OK so I wrote this when I was trying to study science and just couldn't.
The fire did not howl and crackle
It did not roar up quickly, consuming everything in its path
Flames did not crackle as they brought life to a halt
No,no, this fire was silent and slow
The path it wound around crevices and cracks was deliberate, determined
As stealthy as a black cat
I screamed, of course I screamed
Once I finally felt it I cried for help
But no one heard me
Or they just didn't care
But soon I stopped
For my sense was not yet completely lost to me
I realized, just as the fire buned its brightest, that no one else could see it.
Because the fire was only in my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Don't tell your reader how to interpret your poem! That spoils it.
Oh, and hello.
Anyway, I actually like how the beginning works, but the third line of your first stanza is kind of word, and clashes with the dramatic imagery you lend to the fire beforehand. I think you could go somewhere with the "not care" bit. I really do. Otherwise, it just hangs and really serves no purpose, which isn't good. Overall, I liked this, though I think it could be improved upon.
Keep Writing!
Sporky
This was actually very enjoyable! And for someone as myself to say that about poetry, you've got to be darn good at what you're doing.
I think differently from what Jagged said. I thought that was a pretty good idea, and was actually what kept me from going to another forum. Like I said this is going to be a pretty short review, my poetry skills are down the loo. What I think you need to work on is the way you kind of get the intended message across.
This is probably just me, but I got more messages then one and I doubt any of them are the messages you intended. It's not a really big thing and you probably shouldn't consider anything I say - because I suck! Keep going, this was veyr enjoyable!
~Apple.
Don't tell us what it represents!
THats no fun!
Poetry is meant for the reader to figure out the meaning themselves, and my favorite part.
Anyway, this was strong and well written, with strong emotion and beautiful imargery.
PM me or write on my wall if you need anything
~WickedWonder
Hey Writer,
Starting a poem the way you did is usually a Bad Idea. Readers rarely want to know what the subject of the poem doesn't do, and the fact that you give absolutely nothing interesting for us to grab on to in the first stanza does nothing to help.
That would be one of your main problems: your description is very bland and is not very interesting at all. Also, sentence fragments: those periods you've seen fit to put at the end of each line are completely useless and hurt you. Take them off.
The other issue would be the utter lack of emotion in this.
Could you possibly make this less interesting? It's cliché, it's bland, and it's utterly flat. Make us feel it, don't tell us about it.
Last stanza is more of the same, and that last line feels like an utter cop-out. Don't come out and say "oh it was all in my mind" right there at the end: hint at it through the poem, make us think about. Do not come out and explain it, especially not in the notes like you did. It's pointless, and if you have to explain it then you're probably doing it wrong.
"It represents insanity. When the fire slowly eats away at your brain."
How do you expect honest reviews after you spoil the point of your poem? If your poem accurately and adequately conveys its theme, then we should be able to tell, or you need a new title. If it doesn't than we'll tell you. But don't tell us.
Spoiler
Hey! Cool poem idea here. I’m writing a story where the underlying theme is all about fire and its combination of being beautiful and deadly, so it was interesting to see this take on fire. How it can be stealthy and slow, instead of wild and raging.
However, this doesn’t really read like a poem, as the previous reviewer said! To show this, I’ve combined the lines into a big paragraph:
As you can tell, it looks and feels like a paragraph of prose. Which is a problem, no matter how cool a paragraph it is. You could even turn this into a piece of flash fiction, adding some reflection and explanation. If you turned it into fiction, you’d need some sort of conflict—how is this fire driving them crazy, what is it prompting them to do?
However, as far as turning this into a poem, break up these sentences. Poetry doesn’t use sentences the strict was prose does. It requires a looser flow, and a sentence can cover multiple lines, or a line can include multiple sentences. Also, it seems like you’re trying to tell too much of a story here, with the “I screamed” and “a moment before being consumed” parts. As a poem, you can sacrifice some of those action-y lines and sense of chronological happenings for imagery and theme. What does the fire feel like? Can you feel the heat as it creeps up on you? How do you realize that the fire is in your mind? Why is it deliberately trying to consume you? Answer these through engaging description and phrases that make us think, and feel, and see. Use your five senses!
Anyway, best of luck. You have a good idea here—just tweak the execution. And don't explain the bit about insanity at the end! We need to figure that part out on our own-- show us his insanity through the poem instead of tacking it on at the end.
~Evi
Well, I like the words and the theme, but the way you wrote this is just all out of whack. You have long lines and short lines and really long lines... I think it may be better like this:
Overall, I liked this poem, keep working!
~Rain~