The slip of your tongue.
The turn of my world.
The treachery undeniable
The consequence unavoidable.
I loved you so.
I gave you all.
You gave yours
to someone new.
So with all my love
I give to you
A final kiss
before the end.
Your lips burn
with the fever in my eyes.
You plea to me
To stop, forgive.
But I wont.
It's to late.
With the slip of my knife
it's the end of your life.
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello there
I loved this stanza, it was just so flawless; well except for the spelling errors.The second stanza and everything else after that just became tacky, predictable and cliché. I really didn't like the first stanza, especially the first line. "I loved you so"? Of course you did. I think that's what threw everything off the boat for me.
Keep writing and good luck
Oooh, I really liked this! Very bitter and dramatic.
I do have a few critiques.
The slip of your tonge It's spelled 'tongue', and I think you should add some punctuation to the end of this, to make it more dramatic
The turn of my world.
The treachery undeniable
The conciquence unavoidable. It's 'consequence'
I loved you so.
I gave you all.
You gave yours
to someone new.
So with all my love
I give to you
A final kiss
before the end. I love this part. I just love it
Your lips burn
with the fever in my eyes. Good imagery. I am picture this so perfectly . .
You plea to me
To stop, forgive.
But I wont.
It's to late.
With the slip of my knife
it's the end of your life. I know your trying to rhyme here, but it sounds a tad bit cheesy
Sierra
Ah very bitter and vindictive. How I enjoy it!
Some spelling errors:
The slip of your tongue
The turn of my world.
The treachory undeniable
The consequence unavoidable.
I loved you so.
I gave you all.
You gave yours
to someone new.
So with all my love
I give to you
A final kiss
before the end.
Your lip's burn
with the fever in my eyes.
You plea to me
To stop, forgive. (i would suggest the comma, it adds a dramatic pause, but also reads better.. for me atleast)
But I wont.
It's too late.
With the slip of my knife
it's the end of your life.
The poem could technically end at it's too late. the last two lines seem long in comparison to the rest of the poem's formatting.
My biggest suggestion is to add punctuation so it is throughout the poem. The first section has none, while the second does. Use it to add stops and pauses.
Aside from that, i do enjoy a good vindictive poem.
Keep writing,
Deirdre