests, praying,
heads bowed.
I bow with them
and watch my elongated shadow
gliding smoothly over gravel
like a swallow.
Moths create stroboscopic landscapes
as they flutter about the street lamps.
There's a buzzing in my head from all this light.
And yet...
It is too dark.
I miss your eyes,
the way they put the stars to shame,
and the fireflies who paint the skies
with bioluminescence.
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi fortis,
This is a great poem. I love your word choice all throughout the poem. There are only two things I would change. First of all, at the end of the third stanza when you say "like a swallow." it just seems to cut off the flow of the poem because it has significantly less syllables that the preceding lines. I would consider adding a word or two after it to fill out the line.
Also the ending just seems awkward. If your poem was about fireflies then maybe it would make sense. I would consider rearranging it to:
And yet...
It is too dark.
Even with the stars,
and the skies painted with fireflies.
Without the light of your eyes,
It all goes to shame.
Ending with the subject of their eyes because it is more of the subject of the poem I feel is more logical. But as always you don't have to use any of my ideas if you don't want too. As always, keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles
Hi there, Fort!
I enjoy that you compare the sunset to an apple without using the word "apple," but it just sounds odd to me. I know that a golden delicious is a variety of apple, but because delicious is more often used as an adjective, I think it's throwing me off. There's just something about that line that I feel needs a little more fine-tuning. Perhaps it is not just the right word. I can't find the right word in my head right now, but maybe you can find something better. Unless you don't want to. It's only my opinion.I'm in love with the imagery you've got going on in this poem. The way you put words together is magnificent here.
That being said, lets get into things you can make even better.
I think it would benefit the poem more if you reworded this section a little bit. It's just a tad clunky. Also, while I am usually a proponent of metaphor over simile, I think that simile might do better here. You have a lot of concrete images (which is great) but this bit takes me out of that world you've created a little. Try doing this instead:
It seems like a smoother transition.
This is an action line, which is needed for the piece to progress, but it's very obviously a line in which action takes place. I prefer action in a poem to happen without me directly as a reader acknowledging that an action is happening (if that makes sense). In other words, I'd probably try to slip it in a little more gracefully. Perhaps say "as I bow in solidarity" or something like that. I think that making the shadow's action more apparent than the narrator's would benefit this section.
This is a little nitpicky, but I am not feeling your use of the word "about" here. I think that "around" is a better choice. But also, it's one of my pet peeves when people use about in that way. It's not wrong, it just rubs me the wrong way. ^_^
I feel like there's a disconnect between the buzzing and the light. I've gotten headaches from too much light, but never a buzzing. Maybe use another image to be a bridge between the two?
I think you should put another stanza break after the head buzzing line. Also, I would do away with the ellipsis after "and yet." I feel like it makes it too dramatic. The narrator has an epiphany at this moment, yes, but the epiphany speaks for itself and doesn't need any extra punctuation to highlight it. Perhaps even make "and yet" and "it is too dark" one line. I think it would be nice if it was delivered altogether instead of pausing. The epiphany happens before the narrator thinks "and yet" because if they're thinking that, then they've already realized that something is missing, or is wrong. If I'm not making any sense, please ask me to clarify. ^_^;
Altogether, I really enjoy this. Your imagery is just grand, and I like the epiphany that the narrator has at the end. You do a good job of keeping the reader within the world of this gravel parking lot you've created. It feels real and natural to me.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!