Those people we cry to see
Those people we see in our dreams
And when those people are brought up from the fog
Sadness fills your throat
The tears run down.
And you sit alone on a bench
People watching you as they pass by
Do they know your suffering?
The pain and loss you felt
When that doctor came out of that room
The bearer of bad news
The person who told you of your sadness
Did you cry when received the news?
Did you listen to see if they were still there?
As if it was some cruel joke
Or did you gasp in agony…
To cradle in tears…
The people we lose
The people we hold dear
We can’t always protect them
We can’t always save them
And we can’t always live.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Hi PumpkinCat,Dark here with review
I see the theme you want to point up here.But I think it need some more connection between them.Just let me review in each lines here for sure.
# Those people we cry to see
Those people we see in our dreams
And when those people are brought up from the fog
Sadness fills your throat
The tears run down. -->this part is quiet don't make sense to me.But it is okay to attract the reader's attention thus they will continue reading to know who actually the people we want to see in our dreams.
# And you sit alone on a bench-->Huh,suddenly you now sit alone on beach?The connection between each lines lost here.
People watching you as they pass by
Do they know your suffering?
The pain and loss you felt
When that doctor came out of that room
The bearer of bad news
The person who told you of your sadness
Did you cry when received the news? -->I see the message here.of course we sad when got a bad news.
#The same thing happened in the rest of your poem here.It needs some more improvement.Try use a literature styles here such as simile and metaphor .This could make your poem more interesting to read.
Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
dark
Hello there! Here comes a review for review day.
When I read this poem I feel.... it is a bit detached. Like it has no connecting idea or theme tying it together. I feel like the thoughts are a bit random and each line is placed on a whim.
Some lines you have here feel quote random too and not well worded. These lines include the following:
These lines were examples of ones that I felt were slightly off in response t the previous line.
In general I feel that many of your lines just go on and on, like repetition and rambling. I think you need to take a step back, and look at all your words. Think about what you are saying and how you can say it in less than you did and do. For example this section.
There I shortened lines into one, rephrased. (This is bad example its just as example as I don't have time to rewrite it with much though) But in general I feel like your poem just has many hanging and unnecessary lines. You could take four or so lines and convey their meaning in one deeper line.
Now, I see exactly what you are saying in here. Its easy, you get all your ideas across and I understand exactly what you mean which is a good thing to portray. The main issue as I said before, is simply too many words to contain your ideas. I want to see this poem almost shortened. Not simplified, each shorter line will hold just as much meaning as all the other lines, just place the words more carefully and think about where you put them, what you are saying, and it will be very well.
Keep on writing and have sun doing it.
Stay sexy.
Hello PumpkinCat! Cheetah here, ready to review your piece.
This was actually a really good poem. When I saw the title "People" I thought it would be about the general public or something, but no, this was much more personal. It was good.
You seem to be very experienced in poetry! The best lines, I think, were "Sadness fills your throat". That was very meaningful. When you're in a situation such as this, that's honesty what it feels like. Very well described.
The line "And we can't always live" was so good and so amazing, it took my breath away for a second. It was the perfect way to end the poem with the exact balance needed to make people wonder afterward.
The only thing I was a bit confused at was the line "Did you listen to see if they were still there?" I felt like the words "listened" and "see" contradicted themselves. You can't see with your ears, so I would just change that up a bit to make it fit.
Other than that, this was really very good, thank you for sharing. I'm looking forward to reading more of your pieces!