The Sins of us

Hey Pumpkincat!

Interesting poem you've got here. It's apparent to me that there's a youthful hope throughout the piece and a desire to want to change and fix the broken pieces of their world. This is a theme that is prevalent in a lot of poems, songs, and writings, and you express this idea clearly in this poem.

I think if you go on to write another poem, or if you ever wish to expand this poem, I would try to personalize it just a bit further, try to go deeper, and add more color, this way you differentiate your poem a from all the other poems out there that speak of the same topic. It's not enough to just state that the human race does not think before acting -- but show us! Aha, "show, don't tell" applies to poetry as well!

You present a solemn and a dark voice in this, and the only imagery we have is that of ruins. But give us specific examples. What was it that prompted you to write this piece? Why not tell that story in the poetic form? Specificity is your best friend in poetic writing!

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

Hi there, PumpkinCat,

I thought this poem was okay. There are lots of little things that can be done to make it better.

The first is layout. I think you need to break this poem into stanzas. It doesn't matter if the lines are really short. But sometimes in the poem you completely switched to a different aspect of the theme, and tha's the point where I expected a new stanza. For example after the line, "Our life gone" I would have a new stanza. In fact, with your poem it works to have every fourth line the ending of a stanza. And that would leave the last line on it's own, separate.

Secondly, the flow and rhythm of the poem. There wasn't any. I think i's because the sentences seem a bit choppy. They're all different lenghts and in different places. I think this is a key thing you should work on to improve the poem. Reading the poem to yourself aloud can help with this.

I think you also need to work on punctuation. I think you overuse the drifting three full stops. It's not Always necessary. The one time where I think it would be better to not have it and only have a full stop was the final line of the poem. Having the ellipsis there makes the poem seem incomplete, as if there's more you're going to write. I think having a full stop changes the line into a declaration, making it final. Look through the poem and read it aloud. (I know, again the reading aloud thing.) Listen to where you pause, because a comma or a full stop should go there.

The last thing I shall pester you about is word choice. Often you repeat the same word to closely to each other. It makes the poem seem repeative and a bit boring. The best thing to do is replace the word with a synonym. A thesaurus can easily help you with that. For example in the end of the poem you repeat ruin to much. In the last line you repeat repair twice. In the beginning you repeat perserve. And in the middle you repeat sins. I understand that the main essence of this poem is about sins, but changing that word can make the poem more creative and hooking.

Now. I really liked the meaning in this poem. I think you feel strongly about this subject yourself. I feel like this person is trying to gather people to them to help create a better environment to live in. I like it.

I know I've given you a lot of critisim and a lot to think about. I hope I didn't sound too harsh or disheartening. Keep writing! ^^ And if you edit this poem and want me to read it over, I'd be happy to. Just let me know on my wall.

Deanie x.

Hey, I'm Willow Cutz, (not real name, online privacy rules!)
Here I go!
Kay, first off the title. Kind of bored me, It seemed a little over dramatic. The title should get your attention, this one was just a little.....too over dramatic. It kind of made me want to keep looking, which is sad because it's a really well thought out poem.

Next, it could use some stanzas to break up. It's also kind of off-putting when the poem is a big jumble of words. Yes, stanzas are a tool for how you read it but they also enhance how it looks. You don't want to just have a big mass of words that just looking at it makes you tired. I get a little seasick looking at stuff like that. You also don't want to
Make
It
To overly
Seperated.
As this makes the way you write it choppy and unappealing to read. You need to put them in where it makes the writing feel good.

Then, there's the beginning of it. I feel like it went to "preserve the good human nature" too quickly. I personally want to hear what the world is like in the future. What is the human race become? Are we scared chimps running in fear of ourselves? Have we died off? Is there any chance of nature reassurting itself? Is it just a barren wasteland until the sun expands and roasts it! We don't know, i think it would make the poem more interesting if the future really...how do I say this nicely?....emotionally scared them? You are trying to make people intrested in changing, right? Why?!!!!!!?

The rest of it is good. Just try to hook the reader and make them want to read it! It is a very good poem and idea, the way it's presented is not appealing to a reader flipping through.

Bye, Willow Cutz.

I really liked it, evoked a lot of thought