Give us a broken glass, of faded memories
And stack our plates high with sorrow and pain, with some misery
For this is how we live, and this is what we eat, and this is how we thrive
Whilst dining with life…
Give us the sugar jar that’s full of salt and pepper,
And give us the box of poisoned laced chocolates and sweets
For this is how we live, and this is what we eat, and this is how we thrive
Whilst dining with life…
Play us a gamble and let us put all in
And give us a taste of that terrible chardonnay
But rather give me some fruit punch instead…
But knowing you life, it’ll be full of regrets…
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P.S: Can someone help me format my poems, I try putting them into stanzas but they just end up separating themselves. Thank you.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Salutations PumpkinCat,
I try not to pick too many fights with punctuation and poetry, as I like to live by the motto that doing such is more or less tasteless. However, when punctuation is so underused or overused that it takes away from the value of the poem, I make suggestions. Such as what you have here. I suggest taking away a lot of the commas you use, starting with the first line.
Broadening on the punctuation used in this poem, those ellipses? I suggest changing them to periods. I, personally, think ellipses are very delicate things and should be used sparingly. This poem is no exception. However, that is my personal opinion, so it's up to you.
You don't need the "and" starting off that line. I find that words like "and, so, then" (there's probably a word for words like those, but I'm too lazy to look it up) are often used in poetry where they aren't needed. Same with this line:
Nice line here. I really like it. Makes me think.
Whereas before you were comparing life to a bad meal at a restaurant, you suddenly switch to a casino, which is abrupt and out of place. Furthermore, this is a cliched comparison, and I think your poem would benefit from simply excluding this line altogether.
Putting aside the things I suggested above, I think this is a great poem! Simple, yet effective. My only major plot suggestion is to expand on how this meal is personally adapted to your life/experiences. Perhaps go on to talk about how different food/drink items served represent things that have happened to you, personally, or emotions that you feel, instead of referring to the pronoun us.
Lastly, in terms of formatting, I find it difficult to publish stanzas as well. What I do is use symbols in between where I want stanzas to go, something that doesn't catch the eye so it doesn't distract us from the poem, such as a simple period between each stanza.
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing!
+1
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to begin out how you compared life to dining at a restaurant with horrible food and wine (i think that is amazing as it is) also how you used imagery for the reader to actually see the food and see the wine (not many poems do this well, but i feel like you do.)
Nitpick:
At the end of this poem, you put three dots after the last two stanzas. Maybe delete those since it seems like you are continuing on from what you are saying, which could be confusing to some.
Besides, that nitpick above, I believe there is good message behind this poem. The message (to me) would be that, life is hard and you need to take a break. But when you take a break, the life and the horror that is in life seem to follow you wherever you might go.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Hi there! Nifoi is here to review!
I don't know how because I don't write poetry.
So then. I liked this poem, although I am no poetry expert. The alternate reality portrayed in your lines are realistic and related to the reader well. How you described everything and put the bitterness and regrets as though it was a simple dinner with Life was simply masterly. Your poem was short, well-written and powerful. This is a really great piece of work.
However, the last stanza was quite confusing to me. If you fixed it up this poem would be even better. I'm not saying it isn't-- its beautiful.
Sorry i couldn't help you with your format
Anyway, here's my favourite line, in my opinion very meaningful :
"Give us a broken glass, of faded memories
And stack our plates high with sorrow and pain, with some misery"
The starting was enthralling. Good job!
~Nifoi
Hello!
Rurouni here to review!
I liked this poem, it has a nice tone to it.
Your poetry lines are long, but I like it. It gives it a different look and sound.
I just have one little thing I'm confused about.
Is life suppose to be live? Or are you talking to life, as in, life is a person. If that's the case, I would write it like this...
But knowing you, life, it'll be full of regrets.
It gets rid of the confusion that way.
I really enjoyed this..
Always..
~Shad