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139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
'Ello Pumpkin, here to review your poem!
This is a topic that is rather hard to talk about, however from what you've got, you're actually done really well! I think the matter was dealt with in a really good way, so well done. I think the flow/pacing of the poem was also really good, and quite suited to the whole message and idea of the poem.
In all honesty, it's quite hard to think of improvements but maybe some more imagery would be really nice. I think for a poem of this type, there isn't as much imagery and descriptions as I would've expected. Try and use some interesting techniques when you're doing this too, like maybe some really cool metaphors or similes.
Also, I think this is a great poem if it were told as a story. So I agree with Hannah in saying maybe we could see more of a story-line coming out with this poem. I think that would be really good and effective with something of this subject.
All in all, this was really beautiful! Keep up the good work and PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Ugh. This is a hard and powerful subject to face. We will all, at some point, be faced with trying to carry on after death. And whether subconsciously or consciously our minds will change to try to accommodate this new, ugly reality.
I thought this stark truth came across most clearly in these lines:
I love that the speaker realizes they are fooling themselves, but they're able to continue doing so just the same. It's always pretty compelling when a characters knows something is wrong or off, but does it anyway because they need to cope. This is where the emotion comes through most effectively.
One thing I think would really benefit this poem would be the addition of images and more of a plot. You have a lot of thought. You have a lot of philosophy. But writing is a blend of imagery, plot, and philosophy. Philosophy serves to engage the reader. Plot serves to organize the thought. And imagery serves to give the reader something to hold onto to avoid being swept out to sea in deep thought. Giving us specific images of this situation would fulfill both plot and imagery -- by giving us more of the characters and their surroundings.
Also, be careful about using ellipses. They seem like they're good at evoking thoughtfulness, but really they just make your words seem weak, like you didn't believe them enough to finish the sentence on a strong period.
Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review!
Good luck and keep writing!
Hi PumpkinCat, June here!
It's really good to see some work from you, but I have to say, this poem might have a better effect on me if you read it aloud because I can't feel the parts that need to be pressed and which parts don't.
To begin, I don't like the repetition in the opening because the lines are so short, so there's no room for us to recover from the usage of the word the first time. I'd suggest using a synonym, or better, reconstructing the introduction to your poem! I tell people all the time that the best thing they can do for themselves is to have a powerful opening line that makes your audience want to keep reading.
Pay attention to this as your poem progresses, dear! You repeat ideas like "Your body grows cold" several times and some of your ideas feel remarkably similar. Again, poetry is a brevity, so reassure yourself that inviting an idea to us once is enough to keep it in our minds.
Another thing I don't particularly like is the use of ellipses [...] so often. Poetry is a statement, one that doesn't often need punctuation, so let the words say what they are and don't invite punctuation in to make them feel uncertain. Later, the frequent question marks also make it feel uncertain and open-ended, so my suggestion to you would be to restructure this and make it feel more determined.
Look at it this way: most humans encounter loss. Make this piece stand out so that we care about this particular instance of loss.
Hope this helped some! Is this from the book you were telling me about?
June
Hey there Kat here to review for ya!
Wow this was reallyyyyyyy deep! So much meaining packed into so few words . Obviously the death of a very close loved one, I'm guessing a romantic partner or prehaps a guardian. Then there is the unwillingness of the latter to face the reality and weight of the situation, not wantig to face the truth and I find this oh so relatable as I am sure many other readers will as well. It's like so many movies I have watched where someone lives there life as though the person who has passed on has not died at all, like it was a dream. I really got the feeling of lonliness and hardship from your words and although it is not the traditional "same number of lines per stanza" that I am used to I really think that worked to help the flow of your poem greatly in this case. I really can't say much else because this was a very strong piece of litrature!
~Keep it up
Kat