I call, I scream, I shout a name.
But who can I trust, just who can I blame?
My burden so heavy, my heart unsecure.
I'm sick of this now,how much shall I endure?
Yes, I fear for my life, for my sickness uncured.
These people they watch, they point, and they laugh.
For where has it gone, that joy I once had?
Replaced by fear, the cold end, the mean
I feel that I'm stuck, trapped in a horror scene.
But fear, cold fear, what can I say?
I stare into the face of it everyday.
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139,337 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Fascinating poem. its breathtaking and also very emotional.
What is it about, bullying. I love it though, no matter the subject. You must have put real feeling into it. I like it, love it, and I feel you.
Hi!
- You forgot to put a space after the comma here.
- I think there should be a comma after 'people'.
That is really a great poem!
Never stop writing!
Hey Writer?
I really liked this because I felt that (unlike most rhyming poetry similar to this) it had a good flow to it (sorry Kafka, have to disagree with you). It had a good pace that kept me interested, and your wording was not complex, which was perfect for this poem.
Just what are you afraid of? Do you want the readers to each interpret this poem their own way?
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
Just a few suggestions:
Good job, just work on the originality, and fix up those few typos.
I call, I scream, I shout a name.
But who can I trust, just who can I blame? Take out "just"
My burden so heavy, my heart insecure.
I'm sick of this now,[*]how much shall I endure? [*]should be a space between "now," and "how"
Yes, I fear for my life, for my sickness uncured. Take out "yes"
These people they watch, they point, and they laugh.
For where has it gone, that joy I once had?
Replaced by fear, the cold end, the mean Eh, kinda unoriginal and boring.
I feel that I'm stuck, trapped in a horror scene. Love this line!
But fear, cold fear, what can I say? Fear was just used in the other line and is used twice in this one, maybe replace it for some other word "dread" as an example
I stare into the face of it everyday. This was OK, but seemed to be lacking. I was expecting a more jarring ending, and this kinda just...ended and it's a bit cliche' if you know what I mean.
Overall, I liked this, but I think it needs a little bit of work. I know I'm a terrible reviewer, so don't take anything too hard! Hehe
Okay.
My biggest problem with this was the flow. Or the lack thereof. Each and every line ended with a period or a question mark, except one, which was weird. But this adds up to a very annoying sense of haltedness. It's like each line had absolutely no relation to the others, like you were aiming for each line to stand out individually, instead of as a whole. This is not the goal of poetry. You want to take a more holistic approach.
My second problem lies with the language, which was extremely repetitive. You continually use bland words like "fear," "shout," "heavy," and "sick," among others. These are so tasteless. Like cauliflower. You don't do anything with these words, except throw them in and hope for the best. Again, it's the connectivity issue. If you're going to use gray words like these, at least use them metaphorically.
I have another big problem with the imagery, which there is none of. I can't picture a thing as I read this. There were no metaphors, no powerful adjectives describing some scene. There's nothing. I'm left staring at this foggy mental image that I cannot hope to relate to. Give me something to work with.
And then there's the rhythm. Ack. So cliched. I can't tell you how many poems I've read throughout my life that have that exact same rhythm and rhyme scheme. Please. Add in some originality. For the reader's sake.
Hope this review was helpful.
-Kafka
I love it. *likes* It's awesome... just saying. xD
Hi!
Wow, this was really amazing.
You have such a nice, creative way of writing and I really enjoyed it.
This poem was so discriptive and I really liked the rhyme sceme.
I thought it was brilliant...
except for one thing.
The length. I felt that you could write a little bit more.
Perhaps that means that I was really hooked and wanted more?
But can you blame me?!?!
Good job, I really enjoyed it!
Thank you for posting this wonderful poem!
It definitely fits the dramatic criteria, very gripping. i like the rhythm it definitely pulls the reader in. I can feel what this poem is saying.
Hey Writer97,
Great poem! I loved the rhyming in this and you captured its theme really well. Improvements? Divide you poem into two stanzas (or verses), this will make it just that little bit neater. Also, change unsecure to insecure. But I loved the emotion and feeling in this and the ending line fit perfectly!
Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Great poem! I would love to know what inspired this?