This is my story and this is my life.
As a boy I lived and grew strong
And as a soldier I fought and yelled.
And as an adult I reached out for you
And as an elder I sat on a hospital bed
And as I died slowly I said
I love you and I shed a tear
For it is my last day with you
But remember I will be by your side
For as long as I am dead.
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Nice poem here.
I may do each line by line.
This first line has nice rhythm. It introduces the poem and what it is about.
I don't have much to say about this line.
I think that you do not need the word 'and' at the beginning of this line and the following ones.
The use of the word adult here is questionable. As a soldier he would have technically been an adult. Perhaps you could reconsider words such as workman, father, husband, ect.
"I shed a tear" is a strange thing to say, perhaps you could say "I shed my tears".
For as long as he is dead is forever which is a very very nice and effective way of saying he is forever. I really liked this.
Good job.
Hey!
I agree with the review below! Except instead of just loading the sentence up with more descriptive words, you could possibly add a supporting sentence underneath each one, but nothing too specific. The ending is very good though as well, and I personally think you should keep it the way it is. It leaves the reader with a feeling of knowing exactly what the author (you) meant. At least an average of people.
Otherwise, this is a pretty good poem. I connected with the old man in his simple life, and the simple monotony of it. This is one of those instances where the poem is excellent as it sits, but if you make slight improvements they will polish it up nice!
Hope to see more like this!
Awe that is so nice. Good Job !
Hi there. I think you are off to a good start, but I think you can make this better.
Try to use some imagery and descriptive language. To evoke images in the reader's mind, think: How did the bed feel? Was it cold and hard?
Lines such as "as a boy I lived and grew strong" could be slightly altered. For instance, As a boy, I was...But as I grew, I was transformed into a man. Also, a line such as "And as I died slowly I said" could be turned into something closer to "And as I drew my last breaths, I said "I love you with tears in my eyes".
You don't have to make it as dramatic as that, of course, however do consider editing this using more emotional and vivid lines, while keeping your personal touch.
Overall, I liked this, but I think you could improve it just a little bit more and transform it from good into great.