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When We Give In

by PandaRawr


Burning eyes torment us, watching, waiting
for one careless mistake, one slip of the tongue.
They are there always, creeping silentley
in our thoughts, in our minds.

The judgment is theirs to give
to critique our every move.
And we feed them with fear and insecurities
like pigs they gobble our shame, reveling in our guilt.

Society is a cruel mistress that we can not turn away.
When she shines her favor on us we soak it up,
and when she does not we strive for attention.
For who are we to bear her ill will, when we give her life?

So the eyes watching are but our own,
feasting until our souls all become one.



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Thu Feb 21, 2013 12:52 pm
Arcticus says...



First off, loved your poem. Secondly, before I start with the review, let me tell you that the poet best knows how to put his poem down. As a reviewer, all I'll be doing is to point out how I would've liked it.

Burning eyes torment us, watching, waiting
for one careless mistake, one slip of the tongue.
They are there always, creeping silentley
in our thoughts, in our minds.


You have to convey the way the 'eyes' are, and I'm sure you can find a better word than "Burning" to create the effect you want, like 'piercing', 'fiery', 'vicious' or 'venomous' and a lot more. "Burning" ruins it.

And you can fix the 'silently' typo too.

The judgment is theirs to give
to critique our every move.
And we feed them with fear and insecurities
like pigs they gobble our shame, reveling in our guilt.


How about making the first line a little simpler :"They pass their verdicts" instead of "The judgement is theirs to give".

I liked the last two lines.

Society is a cruel mistress that we can not turn away.
When she shines her favor on us we soak it up,
and when she does not we strive for attention.
For who are we to bear her ill will, when we give her life?

So the eyes watching are but our own,
feasting until our souls all become one.


Beautiful.

So basically, you talk about the way society seems to be so judgmental, the way it's actually us (the individuals) who feed it this fodder that it needs, and that in fact the society is a sum of individuals and the blame- if any -for being judgmental rests on all of them as one.

On the whole, a relatable poem, nicely written!




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 7:42 pm
Stripelife1 says...



I really liked this. I can totally relate to what you are saying, and you make your point pretty clear. Great Job!




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 11:58 pm
silverfin713 wrote a review...



Hi there! Silver here with a review.

I really enjoyed reading your poem, very creative, but I think there are a few things you can do with the structure to spruce it up a bit. Here's what I think:

"Burning eyes torment us, watching, waiting
for one careless mistake, one slip of the tongue.
They are there always, creeping silentley
in our thoughts, in our minds."

I love the content of this stanza (especially the burning eyes part) , but I think if you're going for an intense and dark mood here, it would be best to break it up some. I would try something like this:

"Burning eyes torment us,
Watching.
Waiting,
For one careless mistake,
One slip of the tounge."

Do you see how this makes your writing sound more haunting? Then I would start a new stanza like this:

"They stalk us always,
In out thoughts,
in our minds."

I changed the wording a little too, as you can see. This is just an example, but I think you should use a more vivid word than just "always there." You don't have to put exactly what I did (in fact you shouldn't), but I just think it sounds awkward as it is, when the rest of the poem is so nicely worded.
On a positive note though, the content of the poem is fabulous. Very creepy, you really get inside the reader's head. I'm getting something of a chill running down my spine. :)

"The judgment is theirs to give
to critique our every move.
And we feed them with fear and insecurities
like pigs they gobble our shame, reveling in our guilt."

This next stanza is really good. Love, love, love, the way you describe "them" as pigs, and the word choice of "gobbling" and "reveling" is excellent. This creates a very vivid and distinct image that fits in with the theme of your poem perfectly. Nicely done.
Only complaint here is to put "reveling in our guilt" on a seperate line.

"Society is a cruel mistress that we can not turn away."

Just wanted to say this is an awesome metaphor. :)

"So the eyes watching are but our own,
feasting until our souls all become one."

Fantastic ending. Great sort of thought-provoking twist there by saying the eyes watching are our own. Once again, nice word choice with "feasting", and I love the line "until our souls become one." *Shudders.*

As a whole, a very solid poem with a strong theme, imagery and word choice. Makes the reader think and leaves them with a lot of questions long after they are done reading it. With a few changes in formating, the poem should only intensify.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

All the best,
Silver




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 5:23 pm
dogs wrote a review...



WOO HOO! Three reviews of your lovely works in one day! This is looking up to be a good Sunday :). As always, Dogs here with your review today. I can't decide if I like this piece more or the one I reviewed before it, both are top notch and quite good. I like how you jumped outside of your usual rhyming writing style to write this piece. It gives us another look at your talents. Personally, i write in free verse, I think writing in free verse gives you more potential for description in your writing. Lets dive in now shall we?

"They are there always, if not physically"

Minor nit picky stuff, but I think you should cut out the "if not physically" because it breaks up the flow of your writing. Try saying something like: "They are there, always plaguing/ our thoughts, and our minds."

"And we feed with fear and insecurities"

You don't specify who you're feeding the fear and insecurities to. Try adding in a "them" or "it" after "feed." Nit picky but just for flow purposes.

"revel in our guilt"

This should be "reveling in our guilt."

"Society is a cruel mistress we can not turn away."

Nice, love the comparison of Society to a cruel mistress, excellent job there. Although put a "and" after "mistress."

"we thrive for attention"

Thrive means to grow or develop in, I think you mean something more on the lines of starve for attention or look for attention. Just try editing "thrive" out.

Just love the last two lines, excellent writing there. Such fantastic imagery and flow, I like your writing better when you don't use rhyming, that might just be me though. All and all this was an excellent piece of work and I loved reading it. With a few touch ups this could be on the road to perfection in no time. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 4:08 pm
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi, PandaRawr!

Ooooh. I love this thought-provoker piece! It's lovely, I say. This is one of my favorite topics ever. You managed to make it flow and easy to understand with all the honesty you know. Lovely. Excellent job.

I'm not here to give you a complex review. Just wanted to point out two silly silly typos.

Burning eyes torment us, watching, waiting
for one careless mistike, one slip of the tounge

I'm pretty sure that by "mistike" you meant "mistake". And "tounge" should be "tongue". :)

Society is a creul mistress we can not turn away.

"Creul" should be "cruel".

So the eyes watching are but our own,
feasting untio our souls all become one.

And "untio" should be "unto". :]

And that's pretty much everything I have to say. Great job! Keep writing! =D

~GeeLyria





No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne