Young Writers Society

glovegg has said everything I wanted to and more. But my review is more about the content than the grammar mistakes. There are too many ellipses that aren't needed. Aside from that, here's my problem:

"How foolish I am to think of this world as a sanctuary
All we do is ruin this world in our progress
You see the future, while all I see is chaos."

-What is this chaos you speak of? All I saw around me today were happy faces, people walking their dogs, and boys and girls embracing one another. Not to mention, birds singing in the trees. The only chaos I can speak of is the gush of wind that made an otherwise hot day, kinda chilly. That's not the best, but it tells the reader how your world is, rather than just telling them, "all I see is chaos." Plus, what I just wrote shows you that not the entire world is in chaos. Though, I won't deny that other parts of the world are.

"This world is in ruins, even though you may not see it
Human nature builds us up to do these things."

Does it really? Some humans may breed others for hate. But certainly not everyone. This poem seems a little too one sided to me. Not even offering up anything for both sides of the coin. There's someone out there that can say, "The world is the greatest place ever, and there's no destruction. We live everyday in peace and harmony," but that's not a true statement either.

"Will you take hold of the thread and give humanity hope?
Or will you suffer like the rest of the world…?"

Again. Bias. Is the rest of the world really suffering?

If this is coming from you, and this is your opinion, fine. But the best poems always have an ambiguity to them. Or at least acknowledging that there's another side. There's no argument here. Just stating it as fact. If this were a character in fiction, it'd be fine. Because that's the way they view the world. But there will be factors in the story that prove him/her otherwise.

Overall, I thought it was just fine. Nevertheless, it's still a bit biased.

Deanie said:
If you let the reader experience them themselves, that's a top poet thing to do and I'm not even there yet, but it gives the reader something to relate to. And that leaves them thinking about the poem and remembering it.

This is true too. You're telling us the world is terrible, but you're not showing us.

Would be perfect with a little more editing. Just as the others, I wish you best PumpkinCat. I see that you're 13. Yes, there are bad things in the world, and when one is a teen-especially in times like these- you can be a bit more jaded and cynical. When you grow older, you'll realize the world isn't that bad. There's bad things going around. But not that bad. Have a great day.

Hey


Oh wow that was a great poem ! The spider's thread is a great metaphor. Just one thing the part where you say "Gone ...... Unless, " you could have put the 'Unless' on a whole new line to make the reader stop and think a bit longer about it ,to keep it hanging there for a second and getting itself together and then release it. But still great great job,

Keep writing !

Wooftie, very interesting poem. I agree with several of your points, which is not an easy thing to do; get your readers to understand.
I found that you repeated several words which..doesn't always give a story a whole lot of variety.
I realized ruin was used maybe more than you could have, as well as world. I would suggest maybe looking through and finding some more words relating to what you're trying to point out. I'm no better at it myself, but it does help to give it more of a context.
Other than this, you did a very well job; I couldn't go with what you're saying more. Its what I've been ranting about for years. : )
Please keep writing, with more time, you're style will be excellent-a!

~ GG

Hey there Pumpkincat,

I liked the meaning behind this poem. I can tell you really believe what you're writing, and that there is a deep meaning. And it's easy to see. However, as a poem I felt more like you were telling us things instead of letting the reader experience them. If you let the reader experience them themselves, that's a top poet thing to do and I'm not even there yet, but it gives the reader something to relate to. And that leaves them thinking about the poem and remembering it.

How foolish am I (if you put a comma here, and switch the word order, we can make this a sarcastic question) to think of this world as a sanctuary (to do that we need to finish with a question mark)
All we do is ruin this world(comma) in our (own) progress (full stop.) I'm putting in these extra words and pauses so that it creates a more steady rhythm.
You see the future, while all I see (comma) is chaos.

You say "Human nature builds us up to do these things." I think you shoul'dn't use the two words us and up because they are easy to stumble over. Instead replace them with some like makes us able to, or builds us so we. Thses add to the rhythm.

Stanza two and three. In both of them you mention the word things, but very close together. It's too repetivite. I would suggest you change one, or explain what these things are in more detail so the words 'things' is actually unnecesary.

Again in the foturth stanza, you repeat. You say the wor 'sin' twice after each other very closely. I would change one to 'wrongs' or something else. Maybe research synonyms, which can be very helpful.

"We cannot stop and even if we try," Either put a comma after the stop, or a full stop and get rid of the 'and'. The sentence is too long and unflowing.

"and look at our dead world..
The world will be dead" I you use an ellips (three full stops) make sure it's three Again, you use the word dead twice too closely. Thersaurus time!

"Keep it from the sins of us" An awkward sentence. Maybe... keep it from our sins?

Later on in the poem you repeat the word sacred very closely again.

I really like the ending, when we get the explanation of your chosen title. And I like the rhetorical questions, although they are a bit long and disturbing of the rhythm. I've made a lot of nitpicks and I hope I don't sound to harsh. I hope you find all my comments very useful.

Deanie x

Hi pumpkincat!
I'm hanorah and this is my review hope you enjoy!
I really loved this poem it was very good!We all think about this sometimes but the way you said we have little more than a spiders thread to fix the world is very clever!well done!i really enjoyed this poem so I give it ten out of ten,keep writing your really really good! Well done! Bye