I can’t pass these thoughts...
Because they haunt me everyday
Every waking moment
Every time I close my eyes ---
These thoughts haunt me
The thoughts of failure
The thoughts of leaving things unsaid
The thoughts of pain
And the thoughts of you ---
All I could do to escape this harsh reality
Is to create a world
A world veiled in my imagination
A world veiled in sorrow and snow ---
Here in this world
The thoughts cannot invade
The thoughts cannot conquer
And they can’t bring me down.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Hello, PumpkinCat. Happy Review Day!
RachelLeeAnn here to write a review.
I really liked this piece. I find it very relative for those of us who have hidden from our own thoughts and feelings. We really do just create this little "world" apart from the thoughts and feelings and fears that we don't want to face. I think you did a really good job of capturing that, and the loneliness that accompanies that.
However, I do have this nitpick:
I feel like punctuation should have been used throughout this poem... while yes, no punctuation can be a stylistic choice, I feel like it would be better for this poem to have correct grammar. The fact that there is punctuation at some points and then a lack of in others is very distracting. For example, this stanza:
While I find the words of this section very well written, the technicalities are distracting. I feel it may be a little easier to read written like this:
That's just my two-cents worth. ^^
Overall, excellent job on this! I would love to see more of your work!
Keep writing!
Rae^^
Hey Pumpkincat (love your username by the way), Subtle here for a review on review day! I like the idea behind this poem, is very intriguing. Is got a very clear message of hiding from thoughts that you don't want to see, of hiding from reality and shielding yourself in a world of your own. I completely relate to some of the things you have written there, because I can see the emotions being written out as I read.
I know you are aiming for repetition here to stress out the importance of these thoughts, but I find this a bit awkward. So, I was wondering if we replaced 'these thoughts' into they. It would flow a bit better.However, I do have some suggestions.
Like fictional has said, you could go a long way if you discussed this a bit more and also the use of 'veiled', try something different. I liked the first veiled, but there is definitely a better word for the second 'veiled'. How about submerged? Be adventurous with you vocab, but don't get too offtrack!
I love the last line, it packed a really powerful punch. That defying attitude is just what this poem needed to make it a grand finale. So, overall. Wonderful poem with a wonderful message, well done! Keep on writing!
-S.s
Hi there!
I actually feel that the ellipse is very effective.
I understand that the repetition is for effect, but it would be interesting and unusual if in fact you did not use "thoughts" again after the first line, instead using a different synonym in each line, not repeating. Same for "world", "veiled", etc. It's definitely up to you.
This part -
"A world veiled in sorrow and snow"
caught my attention, and a bit more elaboration on this point would go a long way.
I love the message behind this, the last line immediately made me think of the song "Defying Gravity"; it's sad and empowering all at once, somehow. Rueful. Very simply, clearly, and beautifully written; thank you
Hey there, Buzz here to review!
I really liked the idea behind your poem and the concepts involved in it so well done on that!
However, I have a few suggestions to make that may help improve your poem further.
"I can’t pass these thoughts...
Because they haunt me everyday
Every waking moment
Every time I close my eyes"
I didn't see the need for the ellipsis after the word, "thoughts". A full stop would have been effective enough.
The capital letters at the beginning of each sentence are a bit distracting because they're still related to the previous line. So starting a line with, "because" isn't very helpful to read.
Instead of using the word because you could say something like, "as they haunt me everyday" ?
"These thoughts haunt me
The thoughts of failure
The thoughts of leaving things
unsaid
The thoughts of pain
And the thoughts of you"
This stanza had a lot of potential but I think you used the word, "the" a bit too much here, it becomes repetitive, which interrupted the flow so variation is needed.
I would cut out all the, the's, apart from the final one, "And the thoughts of you", because that line held a certain emotion that is separate to the previous lines.
Overall a good poem, keep writing hope i was of help to you.
-Buzz