z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

At the End is Ashley: 1

by Satira


hope you like this. Do your worst :)

The silver bell rang, a sardonic giggle, and Ashley sat bolt up behind the store counter, too straight to convince anyone he hadn’t been sleeping.

The visitor was familiar, a youngish woman, small and sturdy, with bony shoulders and a prickly shaved head like a cactus. She wore a wool blackish dress under a thinner peachy one, huge glasses over huge hazel eyes, and smart, pointy black shoes.

“Hi, Esther,” Ashley said. She was a bit earlier than usual; the sun hadn’t even begun to set yet.

“Ashley,” she said, planting both knobby elbows on the counter. “The roses are going to die this year. I thought that they come up every year, but they’re not coming back this spring. Isn’t that sad?”

Ashley paused. “That’s a shame,” he said. “What are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to plant some more, I suppose,” she said, looking, in her moony way, past the physical. “They’re going to be a bit brash at first, a bit self important… of course they’ll age well, eventually. But the old ones were so classic, I’ll miss them. And the new ones will be chatting up the garden like some tipsy foreign suitor for ages...”

Ashley, meanwhile, had gone into the kitchen off the shop and had put the kettle on for tea, as he did every week. Willow bark and mint.

When he came back he took a brown paper bag and string. “The usual?”

Esther nodded distractedly, and Ashley started shoveling the contents of her grocery list into the bag, which he had memorized by then. Clear sea glass. Crow feathers. catkins. 

“So you’re coming with me to say goodbye with them today,” Esther continued. “We have to break the news to them. ”

Ashley tied the bag with a messy bow and chucked it onto the counter. “That’s eleven dollars and eight cents. I can’t leave the store alone.”

Esther rolled her eyes.“Yes, left to its own devices it will surely go to pot. It might fall in line with the wrong crowd. It might start selling…” her voice dropped to a theatrical whisper. “bibles. Or whatnot.”

Ashley sighed. “I work until eight o'clock on Saturdays.”

“Your sister is visiting today. As a surprise, from school. She’ll take your place for an hour or two. Just write a note.”

Isa was back? Well, in that case… Ashley looked uneasily around at the store. His mother, a midwife, was on a house call, outside of the Posey District, but she’d be back soon enough. She would be angry with him if he left, she would blame his irresponsibility, his impulsiveness. She would be disappointed with him, he could see that fateful wrinkle of her brow already... But the light streaming through the window was so inviting…

The kettle began to scream in the kitchen, and Ashley went to turn turn the stove off.

“What should I do with this?” he called.

“Pour a cup. Orange with spice. Also put out some ginger cookies on that plate with the flowers on it. Leave it all on the counter with the note,” Esther instructed.

He wrote, with purple ink in practiced, painstaking script,

Isa -- Gone to Esther’s. Mother will be back soon. Please look after the store. Ashley.

“Your mother won’t be back until tomorrow,” Esther said, looking over his shoulder. “It isn’t serious, but she wants to keep an eye on the baby overnight. She’ll be back by noon tomorrow.”

Ashley scowled and scribbled the note out, rummaged in a drawer for another scrap of paper. “Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?”

Esther shrugged, unconcerned.“It is what it is.”

Isa-- out with Esther. Please mind the store. Enjoy the tea and cookies. Glad you’re back. Ashley.

He turned the sign on the door to Closed, and they walked, finally, outside and into town.


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 1:12 am
ashtheawesome12401 wrote a review...



Hey hey happy review day!! Okay I am here to review let us get started shall we?

The overall plot seems interesting, and I do hope that there will be more of this story in the future. However, there is so much flowery language. You are using fancy words. Yes, fancy words are wonderful. But not every sentenced needs to be strangled with them. Your writing will start to sound pretentious if you over do it. But at some times the description is lacking which is a shame. I think that is the main points that is "wrong" with this piece.

Also to anyone who is like NYEH ASHLEY IS A GIRL NAME. Originally it was a boy name. Yeet. Just wanted to point that out.

Anyway, you will improve, and it takes time and practice but that is okay. I believe in you. Good luck.




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Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:32 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review!

Right off the bat, the beginning feels a bit loose. Though it does give us some form of knowledge that Ashley works in a store, I feel you could've done more describing.

The silver bell rang, a sardonic giggle, and Ashley sat bolt up behind the store counter, too straight to convince anyone he hadn’t been sleeping.


Did the bell give off the giggle? Or did the customer do so? From what it seems in the first line, the bell is laughing at the Ashley. Another thing I noticed in the first line would be it is a bit long. In my opinion, maybe break apart the line into two sentences. For example,

The silver bell rang, soon followed by a sardonic giggle. Ashley sat up behind the store counter, too straight to convince anyone he had been sleeping.


Along with making it shorter, you could cut some words out because with those extra words, the sentence itself can run on and on. Like, an incomplete sentence of the sort.

What I want more out of the story is a backstory to Ashley. Why is he working in the store? Was he brought there by his parents? It's always good to give something for the reader to hold onto when they read.
As I continue reading, I realize that Ashley is working at the store because he has to. I like the character interaction between Ashley and Esther. It has some raw connection and I'm assuming that Esther and Ashley go way back.

The way you describe Esther is more of a tell than say. When describing things, in my opinion, would be saying how the character sees them. Start off small and continue upward. It can paint a picture for the reader when they read it. I also would like a description of Ashley. When I first saw the name Ashley, I thought it was about a girl. Descriptions are key for telling what the character is.

Overall, you do a nice job with describing the surrounding areas of the shop. The screaming kettle. That kind of stuff. When you write the next chapter to this, because I feel this has a lot of potential, tag me.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




Satira says...


Haha, it's the bell that's giggling(Esther doesn't giggle, exactly). patronizingly. figuratively. but I'll try to make that more clear!
all your points are really valid, so I'll take them into consideration while revising this chapter as well as going forward. Thank you for reviewing!




There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare